I'm not panicking. Not panicking.
I think I'm having a panic attack. Haven't had one in a while. The problem with anxiety disorders is that the symptoms decided to manifest themselves at the most inopportune moments. Like just before you open your mouth to speak at a seminar. Or just before an interview. Or in the middle of an exam. Or at night when you're trying to go to sleep. Or when you're trying to start your thesis write-up because you only have a week and a half till it needs to be done, after which you will be scrambling like a madwoman trying to finish results and counting.
The microscope is out of action for about 2 weeks. The immuno on the latest sections will be faded by the time the microscope is fixed, and the alternate sections for this subject have already been used, so I'll have to do a whole other set of IGVs. Which is fine, because I'd be doing it now, if the microscope were working. But I'm having trouble starting my intro write-up, or my methods re-write. I had a nightmare re: confronting the other guy for being so awful and the ensuing drama. I understand that in the overall scheme of things, I'm not that old, I have plenty of time and opportunities ahead of me, and everything will be fine. But right now, I don't feel like I'm making any headway towards any of that.
I keep telling myself I have a plan for next year - Masters of Reproductive Science, or Arts degree - but do I really? No. And it's freaking me out.Lucky I've been fasting for the past month, it leaves you too drained to get worked up about anything.
Anyway. There is a whole wide world out there, and I want to experience it. I want to be learning something new every single day. I want to be GOOD at things. I want to avoid feeling bored/trapped/helpless/miserable at all costs. I guess at least I know what I want. Certainly gives me something to aspire towards. And I've learned, throughout the course of this year, that I'm very good at hiding misery and putting on a happy front, which is important when you're dealing with the world.
I'm listening to "Iran, Iran" by Arash, and I LOVE it - the music, the voice, don't really get the words but those as well. Am also loving "Letters to God, pt. II" by Angels and Airwaves. His voice has this insane sort of beauty. If I could sing, I would do so at every opportunity. I'd sing instead of normal speech, and I would never shut up.
Peace and love,
S.
You'll know what you want to do once you get to it. Trust me life, has a way of figuring itself out in time.
ReplyDeletens
I've done quite a bit of work on panic and anxiety this year. What I have found is that these states are the result of negative thoughts about yourself and your situation.
ReplyDeleteThese thoughts are relentless in their attack everyday and if we buy into them and accept them as true we begin to feel that we are useless, stupid, unworthy or any other self deprecating theme.
These thought arise due to beliefs we hold about ourselves, often just below our conscious awareness. We never question these beliefs as we have held them for so long, often they are related to trauma in childhood, and for the sensitive soul the incident may have been as simple as a throwaway line but the hurt runs deep.
If you can remember that you are not your thoughts but rather the being that observes them you can say no to them.
It isn't easy but it is a start on the way to freedom. Where ever we go and whatever we do our mind is with us, so if we can learn to be aware of it but not totally identified with it we can find peace and joy where ever we are.
Love and peace,
Stacey