The questions that keep us up at night.

The heaviness and warmth of instant sleep - the perfect example of you don't know what you had till it's gone.

Keeping a stable and regular routine - just keeping up with life - is exhausting. Fitting in enough sleep is a struggle, and even more so when you can't turn off your consciousness. Here I will expound on some of the thoughts that keep me up at night. Often I think I am alone in my thoughts, but we are never as special as we think we are - millions before us and millions after have the same thoughts, and sharing them is a comfort in its own way. So here goes.

1. Where do tears come from? Does your body make them on demand? Or is there a reservoir full of tears, just waiting to me shed? Is this why you feel so heavy sometimes, like you haven't cried in a while and you really need to?

2. Why do we have feelings? Emotional feelings, I mean. How does this feeling take place? Where do feelings come from, and where do they go when you forget about them for a while? How do you make the connection between a good thing and a good feeling in yourself? Pain, hunger, etc is easy enough to comprehend, because it has evolutionary and survival value. But what about jealousy? How does your body make the connection with something so abstract?

3. What is a thought? How exactly are opinions and memories stored? I understand the parts of the brains involved and so on, but I don't get how something abstract is stored in a physical location. Kind of like typing on a keyboard and letters coming up on the screen. It's basically the sort of stuff that you can't explain to your grandparents.

4. Why do people feel the need to explain Australian-ness to me? Why do they feel the need to say, 'Well, I'm Australian and this is how/what we say/do?' When you raise the point with them they get very defensive about their racist tendencies, or their white privilege, but their actions are very hard to ignore.

5. Why do people feel the need to look at me, say sorry, and then continue to say something very racist? Does prefacing it with an apology absolve them of their sins? Basically, why are people so sh*t?

This took a downwards turn, so I might stop for a bit. As important as it is to express strong feelings, the majority of mine seem to be angry on a massive scale. I don't want my sense of self to be tied to this. Deep breath.

Peace and love,

S.

A little wisdom.

There are some lessons one learns the hard way. It would appear that all of the lessons I have learned have been the hard way. A selection of what I have learned is as follows:

#1 - You need enough sleep throughout your adolescent years to be able to grow. I used to stay up most of the night reading, the school, then reading again. As a result, I am now just over 5'1".

#2 - Not all people are as nice as they think or would like you to think. I often find myself too eager to please and think well of people, and after persevering with the friendship for up to as much as a year, I realise that they are awful. These people are essentially deluded. 

#3 - People who describe themselves as honest are really just full of it. They just want attention and an excuse for their awfulness. 

#4 - It is wrong to thing that if you want something for long enough or to a sufficient degree, you will get it. I have wanted to sprout a few inches for quite a long while, now. I am sceptical of any pending results. The same would apply to any delusions I may once have held regarding my career, acquiring a flawless Scottish accent, being able to sing, and being able to wish the ground into swallowing me whole.

#5 - The phrases 'birds of a feather flock together' and 'opposites attract' are not complementary. This is not necessarily a lesson to be learned, but it is an interesting observation. Are we friends because we're both awesome, or because I'm awesome and you're awful? Why would I want to be friends with an awful person? I'm awesome, so I can't be the awful one in the relationship. See what I mean?

#6 - An 'energizing breakfast' does not consist of cake and ice cream. While this will cause you  to fizz for some time, you will only end up feeling ill for the next three days.

#7 - People will often tell you to call on them should you need any help, but rarely mean this. Phrases such as 'I'm happy to answer any questions you may have', 'If you have any questions, just ask' and 'If you need help I'll be just over here/there' are the most common forms of this lie. They would like you to think that they are generous and understanding. But they are not. Of course, there are the rare occasions on which they genuinely don't have the time/capacity to help, but for the purposes of this rant we will ignore such situations.

#8 - Instructions on the packet of cake mix always give the wrong approximation for time in the oven. Similarly, recipes will always underestimate the preparation time. Don't be fooled by words such as 'easy', 'simple' and 'basic' in recipe titles. 

#9 - There is every chance in the universe that boredom will kill you. People often tell you to suck it up and get on with life, and that it won't kill you. They are wrong. I myself have come very close to dying of boredom on several occasions, both throughout my childhood and as an adult.

#10 - The saying 'aim for the sky, if you fail you'll at least find yourself surrounded by stars' is based on the false premise that a living being will firstly, be able to, and secondly, want to, be surrounded by stars. Stars are hot. And a long, long way away. You would be more likely to die before you were in the vicinity of a star, due to either the time it would take to get there or due to the intense heat radiating from it. The saying should be amended to 'aim for the sky, and be careful you don't fail because this will result in certain death'.


I hope you can benefit from these humble lessons. It is my great wish to write a book containing everything I know and have learned, but there's just so much of it I'm afraid the reader would be overwhelmed. Also, none of it is useful. 


Peace and love,


S.

The floodgates have opened.

I just had my first little cry of the year in the ladies' room. No, don't feel sorry for me, I really needed it.

The day started with me forgetting my laptop cord and having to run home after the lab meeting to get it. The meeting itself was okay, with a 20-something year old PhD student producing a hanky (I didn't think people under 40 used them), and the supervisor giving us an impromptu impression of the Scarlett Pimpernel. The supervisor also pointed out that the importance of age just isn't coming through in my lit review - I spent all weekend and Monday working on fixing this up, but obviously to no avail.

And that awful person made some awful comments, which usually just makes me laugh, but today is not a good day. I can't deal with bullying when I'm already stressed out.

Thus, I have compiled a guide on crying in an inconspicuous manner in public/around people. It is as follows:

1. Don't sob or scrunch up your face. It will cause said face to go red and puffy, which will in turn alert those around you to your predicament (if the noise hasn't already).


2. Just let the tears flow, don't keep wiping your eyes - just dab lightly when you've run out of liquids to leak. Again, this avoids redness and wasting time waiting for it to settle down. 


3. Cold water will do wonders both for your feelings and your face.


4. When you are ready to emerge from the ladies' room, pretend to be blowing your nose, and if anyone asks, it's hay-fever - this will account for both red, runny eyes, a red nose, and general grumpiness/sad-looking face.


5. Following the incident, smile and laugh as much as possible, to avoid suspicion. Practise smiling in the ladies' room beforehand to get your face used to the motions.


Hope it helps! And know that at least I will always love you.


Peace and love,


S.

Study more, dream less.

If I could marry a tv show it would be 'Glee'.

If I could marry a band it would probably be Blink 182.

If I could marry a voice it would be Tom DeLong's.

If I could marry a person, it would be me.

If I could marry a time, it would be my youth.

If I could marry a book, it would be my unwritten autobiography.

If I could marry a feeling it would be happiness.

If I could marry a fruit it would be pomegranate.

If I could marry a smell it would be fresh rain.

If I could marry an activity it would be dreaming. No, sleeping. No, eating. No, being awesome.

I am the three awes (after a fashion).

1. I am awful - sometimes I have really bad thoughts - I don't like people and their flaws annoy me.

2. I am awkward - I don't know what to do with myself. My posture is awkward, something confident but totally not - basically confused. I walk into things, drop stuff, say things that don't make sense.

3. I am awesome - inspite of everything, I'm not so bad. At least I'm not as tactless as some, and I hate embarrassing people/making them feel awkward, regardless of how much/little I like them. Plus, I have some really cool ideas (sometimes).

Wrinkles.

There are essentially four types of wrinkles.

1. Sun exposure wrinkles, so you look a little weather-beaten and slightly squinty.
   
2. Grumpy/frowny wrinkles, so you get the crease in between your eyebrows
3. Laughter wrinkles that make you look like an open and friendly person ALL the time
4. And lastly, the kind like what I'm probably going to end up with - the bewildered/surprised wrinkles.

I hope I get the laughter ones, but I'm not likely to. I am a natural born worrier, and my face has been plastered with a permanently bewildered look. It might have something with my eyebrows sitting a little higher than a normal person's. Or maybe that my eyes are so round. Or just that I'm so lost in my own thoughts, I forget to wear any other expression.

Expressions are really hard to master.

6 Awesome Writers

• Terry Pratchett - enough said.

• Neil Gaiman - Way awesome. Ok, so I've only read 'Coraline' and 'Good Omens' (with Pratchett), and seen 'Stardust', but it doesn't take a lot to realise how well he writes.

• David of www.27bslash.com - the guy who tried to pay a bill with with a drawing of a spider. He's absolutely brilliant - quickwitted, funny and very clever.

• Dianna Wynne Jones - brilliant.

• Eoin Colfer - as above.

• Anthony Horowitz - love the Diamond Brothers.
  

5 things that stress me out:

- Waiting. Especially for trains, etc. - even more especially when I'm waiting for it to stop but the doors keep zooming by and I don't know which door to aim for. The tension!

- Not having anything to worry about. I think I may be a little masochistic - it's like I need something to be wrong for everything to be ok. Weird.

- Deadlines. Especially if they're months away and get closer and closer. Makes me feel like my death is drawing near.

- Time. Appointments, going places, events, everything - I would rather get there an hour and half early and sit on the doorstep than be a minute late.

- Looking for people/lost things/places. The tension just builds up, and up, and UP!