Even lateral movement is still movement.

Sometimes you catch yourself routinely watering a dead plant over and over again, like there is some hope that are is some tiny part of the plant is alive deep down, and this tiny part will come out and eventually bloom. I’ve been doing this lately for a fern given out as wedding favours at the wedding of a dear friend, so this anecdote can stop here and be literal, told as a joke.  

But I have many feelings that keep wanting to come out, so there is more. 

I guess that desperate hope is what I find when I keep trying to manage stress and sadness and fears and obesity. I keep plugging away and going through the motions in the hope that there exists a tiny healthy bright part of me that will make it all worth it. Often when you try really hard, your only consolation is that you tried at all. I desperately want to bet better, but maybe what counts - and what really gives value to my person and my life - is the fact that i’m chipping away at this mountain, even if all i have is a butter knife (which i admit i only use to put the right about of hummus on my wafer crackers).

Peace and love,

S.

Outlets and Disappointments

I think everyone needs a side-project to help them get on with life. A sort of outlet, something different to do, totally unrelated to work or study. I used to read a book a day, update my blog, paint and draw, and over the past couple of years I've found less and less time for it all. I started a vlog this year, a weekly update/summary of my life, and it was going well until the fiasco with my grandpapa's health etc. I keep meaning to get back into but for some reason I never do.

Which brings me to my main point: why is it that even though these things make me happy, and I know they make me happy, and I'm capable of doing them, I have so much trouble actually doing them? It's not like I can't find the time - I procrastinate enough to know that I can find time for any little distraction. So why do I spend so much of my time lying on bed or sitting on ebay getting frustrated and not enjoying any part of it? What sort of person willingly forgoes activities that make them happy when they have no excuse to do so?

I know a part of it is to do with my laziness. I'm not sure how accelerate my progress in this area. I know that I have improved over the years, that I have a system that seems to work for me, but it doesn't feel like enough. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I literally have no excuse for not being at the same level as everyone else. I've had every opportunity to learn, a great upbringing and family life, the perfect genetic background (both of my parents are brilliant) and yet I'm such a disappointment. All promise and no delivery. And I'm so pretentious! Sadface. 

Okay I know I'm waffling here in order to put off listening to this lecture I missed. I'd much rather listen to Ed Sheeran and play Candy Crush and write bad poetry, but I have a test in four days. Adios!

Peace and love,

S.

For when it hurts.

Sometimes, things hurt.

No matter how small, insignificant and meaningless in the whole scheme of things, they hit you and at first you think you're angry, but actually you're hurt. It can be as small as a group of friends walking to class ahead of you, or someone taking longer than usual to respond to your message, or just the slight change in expression - the briefest of looks - when they see you or talk to you.

Sometimes, you tell yourself you're imagining it. But what's the point in this? Regardless of whether the event is real or imagined, it still jabs you in a sore spot. You tell yourself to toughen up, get over it. But how? What do you use to plug the hole?

And then you're alone in your room at midnight, crying over thoughts you can't stop from racing across your mind.

In the morning, you've forgotten about whatever it was. But you're not quite back to normal. You can't shake of this strange feeling. And when someone doesn't return a greeting, you're back in the slump. The day drifts by, but now you are acutely aware of all of the painful things in the world.

And it sucks.

Yeah, you're never alone, and yeah, it'll pass. But right now, in this moment, it hurts.

And you need to know that it's okay.

It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to take your time bouncing back. It's okay to worry about what people think of you. It's okay to cry because you're upset. It's okay to need a kind word or gesture. It's okay to deal with your hurt in your own way.

Peace and love,

S.

Feelings and chains.

I blog because I need an outlet, a distraction, something to break up the monotony of life and to serve as a reminder of who I was and what I was doing at a certain point in time. 

I don't often have anything worthy of saying. I have realised that I tend to blog more when I am in a heightened state of emotions, mainly angry or stressed or sad. I guess I don't have much to say when I'm happy because how many times can you write 'I'm happy' before someone shoots you for being so peppy? I don't really know why I feel this peace and oneness and joy sometimes. I don't know what brings it on or how to make it stay, except that it is usually when I realise and remember how awesome God is, and that patience is peace and there are reasons and He has plans that are beyond my immediate comprehension. And it has always worked out. Every time I have found myself in a bad situation, and turned to God for peace, the situation has passed and been replaced by a lesson learned and new opportunity for growth and happiness.

Sometimes I feel old and weary to my bones. I feel my insides ossifying, and my skeleton crystalising and and stiffening every joint. My heart feels heavy with the weight of unrealised dreams. But then I catch myself. What am I doing, perpetuating my own misery? What am I sad about? What is wrong in my life, what would I exchange for something different? And in trying to see reality, a strange happiness takes me. And then I feel like my insides are made of glitter and my heart is a pounding boombox beating out the rhythm of happiness. And then I catch myself again. Why am I so happy? And so on and on.

Anyway. I have two essays to write by Wednesday.

Peace and love,

S. 

Monday morning cynicism.

Why are people always telling me what to do? Often they think they are educating or liberating me, but really they are just P*SSING ME OFF.

Not that I'm in a bad mood, or anything (no irony). I'm actually quite happy. Being happy for no particular reason worries me a little, I'm not too sure as to why. Possibly because I'm so used to being worried? And because I kind of know something not-so-great will happen before too long. Or because I'm worried that I'm forgetting something? Because there's always something to worry about. But anyway, it's a pretty swell feeling.

In other news, I don't know what I'll be doing next year. The supervisor has dropped a few hints about who's going to be in the lab next year and who isn't, and I'm pretty much the only possible person who can leave, so....yeah...The studying psychiatry dream doesn't seem too likely, given I'd have to do med first. And I dreamed that I didn't get into any med programs at any of the universities in Australia. Dreams can be fun like that. 

If all else fails, I'll get a friend to get me a job at the restaurant where she works. I could wash dishes for a while, get some money, travel or whatever. And then decide what to do next. Wouldn't mind staying in uni forever, just learning EVERYTHING there is to learn. That'd be awesome. And then I'd understand research and stuff a little more, so I wouldn't constantly be google-ing things like diseases and antibodies and statistical analyses.

Happy news!! My blog views have ticked over 1000 (cumulative, since I started the blog, which may have been a few years ago, but still) in the last few weeks. I get quite a few views from the States, I don't think it's just per chance because if it were the viewing figures would be similar to Israel, Germany and Lithuania (search words, etc) - somewhere in the lower single digits. So dearest readers, HELLO!!! 

Also bonded with the American cousins over the weekend. It was AWESOME. The 8-year old - I was trying to explain to him that his brother is in middle school now and people get a bit grumpy around that time, and this adorable kid was like 'Oh, I'm already grumpy.' And asked for reasons, he responded with 'People are mean and they lie and push people around.' It was the cutest thing ever. Apart from that time my youngest brother, aged 9, wrapped his tissues in cling rap to take to school, so they wouldn't get dirty. It was a bizarrely brilliant moment. 

And then there was a discussion with the 14 year olds regarding how to survive a zombie apocalypse. That was a little intense. 

I'll get back to trying to look busy now. The other guy just showed me how to count glomerular cells with this software and that. He doesn't like it if I take notes while he's talking, but that just means I don't remember things. It easier to remember steps if you've written them down. And sometimes he treats me like a moron. For example, 7+8=15 DUH. And then when it comes to the hard stuff he just skims past it. Here's the verdict: he think I'm really thick, so he tries to dumb (the wrong) things down, but he doesn't understand that the things he thinks are simple are actually the slightly more complicated ones. Some brilliant people just don't understand that not everyone can be as smart as they are. 

Anyhooz.

Peace and love,

S.

A day in the life of...

So I've been back at uni (Honours) for nearly a month, now. I'm not convinced I've made any great leaps and bounds, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. I have successfully proven to my supervisors and peers that I am a total idiot, so at least there's no pressure to perform well, now.

I have come up with a new Olympic sport. I call it Synchronised Sitting, and it is very much like synchronised diving, except you aim to sit on a chair/stool/futon/sofa/floor in time with your teammate(s). I think it will catch on. I was inspired whilst watching an episode of Mock the Week on youtube, whereby the camera showed the three members of one team getting back into their seats after a stand-up round. Quite the entertaining show, I must say. As are the Frank Skinner group on Absolute podcasts. I can only listen to these in bed, in case I burst out laughing. I'm not keen on convincing my workmates that I'm insane as well as slow.

I have decided that I need to be more proactive. Actually I've been thinking this for a while now, just haven't had the time to post it. It feels more real when it's written/typed, like it's a record of what has to happen now.

Finding something to wear every day has been a hassle, I must say. It's been okay so far, I guess because I don't have to get up really early or stay really late. But I know that in a few weeks time I'm going to be back at my routine involving a few sets of clothes that I just wear in a cyclical fashion. I hope you understand that by this I mean that I forget I have any other clothes apart from a couple of hoodies, two pairs of jeans, and runners. And a black scarf. Maybe red it I don't have time to iron the black ones.

I recently finished reading 'Lord Sunday' by Garth Nix, last in the series. Had a sort of sad poignant ending I didn't really like. It's a children's book, it needs to be HAPPY! It also ended a little to abruptly, not a lot of explaining. But still, Nix is an awesome writer.

I think I need a desk. Once I sit down on the floor, I really can't be bothered getting for anything. I'm not really sure as to how I should deal with this lethargy. It's almost like I'm tired of being alive. I am convinced I reached middle age when I was 14, at which point I had the ensuing mid-life crisis - I still haven't dealt with this existential crisis-like dilemma. This can't be good. And now I feel like I'm weary in my bones.

Ah, well. Tomorrow is a new day.

Peace and love,

S.

I suffer from a disease called...

Boredom.

It's insane. I can't enjoy holidays or free time because I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not exactly sure how to function like a normal person. Books don't do it for me in the long run - I get restless and bored.

I can't just watch tv/movies without getting bored. I have to constantly be bombarded with stimuli.

HEADACHE, you say? Yeah, baby. Not even ibuprofen helps get rid of it.

Online games, baking, art, reorganising the bookshelf ... all lost on me, with the aid of carpal tunnel, pins and needles, general lethargy and BOREDOM.

Of course, there's also this thing with being unable to relax or just stay relaxed when I do get to that stage. ARGH.

Did ask the maternal if I could just take some sort of muscle relaxant, but she said they're addictive. Plus I'd always be afraid of losing control of all muscular components, i.e. bladder. Eurgh.

Five days until uni starts again. Wooh for Honours! Except I haven't started any research or reading AT ALL yet, and ok, the supervisor said that'd be okay too. But still. I bet I'm the only one who turns up with a carte blanche. And I'm pretty sure most of the others worked at their labs all summer, anyway.

Also, this no-carbs business is killing me. I NEED SOLID FOOD. NOW. It had better be worth it.

Anway.

Peace and love,

S.

Transitions.

I've been talking to people about Honours all year (for which I am glad, even though things haven't been sorted out yet - at least I got a bit of practise talking to people about these things), and I have come to realise more and more that the people you work with are more important than the area in which you work.

At least, in terms of how much you enjoy your job on a day-to-day basis. I want to work with awesome people, in the hope that I will learn from them not just about the research, but everything that makes a person awesome. I know I can't be perfect, but I want to come close.

I used to think that I'd belong in Ravenclaw, because I really valued success and learning and I was a high achiever at the time. Lately though, I think more and more that I'd belong in Gryffindor. I think I value loyalty and people more than anything else. If you get a bad grade, you can get up and try again. But if a friend ditches you? It's awful, and you get all paranoid and mopey.

I have also noticed that Latvia and the USA come up on my stats for this blog. The US will inevitable come up, given the sheer number of people, and I blog about random things so just searching for a favourite author will ping off this site. But Latvia? That's a bit more usual. Unless the settings on someone's computer are for Latvia, or something.

I used to blog in high school, not really at the height of my teen-angst, which was about Year 9, but starting from Year 10. I used to get really emotional and carried away with what-ifs, it was all very dramatic. I hope I've mellowed out a bit now. At some point in my life I'd like to be taken seriously as a writer, and sounding like an immature brat or something will hinder these attempts.

Haha I sound like a wannabe-posh-something. Soz, amigos. It's just that my life is relatively uneventful, but I won't be able to make it in politics because I'm not a naturally likeable person and people would try to dig dirt and there are people who would dish it. I'm opinionated, I stand up for what I think is right, and it doesn't pacify people when I admit to a mistake. And because I'm a very awkward person, sometimes I forget to speak to set things straight, and I'm not charismatic so my faults aren't easily forgiven.

At least with writing...actually it's not that different from politics. Nothing is, really. You always have to make a good impression, defend your faults, flatter people when you need something from them (like employment).

I think part of my problem is that I want be great, and it's not something you can try to have. It's the same with popularity - people like you so much better when you are confident within yourself and you don't try to imitate or impress. Except I want greatness in the sense that I want to be perfect, I want to look in the mirror and see someone I like. But you can't try to be likeable or liked. It's just something that comes with becoming a better person, I guess. And that starts with forgiving faults in others and showing mercy to those who can't or won't help you. Not that this is easy. Who doesn't want to stand up to a bully, or payback someone who brings you down and gets under your skin? But you can't get people to learn through brute force or selling out in order to fit in with them. Because then you're just a wannabe, and you've established their hold over you.

I'm not trying to preach, I just want to organise my thoughts so I can start applying some of what I learn. And I'd like to chronicle what I learn, just so when I look back on my life I'll know it wasn't wasted.

Exams soon. Hope they go ok. Insha'allah they will.

Peace and love,

S.

Epic LOL.

Me: Hey suckkaa. How's it going?
Mon at 02:58

Sis: not so good ;(

Mon at 03:23

Me:aww...chin up old girl!

Mon at 03:25 ·

Sis: old ? oh, way to make moi feel great!

Mon at 03:29

Me: No I meant it in the oldschool british way, like in famous five and so on. Tis meant to be an encouragement

Mon at 03:30

Sis: backtracking are we now ?

Mon at 03:33

Me: Explaining dope. Missing the point again, are we?

Mon at 03:34

Sis: nope. the retard is missing it though. lol

Mon at 03:37

Me: who's the retard? o_O

Mon at 07:13 ·

Sis: oh, you knoww.. THE retard.. how can you not knoww!

Mon at 11:39

Me: I'm sorry I think I just missed the point again.

Mon at 14:36

Sis: lmaoo ..

Mon at 14:40

Itchy Bees and Other Enchanting Stories

So, choosing an address for this blog was quite the ordeal. Why are the good ones always taken by people who haven't been active since the day they signed up?