Transitions.

I've been talking to people about Honours all year (for which I am glad, even though things haven't been sorted out yet - at least I got a bit of practise talking to people about these things), and I have come to realise more and more that the people you work with are more important than the area in which you work.

At least, in terms of how much you enjoy your job on a day-to-day basis. I want to work with awesome people, in the hope that I will learn from them not just about the research, but everything that makes a person awesome. I know I can't be perfect, but I want to come close.

I used to think that I'd belong in Ravenclaw, because I really valued success and learning and I was a high achiever at the time. Lately though, I think more and more that I'd belong in Gryffindor. I think I value loyalty and people more than anything else. If you get a bad grade, you can get up and try again. But if a friend ditches you? It's awful, and you get all paranoid and mopey.

I have also noticed that Latvia and the USA come up on my stats for this blog. The US will inevitable come up, given the sheer number of people, and I blog about random things so just searching for a favourite author will ping off this site. But Latvia? That's a bit more usual. Unless the settings on someone's computer are for Latvia, or something.

I used to blog in high school, not really at the height of my teen-angst, which was about Year 9, but starting from Year 10. I used to get really emotional and carried away with what-ifs, it was all very dramatic. I hope I've mellowed out a bit now. At some point in my life I'd like to be taken seriously as a writer, and sounding like an immature brat or something will hinder these attempts.

Haha I sound like a wannabe-posh-something. Soz, amigos. It's just that my life is relatively uneventful, but I won't be able to make it in politics because I'm not a naturally likeable person and people would try to dig dirt and there are people who would dish it. I'm opinionated, I stand up for what I think is right, and it doesn't pacify people when I admit to a mistake. And because I'm a very awkward person, sometimes I forget to speak to set things straight, and I'm not charismatic so my faults aren't easily forgiven.

At least with writing...actually it's not that different from politics. Nothing is, really. You always have to make a good impression, defend your faults, flatter people when you need something from them (like employment).

I think part of my problem is that I want be great, and it's not something you can try to have. It's the same with popularity - people like you so much better when you are confident within yourself and you don't try to imitate or impress. Except I want greatness in the sense that I want to be perfect, I want to look in the mirror and see someone I like. But you can't try to be likeable or liked. It's just something that comes with becoming a better person, I guess. And that starts with forgiving faults in others and showing mercy to those who can't or won't help you. Not that this is easy. Who doesn't want to stand up to a bully, or payback someone who brings you down and gets under your skin? But you can't get people to learn through brute force or selling out in order to fit in with them. Because then you're just a wannabe, and you've established their hold over you.

I'm not trying to preach, I just want to organise my thoughts so I can start applying some of what I learn. And I'd like to chronicle what I learn, just so when I look back on my life I'll know it wasn't wasted.

Exams soon. Hope they go ok. Insha'allah they will.

Peace and love,

S.