I am the three awes (after a fashion).

1. I am awful - sometimes I have really bad thoughts - I don't like people and their flaws annoy me.

2. I am awkward - I don't know what to do with myself. My posture is awkward, something confident but totally not - basically confused. I walk into things, drop stuff, say things that don't make sense.

3. I am awesome - inspite of everything, I'm not so bad. At least I'm not as tactless as some, and I hate embarrassing people/making them feel awkward, regardless of how much/little I like them. Plus, I have some really cool ideas (sometimes).

For want of a better word, WhenandHow?

Life seemed so much more promising back in high school. I genuinely thought I had a chance at getting into Oxford/Cambridge/Edinburgh/etc.. I actually thought I'd find a way, that things would work out, that I'd make something of my life.

Now...I don't know.

I'm at the end of my Science degree. I've been talking to heaps of people from different labs, asking about honours and research and stuff. They all get really excited and then they find out my average is a measly 69-point-something. I have this semester to fix it a bit, but it's a little too late. It doesn't make a difference how much I've had to deal with, with the commuting and family and health stuff.

Pretty much feel like breaking down and crying every time I think about this stuff.

I know things will work out eventually, and yes I'm learning to be a nicer person in the process, but I feel so insecure about the future. I don't know what to do next. I like having solid plans, with a fairly solid back-up plan, and a dreamy secondary back-up plan. And now I have no idea. Do I apply for another course? Do I start applying for jobs in retail?

I don't know what I want out of life, except that I want my life to mean something. I want to learn everything there is to learn. I want to be able to figure things out. There's got to be more to life than what someone else thinks of you, either in a social or academic or professional context. Is success really measured by what someone with a fancy title thinks of you and your work?

I know I'll look back on this and think, you know what, I'm glad it happened because I learned heaps. I learned to be a bit nicer, to think a little more about the world around me, a little more patience. But right now? It's hard.

On a brighter note, I have started reading books by Alexander McCall Smith. The Corduroy Mansions books were ok, but the 'Number 1 Ladies' Detective Agency' series are something special. You should look into them.

Peace and love,

S.

Impressions and maybe a change?

Haha accidentally swore in lab yesterday because I thought I'd pippetted the wrong amount of something. Woops. Clearly not going to be picked to do my honours there! Ah well. Also, who knew your second year marks count when applying for a PhD? Need a change of plans. Should have stuck with journalism and politics. Or maybe I could go into presenting for PlaySchool? Or doing the voices for cartoon characters?

Seriously. What. Am. I. Going. To. Do?! I've only got the 6 weeks or so of this semester to get good grades. Not that it will help massively, but still. Maybe I should whine heaps about the 4-5 hours of commuting I do daily. And then break down because of stress problems.

Life would be so much easier if I could just go to a nice rehab place and just learn how to live. This is going to sound terrible, but when I was younger (high school) I wished there was some way I could break down/get really sick/SOMETHING so that I'd be able to go crazy and let loose, and then go to rehab.

Ahahaha I was a silly kid. My sister had an asthma puffer (she'd gotten pneumonia) and I remember praying for God to give me asthma so I could have a puffer, too. I was about 7 or 8, I think. Clearly I was not right in the region between the ears.

Wait, that implies that my face wasn't right. It was. I dare say my face was awesome. I meant the brainy bit may have been a little twisted.

I will probably end up as teacher. Exactly what I never wanted to be, but will end up being. I could handle primary school, and maybe even some year levels at high school, but I remember the attitude some classmates used to give to teachers...and I don't think I could deal with that. Plus it's easy enough to teach a kid how to read and write, basic maths, the water cycle, volcanoes, whatever. But Physics? High Level Chem? Don't know if I want to be responsible for some one else's downfall as well. Don't think I could ever forgive myself for messing up someone's chances. I've had too many not-so-great teachers to think nothing of inflicting myself on others.

God give me patience. Really not much to be done but to wait.

Peace and love,

S.

Lime cordial and loyalty.

So, it has been a while. A belated Ramadan Kareem to those of you who are so inclined.

I always have heaps of stuff to blog about, but then I forget, and by the time I remember I've either calmed down or forgotten what it was that I wanted to say.

I find it a little hard to deal with competitive people. And mean people. Especially when they pass it off as being funny or whatever, and then people think you're awful for thinking like that. The fact of the matter is, that I am a great deal more perceptive than the average person. And also a little paranoid, but that just heightens my awareness. Yes, I am prone to missing the big things sometimes, but life and everything in it is about the little things. The little comments a friend makes with a smile on their face that isn't real. The way people run to you when they need something, but run away when you need something. The way they greet you depending on who they, and you, are with. Loyalty does not play a major part in these peoples' lives.

Anyway, the point is, that being nice to people you know you don't really want to be around can be a bit of a trial. I always tell myself not to be judgmental, and that first impressions are wrong (they're not, by the way, for the most part), not to be mean and so on. So I end up putting up with things for ages, until it gets to the point where I want to punch holes in walls and break shatterable vases. And then I'm labelled as being judgmental, anti-social, whatever. Part of the problem is that I'm always so eager to please and make new friends.

On the other hand, the world is full of awesomeness. The people you can't help loving, the ones who make you laugh till you cry, the ones who care about more than their own little worlds, the ones who put a smile on your face the moment you see or even think about them. The ones who go out of their way to help anyone and everyone, stick up for whoever it is being picked on. Unlike the 'friends' who will stand by when you're being picked on, these ones stand up for you, make you feel better, even with just a pat on the arm. They are the ones who make you wish you could either adopt them or be adopted by them, so you spend all your time around them. They make you want to be a better person. More than that, they make you feel like you ARE a better person.

These sort of people are awesome in the some way that lime cordial makes your day better. In the same way that watching the sun rise on your own makes you feel like the world is at your feet. Sitting in your room at home, listening to the sounds of the rest of the house and world, it gives you a quiet sense of inner peace, and being around these awesome people is the same.

If awful things, meeting awful people included, are meant to happen, they will happen regardless of whether you laugh or cry. So you may as well make life a bit easier for yourself and laugh. That's why I laugh hysterically when I'm nervous (coping mechanism). If I'm going to fail an exam, at least I don't feel as terrible as I otherwise might.

And another thing - everything comes to pass. A bad situation will end, given time, and so will a good one. Life keeps moving.

I'm not implying that I'm perfect. In fact, I am boldly stating that I am, and I know you agree.

I come across as a little stupid, I think.

People are happy to copy my work, have me feed them all of the answers, sit with them for ages explaining things they don't understand, but heaven forbid I do well, much more score a single mark higher than them. People can be very petty, when it comes to things like that. They forget I was the one taking notes all semester, asking questions, and so on.

'Hi, I'm X and I'm a people-person, and therefore completely tactless, because that's what a people-person is like. I miss all the obvious and subtle hints, because I'm very perceptive and super-intelligent, qualities which have obviously been enhanced by my experiences. Clearly, I am a truly wonderful person.'

'Hi, I'm Y and I'm really smart but also really humble. You will not meet a more self-absorbed person than myself, and that's okay because I am so very humble. I like to go around picking on people whom I believe to be all 'me me me', because that sort of behaviour is unacceptable.'

'Hi, I'm Z and I'm the funniest and most interesting person on the planet. Every word out of my mouth will leave you in awe. Every letter I enunciate will have you in stitches, because I'm that hilarious. I know you're interested in each of my pathetic attempts to hold on to your attention, so I'll give you a detail of exactly how I was sleeping and the position of my head relative to my left thumb, when I woke up suddenly this morning to the sound of my alarm. It was so interesting and funny.'

Shut up.

Life takes time.

I think I might die young.

You know when you try to picture yourself in a few years time, few decades etc., and it's really difficult? I think that bit is normal. The other part is where I can't see myself changing or maturing any more. The way I think and see the world hasn't really changed since I was a kid, and can I really be the same when I'm thirty or forty? I'd be too...perky? Young? Naive? Not quite sure how to put it, but I'm not really adult, and it's not because I'm irresponsible or incapable of doing things on my own.

It's kind of a scary thought. I can't react the same way to things when I'm middle-aged as I do now, but I don't know if I can change. It's one thing to go from 10 to 20 and not change a huge amount, because even at 20, you're still considered young and are just getting a grip on the real world. But what happens if I'm, say, thirty-five, and I get really stressed and break down crying? Is that really acceptable from someone so old?

I don't really know. I suppose I could be a hermit and therefore avoid social norms and expectations. It's probably easier to accept a weirdo who keeps to their self than it is to accept someone who is too perky for their age.

Just a thought...

Do you ever wonder if bees fly upside down? Just for the fun of it?
(http://teachers.net/gazette/JUN08/newlin/ABeeJitterbug.gif)

Keeping company.

There is no feeling in life worse than feeling alone.

Every problem in life is so much easier when you have someone. They don't have to go through it with you, or know what's going on, but just be there.

But home is nowhere.

If there is one thing that annoys me more than people contesting/attacking my Australian-ness, it is when they feel the need to comment on my grasp of the English language. The silly people don't know where to put the commas or when to capitalise, and they have the nerve to tell me I speak really well?

It's enough to make me want to punch them. Sometimes I wish I could have been a boy, because that way I wouldn't be ostracised for having violent tendencies.

Sometimes when I think about stuff, I remember a teacher I once had. He'd told me that when he was young he'd read a book called 'The cat who walked alone' or something, and he used to feel it was talking about him, and he was inclined to thinking it applied to myself as well. Sometimes this makes me feel special. Other times it makes me feel lonely.

It's kind of pathetic, having my identity crisis (of sorts) now, but I had other things to worry about in the old days. Like the state of the third world and the insipid stupidity of politicians and the uneducated. And my own little monster.

Ah, to be young again...

Not sure that I'd do anything differently - when you look at the whole scheme of things, no matter what you think you would have done differently, you wouldn't have, really.

I'm not making sense. That's okay, it's exam time.

Nonsense.

Sometimes

The sun doesn't look so sunny,

The water's too runny,

I'm too funny,

This is not going to help me make money.

Maybe

I'll fight fires,

Or change tyres,

Or lock away liars,

I'm not sure I have the skills that this requires.

Perhaps

I should learn to sing,

Can't wait to be king,

Find a rock to which I could cling,

Because my world has lost its anchoring,

Probably

Just marry someone rich and generous,

Whose pretty cars are numerous,

And will appreciate my humorous(ness).

Or I could just study.

-S.

A tear.

Here's a tear
For ended youth,
Here's a hug
To see you through.

Twist the knife
And pull it out,
Don't forget
Though in the end
This gaping hole
Shall mend.

A racking sob,
A flood,
Hold me
And call me dear,
For this is more
Than just a tear.

-S.

Wrinkles.

There are essentially four types of wrinkles.

1. Sun exposure wrinkles, so you look a little weather-beaten and slightly squinty.
   
2. Grumpy/frowny wrinkles, so you get the crease in between your eyebrows
3. Laughter wrinkles that make you look like an open and friendly person ALL the time
4. And lastly, the kind like what I'm probably going to end up with - the bewildered/surprised wrinkles.

I hope I get the laughter ones, but I'm not likely to. I am a natural born worrier, and my face has been plastered with a permanently bewildered look. It might have something with my eyebrows sitting a little higher than a normal person's. Or maybe that my eyes are so round. Or just that I'm so lost in my own thoughts, I forget to wear any other expression.

Expressions are really hard to master.

Procrastination.

If pressure in my cranium (Pc) and atmospheric pressure (Patm) are such that Pc excedes Patm, given that I still have a 2000 word essay to start and finish by Wednesday ([Pc>>Patm]^Uni where Uni is equivalent to the Unfun constant), what would be the best way to relieve said cranial P without drilling a hole in it?

Extra points for pretty equations.

Penny for your thoughts, Two for your integrity.

There are times when you think your white/non-ethnic friends are ready to be able to deal with it, and you tell them stuff and they react to totally the wrong thing. For example, you're like, "Yeah my parents said I couldn't go", and they're like, "What? You still have to ask your parents? But you're over 18!!" when the point of the matter was the fact that you can't go. Someone who understood would be like, "What, that sucks, can't you convince them? Do you want my parents to call them?"

It's even funnier when people, ethnic as well as non, act like they're totally cultured and in the know. Actually, it's not funny, it's just boring.

Anyway. Then you have other people who are constantly telling you not to conform, and just want you to do everything that they do, the way that they do. When they do something and you ask them if they seriously did it, they respond with, "Oh, what, I thought everyone was doing that now, you should as well, there's totally nothing wrong with it."

It leaves you not knowing whether to be annoyed or disappointed.

Epic LOL.

Me: Hey suckkaa. How's it going?
Mon at 02:58

Sis: not so good ;(

Mon at 03:23

Me:aww...chin up old girl!

Mon at 03:25 ·

Sis: old ? oh, way to make moi feel great!

Mon at 03:29

Me: No I meant it in the oldschool british way, like in famous five and so on. Tis meant to be an encouragement

Mon at 03:30

Sis: backtracking are we now ?

Mon at 03:33

Me: Explaining dope. Missing the point again, are we?

Mon at 03:34

Sis: nope. the retard is missing it though. lol

Mon at 03:37

Me: who's the retard? o_O

Mon at 07:13 ·

Sis: oh, you knoww.. THE retard.. how can you not knoww!

Mon at 11:39

Me: I'm sorry I think I just missed the point again.

Mon at 14:36

Sis: lmaoo ..

Mon at 14:40