Drip, drip, FLOOD COMING!

There are times when you want to say something, express some emotion or thought, and you find that you can't. Then you listen to a song, and it makes you feel better. So you keep listening to it. But it just reinforces the awful feeling you had at the beginning, because even though it made you feel better in the moment, it also keeps reminding you of that thing that brought you down in the first place.

Right now I'm counting cells. It's going okay. It's still a novelty, given I've just started. But it also gives me time to think. And thinking when you're tired and/or hungry tends to be a little depressing.

Today's lab meeting was quite entertaining; the supervisor showed us pictures of his holiday in the middle of nowhere. He's an interesting character. Sometimes you see a younger person, and it reminds of you some older person you know, so you can imagine what they (the older person) would have been like as a child or young adult. I am having trouble placing the supervisor. If I make a mistake, he'll correct me and try to teach me, but if I still don't understand/can't fix it after a couple of times, he sort of decides that that must be the best I can do and leaves it at that. He's awesome, but the lack of faith sometimes is a bit of a downer. Or maybe I'm over-thinking it.

Not that my self-worth or estimation of my capacities or happiness or anything should rely on or be influenced by anyone outside of myself. But still. There's this part of me that's human, and it keeps taking over. And I don't know how to tell him that my immuno failed again even though the other guy was there with me the whole time. Well, it's not that I don't know how to tell him. I'm just terrified, is all. Not that I should be, given that I have a plan for next year (Arts degree) if all else fails. But I think this plan would mean admitting failure and therefore is a little hard to accept properly/be happy with. 

I shall stop before I make even less sense.

Peace and love,

S.