Even more dreams.

This is another post about dreams, in case you want to stop reading straight away.

A while ago I had a dream that I asked one of the lab heads in the department for advice on how to pick a lab to work with. He said I should ask them, "What is your policy regarding idiots?" This was perfectly acceptable in the dream, and hilarious when I woke up. 

I can only conclude that I have a comedienne buried somewhere deep inside me.


You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of a dream, and you don't realise whatever it was that you were thinking about was a dream? Yesterday I dreamed that the way to turn off that loud buzzing sound was to stretch out my blue hair tie. The buzzing sound turned out to be my phone ringing, and I stretched out my hair tie in my half-asleep state. The buzzing wouldn't stop and then I realised I was awake. Hate to think of what I'd get up to if I sleep-walked. Like rolling around with a tiger under my bed. Or compulsively pulling out my own teeth. 

This leads to my second conclusion - that I am slightly out of touch with reality, but on the plus side have deep well of creativity somewhere in me, as well. 

Awesome. 


Also, sometimes I want to answer questions and then yell out, "COME AT ME BRO!" but I fear being ostracised.


Peace and love,

S. 

Caffeine and Crying.

Today, I was once again reminded of how emotionally vulnerable I am when sleep-deprived. I also experienced first-hand the up-lifting joy caffeine brings to any situation. I think the last few weeks have proven conclusively that so many people cannot be wrong - coffee is a wonderful drug.

In related news, I am running on about 3 hours of sleep, the wind is howling, I have made very little progress with my thesis, but I feel okay. Well, now that I've had my little cry in the ladies' room and subsequently loaded up on caffeine.

Hang on a moment - was it the caffeine, or the influx of post-crying adrenaline? How confusing. 

Anyway. Glee is back, Merlin is coming back soon, Mock the Week is back, 8 out of 10 Cats is back, Would I Lie to You is back - seriously, what more can I ask for? Two weeks to the day till thesis is due, and by God I'm going to get there HAPPY. HAPPY, I tell you, HAPPY.

Peace and love,

S.

Gracias, friends.

I am not a germaphobe. I don't have a problem with dirt. I just don't like bins - don't like touching them, breathing near them, going anywhere near them.

I don't understand people who can bring themselves to approach said bins on a regular basis, without any qualms. But I do appreciate these people. 

Sure, I can take out the bin if I really have to and there is no one else around and it's urgent. But that doesn't mean I'll be breathing while I do it, or taking my time. It is definitely not something I like to think about. And if there is any chance at all that someone else can deal with it, I will go to extreme lengths to avoid doing it myself.

The weird thing is, even I don't have a problem with a wrapper. Or even a pile of wrappers. But put all of these wrappers in a container and I can't go near it. Weird. 

So from the bottom of my heart, I'd like to thank all those people who take out the bins so that weaklings like myself don't have to. 

Peace and love,

S.

Tick tock...

Three weeks till the thesis is due.


I'm not sure how I'm feeling, except I've felt this before, and it might have been during year 12, where I did nothing, but at least I did nothing in relative peace.


My supervisor has been away for about a week now, and the other guy only comes in every second day for a bit, so I haven't been hassled too much. But when he gets back next week and sees I haven't achieved much...woops.


I don't know if there's any point in trying to do anything at this point. Why can't I just sit in the sun and read things I'm interested in, and spend time with my family?


Not that I have a problem with having to write up a thesis - it's that I have deal with people either feeling sorry for themselves or picking on me, plus the stress of counting down the days. And knowing that I'll be asked certain questions in the thesis defence - i.e. why didn't I start everything earlier, or why didn't I do anything apart from imaging and counting? - and the answer is because they were the supervisor's decisions, but that's not going reflect well at all. 


I'm sure everything will be fine. 


Except for the teeth. 


Peace and love,

S.

Dragons and Typewriters.

Of the most depressing realisations I have had, the one pertaining to the non-real nature of dragons is by far the worst.


Sure, there are komodo dragons (lizard-type things) and dragonflies (overrated, long, fly-cross-butterfly things). And I suppose you also count frill-necked lizards, and so on. But it's just not the same thing. 


It's not that I ever believed in dragons - it's more that once I found out about them and knew they were mythical, I just felt like crying. Even now, every now and again it hits - dragons don't really exist - and all of that raw emotion comes flooding back.


Anyway. 


I'm nearly at the end of Honours. Nothing is going right, just as it should be. I just thought that all of the things going wrong would be to do with the actual science, not the people or access to the microscope. Supervisor will not be happy with the latest development. And he's just gone to America for some conference. Yay.


I have decided that if I get a H1, I will get a typewriter for myself. When I was very little - about 5 or 6 - my grandparents had a typewriter that was kept at our house. I used to love typing up random stuff. I don't know where the typewriter disappeared to, but I do know I didn't appreciate it enough at the time. There's just something so timeless and beautiful about a typewriter. Computers are great, but the typewriter captures the pure essence of it all. 

In the event that I get a H2A, I will reward myself with a book. 


And if I fail, I will just need lots and lots of cake. 


Peace and love,


S.

Ode to the Square.

They ask me, "S.,
How can you bear
To be a square?"

And I'm like, "Dude,
When you're as awesome as me
There's nothing else you can be."

So they're like, "Well,
What's so great
About this shape?"


And I'm like, "Observe,
The sides are so straight
And so is each face."


Then they're like, "Oh,
I see the right angles - 
They might be more than I can handle!"


So I'm like, "What,
Is that all?
What about the four strong walls?"

And they're like, "Wow,
You're totally right - 
What a sight!"


And I'm like, "Look,
The smooth tessellation
It's beyond the imagination!"


So they're like, "S.,
I concur
The perfection of the square - 
It captures your awesomeness,
I see it all there!"


And I'm like, "Thanks,
I knew you'd see the light
Though it took you a while,
I'm glad you know I'm right."


S.

I should be emotionally exhausted. Oh, that's right, I AM.

Sometimes, you have to recognise that you're human, and just let yourself feel whatever you're supposed to be feeling. There are times when all of the emotions you have been pushing aside just come flooding back.

But in the interest of happiness and not sounding like the whinge that I seem to have become, I will share the positives with you.

Well, I say positive, I actually mean hilariously awkward.

Yesterday, there was a seminar for PhD and Honours students, regarding data presentation. The lecturer was pretty funny, and involved the audience in everything. He picked people out to answer questions based on what their appearance, eg. guy with the red hair, girl in the blue top, etc. He went all along our row, and stopped at the girl next to me. I knew something was going to come up (I wear the hijab). Sure enough, 10 minutes later he came out with "Girl in the hood". LMAO!! I couldn't stop laughing! The girls I was with were trying not to laugh, and the rest of lecture theatre were dead silent. It was ridiculously hilarious.

Today while trying to round a corner in the lab, I bumped into the emergency eye-wash basin and suddenly there was water everywhere. I don't think anyone else has managed to do this yet.

There's a church group singing and giving out free popcorn at uni this week. Yesterday I went by with a friend for some popcorn, and this lady tried to convert me in a really subtle way. She kept offering me a bible in English and Dari. Today I went by for more popcorn, with another friend, and the same lady slipped me a CD about something or the other. 


I do not like being preached to, especially by someone who doesn't seem to know enough about the religion - point in question: Protestants can divorce, but Catholics can't. Instead of saying that the bible says you can't get divorced, but that Henry VIII broke away from the Church and changed some rules, she just went on about adultery. In all my experience, my practising Christian friends are some of the nicest people I've ever met, and if I had any questions, I would much rather ask them. They have never pushed their views onto me. Why can't everyone just practise their own religion in peace, without having other people bother them? In this case, I was prepared to let her talk at me, because her group was providing me with delicious free popcorn. But on the whole, I'd rather not have ideas forced onto me.

I had 2-minute noodles for lunch today. As I tried to take my (super-hot) bowl out of the microwave using a tea-towel and both hands, it slipped out of my grip and emptied itself out all over the kitchenette floor. Not only is my left pinky burned and stinging, but I had an audience. A friend said it must be Jesus trying to give us a sign. I'm sceptical. 

Okay, so I'm not really feeling any less emotionally vulnerable, but I think I have been successfully distracted from the other problem that was plaguing me. Namely, that every time I tell myself that the other guy in the lab isn't so bad, he goes and does something worse. I have learnt, this year, that I'm proficient in dealing with people like him. But my thesis is due in less than 4 weeks, and I'm still collecting data, and I don't know what to do next, and I'm super-stressed. I do not want to see him or to hear his voice or ANYTHING. 

Let's end on a positive note - tomorrow I have another session on the 'scope at Peter Mac. This time I won't forget anything or be late, insha'Allah. And then I will have something awesome for lunch. And then I will go home to sleep. It will be awesome. I hope you have an awesome day, too.

Peace and love,


S.

LOL.

"Sometimes things go right and fairytales come true. Sometimes our dreams become reality, and sometimes we are given more than we had ever wished for. 

Sometimes such things happen."

~

Sometimes things go wrong so that something else can go right. And the thing that went wrong - it was worth it, for all of the things that happened afterwards.


Sometimes, all you can do is LOL. 


I had an almost 20-hour day yesterday. I stayed back at uni to work on my thesis, and finally crashed at about 3 am. I was asleep by 4 am, with the intention of getting up at 6 am in order to get to Peter Mac in time for my 10 am microscope session (our SP5's 405 laser is being fixed overseas). Of course none of this worked. I woke up in a panic at 9: 09 am, and realised it was light outside. The paternal drove me to the city (after a detour to uni, where I had to pick up the tissue sections and the 40x lens). I tried emailing the lady to let her know I'd be late, but nothing seemed to be working. It was raining, and we were stuck in traffic. Turned out I was about 20, 25 minutes late. The lady who was supposed to help me set up had just gone into a seminar, and wouldn't be back for a few hours, by which time my session would be over. I had to run around to find a payphone to call the paternal to come back and pick me up. He wasn't impressed. 


I'm really lucky I was thoroughly exhausted and slightly delirious from the lack of sleep, otherwise I would have been in full-on panic mode. I could feel my heart trying to beat faster and have a panic attack, but I was way too tired. Breaking the news to my supervisor was the biggest worry, at this point. Turns out I didn't need to, because the other guy had already done it for me (at least, I think it was him - he was the only other person I'd gotten around to telling). The thing with my supervisor is that he will never snap outwardly, or show his anger. It lulls you into a false sense of security. But I know he wasn't impressed - but at least he didn't make me cry! 


LOL. Really, that's all you can do at the end of all of that.


Of course I emailed the Peter Mac people, apologising profusely. The supervisor sent one too. They were really nice about the whole thing, luckily. 


So now I don't have any images to count, and therefore no data. I disappointed not just my supervisor, but my self. I used to be an hour early everywhere I went, I don't know what happened. I caused a whole lot of hassle for the paternal, as well as the people at Peter Mac kind enough to help me out.


But like I said, sometimes one thing doesn't work out so that something else will. If I had made it to the microscope session, I wouldn't have been back in time for today's departmental seminar, to which I was really looking forward. I really enjoyed the talk, and I find the subject of Fragile X syndrome absolutely fascinating, not least because I'm now worried I might have a permutation (I have a symptom - the anxiety issues). Of course I know I don't actually have it. I don't have the family history, and given that it's X-linked and how common it is, something should have come up. But still. It's fascinating. 


I also got to go home and sleep at about 2 pm. I saw my family - usually they are asleep when I leave in the morning, and asleep again when I come back in the early hours of the night. 


Plus I got to have a lunch that did not consist of 2-minute noodles. And it was great.


Peace and love,


S.

Significant milestone.

Welcome to my 100th post!


Unless I read back over previous posts and decide something doesn't show me in a good enough light :p.

I have been trying to think of something witty or significant to say, but life has taken care of it for me. It begins as follows.


The SP5 confocal microscope broke down a couple of weeks ago, and has had to be sent first to Adelaide, and then to the US. It won't be in action for a total of 3 weeks - just when I'm supposed to be at the peak of my data collection phase. I haven't broken down hysterically yet, though, which is a little strange. It's almost like I'm not bothered. We have been trying to find another SP5 and co-ordinate sessions at the one in the city. Finally managed to get on the 'scope yesterday, and realised they didn't have the right lens, so most of yesterday was spent pestering and begging the people who take care of the microscopes here. We now have a lens, but may not have a microscope on Thursday because the other guy didn't end up calling them yesterday. Woops.


Despite all of this apparent drama, I am feeling pretty good. I was listening to the Frank Skinner show podcast on Sunday night, when suddenly I heard words that seemed very familiar - they were reading MY email!!! Okay, so they pronounced my name HILARIOUSLY, and thought I was a man, but Emily Dean also said (I quote) "I like him". WIN. I have since tweeted Em, and she has replied! I made contact with awesome people on the other side of the world and I AM SO EXCITED. I don't think anything I achieve from here on out can top this. When I look back on my life this will definitely be one of my proudest moments. And Alun Cochrane made a very clever gag re: handy man and no job too small (because I count cell nuclei). Totes using it in my final seminar/thesis defence. "What was your highlight of the year?" - "Having my email read out on Frank Skinner's show and Alun's customised joke." WOOP!

Here is a link to the show: http://www.absoluteradio.co.uk/podcasts/Frank-Skinner-on-Absolute-Radio/2011-09-03/ . My bit comes in at about 37 minutes and 38 seconds.


Peace and love,

S.

What am I doing?

I'm not panicking. Not panicking.

I think I'm having a panic attack. Haven't had one in a while. The problem with anxiety disorders is that the symptoms decided to manifest themselves at the most inopportune moments. Like just before you open your mouth to speak at a seminar. Or just before an interview. Or in the middle of an exam. Or at night when you're trying to go to sleep. Or when you're trying to start your thesis write-up because you only have a week and a half till it needs to be done, after which you will be scrambling like a madwoman trying to finish results and counting. 


The microscope is out of action for about 2 weeks. The immuno on the latest sections will be faded by the time the microscope is fixed, and the alternate sections for this subject have already been used, so I'll have to do a whole other set of IGVs. Which is fine, because I'd be doing it now, if the microscope were working. But I'm having trouble starting my intro write-up, or my methods re-write. I had a nightmare re: confronting the other guy for being so awful and the ensuing drama. I understand that in the overall scheme of things, I'm not that old, I have plenty of time and opportunities ahead of me, and everything will be fine. But right now, I don't feel like I'm making any headway towards any of that. 

I keep telling myself I have a plan for next year - Masters of Reproductive Science, or Arts degree - but do I really? No. And it's freaking me out.Lucky I've been fasting for the past month, it leaves you too drained to get worked up about anything. 

Anyway. There is a whole wide world out there, and I want to experience it. I want to be learning something new every single day. I want to be GOOD at things. I want to avoid feeling bored/trapped/helpless/miserable at all costs. I guess at least I know what I want. Certainly gives me something to aspire towards. And I've learned, throughout the course of this year, that I'm very good at hiding misery and putting on a happy front, which is important when you're dealing with the world. 

I'm listening to "Iran, Iran" by Arash, and I LOVE it - the music, the voice, don't really get the words but those as well. Am also loving "Letters to God, pt. II" by Angels and Airwaves. His voice has this insane sort of beauty. If I could sing, I would do so at every opportunity. I'd sing instead of normal speech, and I would never shut up.

Peace and love,


S.

Frustration.

You know when you put something off for ages, and then you finally do it, and you think, "Why on earth did I put it off?! It was so easy, and I could have bee done ages ago!"?

Yeah, well I've been trying to get my methods draft done for ages now. I've been avoiding these two particular sections, and overall I've had a good day if I've typed up three sentences. Tomorrow is the absolute deadline for getting it to my supervisor, so I managed to finish it all off today, and I am now very annoyed with myself. It wasn't even that bad. Sure, it isn't perfectly written, but it's a start! I could have saved myself so much stress and headache, if I'd just DONE it!


I always have this problem, and I do this every single time. I stress at the thought of doing things, and I avoid doing anything about it apart from just stressing out even more. It's very frustrating. I over-think things, and just STRESS OUT for no good reason. 

Bah. 


We're in the last third of Ramadan now, and it's being going well (apart from this stress) Alhamdulillah. I just get really sleepy at around 3 pm. I bought an awesome 2-pieced giant cupcake mould today. I'm really excited to use it. I know it's essentially just a tall cake with a smaller diameter, but still. We had lovely sunshine today, so overall life isn't too bad. I'm coping with the supervisor and the other guy. Don't see much of them anyway. Have discovered the beauty of cufflinks - I want to start wearing shirts all the time, so I can wear them too. I don't care if cufflinks are usually only associated with men. You know you can get these awesome novelty flip-out ruler onces? So cool! It also struck me today that I really love my dad. 

Okay, I'm trying to get this amazing bag on ebay, and it's counting down the last hour. I might cry if someone else gets in at the last 30 seconds. Or even now. Wish me luck!

Peace and love,

S.

Leave Me to My Thoughts

Leave me to my thoughts,
Let me wander around in peace...
The grass is greener in the distance,
And I want to be free.

Let me go far, far away,
Let today be the last thought on my mind,
Unlock the shackles on my feet,
Let me leave this hell behind.


I've been to Hades,
I've been stuck here for too long.
I'm sick of the darkness,
And I'm tired of hearing the same sad songs.

I'll leave tomorrow,
Nothing can make me stay.
I'm going to walk on towards the sun,
And sit on the horizon of every day.


S.

I know you're secretly interested in my mundane existence.

I'm so tired I might cry.

The last few days have been okay. I helped out at the university Open Day. It was pretty fun. You meet all of these people that you'd never meet in your classes or your degree. It's all really interesting. And also makes you feel a little inadequate - you're all around the same age and they've achieved worlds more. They get head-hunted to help out with events, and they have contacts in all areas of the media and the arts and within the uni. I wish I could be more like them.

But then again, I'm quite happy being myself. On the whole, anyway. 

The day also reminded me of what it's like to work in retail. People can be impatient or annoyed, and you're at the receiving end even though it's not your fault. But most people are really nice and polite. Showing the tiniest bit of respect or friendliness really makes their day (and vice versa). 

I'm supposed to be counting cells right now (woop!) but am taking a quick break. I'm incredibly tired (long day, late night). In my sensitive state, I am even more aware of the little things in peoples' tone of voice or choice of words. Maybe I should be a behavioural analyst for politicians, or something? Would be a good use of my paranoia and hypersensitivity to social undercurrents. 

Back to counting!

Peace and love,

S.

My Book.

I have felt for quite some time that I should write down everything I know and think. I have been doing this, to some extent, in the various blogs and diaries I have had over the years. But I think it is now time to commit to a book. It will be a never-ending book, with a chapter coming out at a time. There will be no single point I'm trying to make - rather, it shall be a chronicle of my dynamic, ever-changing life, views and events. I may contradict myself or formulate very different views from chapter to chapter, and that's okay. 

A little while ago this awesome lady who is an active member of the community and also teaches at my uni, suggested I write a book entitled 'Lessons In Humility'. It seems to be a very fitting title. Back in high school another girl suggested I write a book called 'My Opinions'. This is also a very fitting name. I have been brainstorming and I think 'The Magnitude of My Awesomeness Knows No Bounds' is also befitting. Or I could use all three? I will also need chapter titles, although numbers would of course suffice. Suggestions welcome! 

That is all for now. Apart from this decision, I think life is pretty dandy. Ramadan Kareem to all of my fellow Muslims (and anyone else who would like to join in)! This month is going to be an awesome one. I can feel the panic creeping up (re: Honours, data, no time!), but for some reason I have felt very good over the last few days, Alhamdulillah. The cell counts are frustrating but sort of fun. Although I can feel the craziness creeping up on me. But that's okay.

Peace and love,

S.

And we start with a quote...

"I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those that makes things beautiful." -- Friedrich Nietzsche.

I think some part of me has come to realise that my goal in life isn't just the jobs and courses I want to get into, the places I want to go. My target is being in a perpetual state of awesomeness, and I think I'm well on track for this goal.

In fact, one could argue that I am already there. In a lot of ways I have/am already achieved/achieving my life goals - I'm learning, (sort of) meeting new people, am reasonably healthy, and totally awesome, if my baking adventures last week are anything to go by (apart from some bits...).

I jest, I know that I am not yet perfect. But what is perfect? Sometimes we covet not the absolute perfection, but the beauty that is in imperfection. The clouds aren't perfectly white or symmetrical, but they are beautiful nonetheless. The rain doesn't fall in straight parallel lines at an equal distance from all other drops of rain - in fact, not all rain drops in the same instance of rain are the same size. But rain is still awesome. Not every petal on a flower is identical, symmetrical and uniform - but the  flower is still perfect. 

Point in discussion being, that yes, a perfectly straight line is beautiful, but so is a sine wave. A straight path is satisfying, but a crooked one is just as fun. My life may not be following the ideal plan, but it's getting there, and it's good. And I'm pretty awesome. Not sure exactly why, but I know I feel good and that's good enough for today, at least. 

Also, I had a dream about Jedward last night. It was weird, in hindsight. And the youngest brother is having a semi-meltdown. He made me promise that he won't fail his science project. And he has had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights. He has also taken over my bed. Ten is too young for this sort of freaking out.

Cell counts! It's going okay, at least I've started on an actual subject. Not too happy with the figures I'm getting, but oh well.

Have yourself an awesome day!

Peace and love,

S.