Aspirations.

I would like to write a poem,

On all things great.

I would like to write an ode,

To the intricacies of fate.

Alas, I am no poet,

No great composer,

And though I dream all day

I know it's already over.

S.

I'm not eccentric...

...I'm just very bad at hiding all the weird things about me.

Okay, so I may be a little different, but that's because I realise that I try to please people and that I'm cowardly when it comes to expressing opinions that don't coincide with others, so I try to change that at every opportunity that I get.

That didn't make a lot of sense. What I mean is I have a people-pleasing complex, and I'm always seeking the approval of others. So when I realise that I have a chance to not do this, I take it.

Okay, that wasn't worded any better. Soz.

My third year of uni is over, and I still don't know what to do next. Sure, I have the grand dreams, but I don't know what the next step is in getting there. I'm thinking if I don't get into Honours (which is likely), I'd like to do an Arts degree, or Business/Commerce and Arts. The most successful people in the world tend to be ones who haven't finished uni, or even high school, but are successful because they have a brain for business and how the world works.

One of the reasons why I love science is because it tries to do what we all are trying to do with life - it tries to make sense of the seemingly chaotic universe, by figuring out pathways, giving things names, organising things into phyla and tables. And I think business does this, too. Well, okay actually everything you study is trying to organise things into a way that'll make it easier to understand, but science and business seem to extend to real life a bit more easily.

We'll see how it goes, in good time, I suppose. It's not easy waiting, though, is it?

Peace and love,

S.

More awesome stuff. It's so beautiful.

I can't sleep. So listen to this. It's pretty awesome.

I'm not sick...

...I am defective.

I can't control my own thoughts. My face isn't perfectly symmetrical. I'm under the average height for girls. Some times I have weird thoughts. I have trouble sleeping sometimes despite being tired and sleep-deprived. I feel the need to take naps because everything tires me out. I can't handle caffeine all that well. I'd be a rubbish hunter as I don't do stealth all that well. I would get bored with just gathering. On the plus side this would mean I would be leaning towards the lean side. I am a really weird mix of outgoing and introverted, making me unstable, I believe.

Transitions.

I've been talking to people about Honours all year (for which I am glad, even though things haven't been sorted out yet - at least I got a bit of practise talking to people about these things), and I have come to realise more and more that the people you work with are more important than the area in which you work.

At least, in terms of how much you enjoy your job on a day-to-day basis. I want to work with awesome people, in the hope that I will learn from them not just about the research, but everything that makes a person awesome. I know I can't be perfect, but I want to come close.

I used to think that I'd belong in Ravenclaw, because I really valued success and learning and I was a high achiever at the time. Lately though, I think more and more that I'd belong in Gryffindor. I think I value loyalty and people more than anything else. If you get a bad grade, you can get up and try again. But if a friend ditches you? It's awful, and you get all paranoid and mopey.

I have also noticed that Latvia and the USA come up on my stats for this blog. The US will inevitable come up, given the sheer number of people, and I blog about random things so just searching for a favourite author will ping off this site. But Latvia? That's a bit more usual. Unless the settings on someone's computer are for Latvia, or something.

I used to blog in high school, not really at the height of my teen-angst, which was about Year 9, but starting from Year 10. I used to get really emotional and carried away with what-ifs, it was all very dramatic. I hope I've mellowed out a bit now. At some point in my life I'd like to be taken seriously as a writer, and sounding like an immature brat or something will hinder these attempts.

Haha I sound like a wannabe-posh-something. Soz, amigos. It's just that my life is relatively uneventful, but I won't be able to make it in politics because I'm not a naturally likeable person and people would try to dig dirt and there are people who would dish it. I'm opinionated, I stand up for what I think is right, and it doesn't pacify people when I admit to a mistake. And because I'm a very awkward person, sometimes I forget to speak to set things straight, and I'm not charismatic so my faults aren't easily forgiven.

At least with writing...actually it's not that different from politics. Nothing is, really. You always have to make a good impression, defend your faults, flatter people when you need something from them (like employment).

I think part of my problem is that I want be great, and it's not something you can try to have. It's the same with popularity - people like you so much better when you are confident within yourself and you don't try to imitate or impress. Except I want greatness in the sense that I want to be perfect, I want to look in the mirror and see someone I like. But you can't try to be likeable or liked. It's just something that comes with becoming a better person, I guess. And that starts with forgiving faults in others and showing mercy to those who can't or won't help you. Not that this is easy. Who doesn't want to stand up to a bully, or payback someone who brings you down and gets under your skin? But you can't get people to learn through brute force or selling out in order to fit in with them. Because then you're just a wannabe, and you've established their hold over you.

I'm not trying to preach, I just want to organise my thoughts so I can start applying some of what I learn. And I'd like to chronicle what I learn, just so when I look back on my life I'll know it wasn't wasted.

Exams soon. Hope they go ok. Insha'allah they will.

Peace and love,

S.

Studying. Really.

Observe the procrastinator in her natural habitat. You will notice that she is fully prepared for any attack - all work related windows are up, notes are out - she has the experience of several seasons in the same area.

She wanders around a bit, but is mainly content with staring into outerspace. Or even at a blank computer screen.

Ah, yes, the pins and needles have come on. Great excuse to take a walk around the library, perhaps amuse herself with the snippets of other peoples' conversations about mechanics and whatnot.

But the pastime of choice, is, no doubt, reading the news. This alleviates the guilt that would otherwise be felt if playing, for example, bejeweled blitz on facebook, while also making her feel as if she is not procrastinating at all - politics are important in any career path. And indeed, they are.

But not as important as doing the work required.

I am the three awes (after a fashion).

1. I am awful - sometimes I have really bad thoughts - I don't like people and their flaws annoy me.

2. I am awkward - I don't know what to do with myself. My posture is awkward, something confident but totally not - basically confused. I walk into things, drop stuff, say things that don't make sense.

3. I am awesome - inspite of everything, I'm not so bad. At least I'm not as tactless as some, and I hate embarrassing people/making them feel awkward, regardless of how much/little I like them. Plus, I have some really cool ideas (sometimes).

For want of a better word, WhenandHow?

Life seemed so much more promising back in high school. I genuinely thought I had a chance at getting into Oxford/Cambridge/Edinburgh/etc.. I actually thought I'd find a way, that things would work out, that I'd make something of my life.

Now...I don't know.

I'm at the end of my Science degree. I've been talking to heaps of people from different labs, asking about honours and research and stuff. They all get really excited and then they find out my average is a measly 69-point-something. I have this semester to fix it a bit, but it's a little too late. It doesn't make a difference how much I've had to deal with, with the commuting and family and health stuff.

Pretty much feel like breaking down and crying every time I think about this stuff.

I know things will work out eventually, and yes I'm learning to be a nicer person in the process, but I feel so insecure about the future. I don't know what to do next. I like having solid plans, with a fairly solid back-up plan, and a dreamy secondary back-up plan. And now I have no idea. Do I apply for another course? Do I start applying for jobs in retail?

I don't know what I want out of life, except that I want my life to mean something. I want to learn everything there is to learn. I want to be able to figure things out. There's got to be more to life than what someone else thinks of you, either in a social or academic or professional context. Is success really measured by what someone with a fancy title thinks of you and your work?

I know I'll look back on this and think, you know what, I'm glad it happened because I learned heaps. I learned to be a bit nicer, to think a little more about the world around me, a little more patience. But right now? It's hard.

On a brighter note, I have started reading books by Alexander McCall Smith. The Corduroy Mansions books were ok, but the 'Number 1 Ladies' Detective Agency' series are something special. You should look into them.

Peace and love,

S.

Impressions and maybe a change?

Haha accidentally swore in lab yesterday because I thought I'd pippetted the wrong amount of something. Woops. Clearly not going to be picked to do my honours there! Ah well. Also, who knew your second year marks count when applying for a PhD? Need a change of plans. Should have stuck with journalism and politics. Or maybe I could go into presenting for PlaySchool? Or doing the voices for cartoon characters?

Seriously. What. Am. I. Going. To. Do?! I've only got the 6 weeks or so of this semester to get good grades. Not that it will help massively, but still. Maybe I should whine heaps about the 4-5 hours of commuting I do daily. And then break down because of stress problems.

Life would be so much easier if I could just go to a nice rehab place and just learn how to live. This is going to sound terrible, but when I was younger (high school) I wished there was some way I could break down/get really sick/SOMETHING so that I'd be able to go crazy and let loose, and then go to rehab.

Ahahaha I was a silly kid. My sister had an asthma puffer (she'd gotten pneumonia) and I remember praying for God to give me asthma so I could have a puffer, too. I was about 7 or 8, I think. Clearly I was not right in the region between the ears.

Wait, that implies that my face wasn't right. It was. I dare say my face was awesome. I meant the brainy bit may have been a little twisted.

I will probably end up as teacher. Exactly what I never wanted to be, but will end up being. I could handle primary school, and maybe even some year levels at high school, but I remember the attitude some classmates used to give to teachers...and I don't think I could deal with that. Plus it's easy enough to teach a kid how to read and write, basic maths, the water cycle, volcanoes, whatever. But Physics? High Level Chem? Don't know if I want to be responsible for some one else's downfall as well. Don't think I could ever forgive myself for messing up someone's chances. I've had too many not-so-great teachers to think nothing of inflicting myself on others.

God give me patience. Really not much to be done but to wait.

Peace and love,

S.

Lime cordial and loyalty.

So, it has been a while. A belated Ramadan Kareem to those of you who are so inclined.

I always have heaps of stuff to blog about, but then I forget, and by the time I remember I've either calmed down or forgotten what it was that I wanted to say.

I find it a little hard to deal with competitive people. And mean people. Especially when they pass it off as being funny or whatever, and then people think you're awful for thinking like that. The fact of the matter is, that I am a great deal more perceptive than the average person. And also a little paranoid, but that just heightens my awareness. Yes, I am prone to missing the big things sometimes, but life and everything in it is about the little things. The little comments a friend makes with a smile on their face that isn't real. The way people run to you when they need something, but run away when you need something. The way they greet you depending on who they, and you, are with. Loyalty does not play a major part in these peoples' lives.

Anyway, the point is, that being nice to people you know you don't really want to be around can be a bit of a trial. I always tell myself not to be judgmental, and that first impressions are wrong (they're not, by the way, for the most part), not to be mean and so on. So I end up putting up with things for ages, until it gets to the point where I want to punch holes in walls and break shatterable vases. And then I'm labelled as being judgmental, anti-social, whatever. Part of the problem is that I'm always so eager to please and make new friends.

On the other hand, the world is full of awesomeness. The people you can't help loving, the ones who make you laugh till you cry, the ones who care about more than their own little worlds, the ones who put a smile on your face the moment you see or even think about them. The ones who go out of their way to help anyone and everyone, stick up for whoever it is being picked on. Unlike the 'friends' who will stand by when you're being picked on, these ones stand up for you, make you feel better, even with just a pat on the arm. They are the ones who make you wish you could either adopt them or be adopted by them, so you spend all your time around them. They make you want to be a better person. More than that, they make you feel like you ARE a better person.

These sort of people are awesome in the some way that lime cordial makes your day better. In the same way that watching the sun rise on your own makes you feel like the world is at your feet. Sitting in your room at home, listening to the sounds of the rest of the house and world, it gives you a quiet sense of inner peace, and being around these awesome people is the same.

If awful things, meeting awful people included, are meant to happen, they will happen regardless of whether you laugh or cry. So you may as well make life a bit easier for yourself and laugh. That's why I laugh hysterically when I'm nervous (coping mechanism). If I'm going to fail an exam, at least I don't feel as terrible as I otherwise might.

And another thing - everything comes to pass. A bad situation will end, given time, and so will a good one. Life keeps moving.

I'm not implying that I'm perfect. In fact, I am boldly stating that I am, and I know you agree.

I come across as a little stupid, I think.

People are happy to copy my work, have me feed them all of the answers, sit with them for ages explaining things they don't understand, but heaven forbid I do well, much more score a single mark higher than them. People can be very petty, when it comes to things like that. They forget I was the one taking notes all semester, asking questions, and so on.

'Hi, I'm X and I'm a people-person, and therefore completely tactless, because that's what a people-person is like. I miss all the obvious and subtle hints, because I'm very perceptive and super-intelligent, qualities which have obviously been enhanced by my experiences. Clearly, I am a truly wonderful person.'

'Hi, I'm Y and I'm really smart but also really humble. You will not meet a more self-absorbed person than myself, and that's okay because I am so very humble. I like to go around picking on people whom I believe to be all 'me me me', because that sort of behaviour is unacceptable.'

'Hi, I'm Z and I'm the funniest and most interesting person on the planet. Every word out of my mouth will leave you in awe. Every letter I enunciate will have you in stitches, because I'm that hilarious. I know you're interested in each of my pathetic attempts to hold on to your attention, so I'll give you a detail of exactly how I was sleeping and the position of my head relative to my left thumb, when I woke up suddenly this morning to the sound of my alarm. It was so interesting and funny.'

Shut up.

Life takes time.

I think I might die young.

You know when you try to picture yourself in a few years time, few decades etc., and it's really difficult? I think that bit is normal. The other part is where I can't see myself changing or maturing any more. The way I think and see the world hasn't really changed since I was a kid, and can I really be the same when I'm thirty or forty? I'd be too...perky? Young? Naive? Not quite sure how to put it, but I'm not really adult, and it's not because I'm irresponsible or incapable of doing things on my own.

It's kind of a scary thought. I can't react the same way to things when I'm middle-aged as I do now, but I don't know if I can change. It's one thing to go from 10 to 20 and not change a huge amount, because even at 20, you're still considered young and are just getting a grip on the real world. But what happens if I'm, say, thirty-five, and I get really stressed and break down crying? Is that really acceptable from someone so old?

I don't really know. I suppose I could be a hermit and therefore avoid social norms and expectations. It's probably easier to accept a weirdo who keeps to their self than it is to accept someone who is too perky for their age.

Just a thought...

Do you ever wonder if bees fly upside down? Just for the fun of it?
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Keeping company.

There is no feeling in life worse than feeling alone.

Every problem in life is so much easier when you have someone. They don't have to go through it with you, or know what's going on, but just be there.