Here it is.

Here's a pebble
On the beach,
Here's a dream
Just out of reach.


Here's a ladder
Against a wall,
Here's a hand
For you to hold.


Here's a way
A path to take,
Here's the courage
To fix the mistake.


Here's a rhyme
To get you through,
Here's a pebble 
To remind you,
Rocks and mountains
Mountains and sand,
You hold the beginning and the end
In your hand.

S.

The floodgates have opened.

I just had my first little cry of the year in the ladies' room. No, don't feel sorry for me, I really needed it.

The day started with me forgetting my laptop cord and having to run home after the lab meeting to get it. The meeting itself was okay, with a 20-something year old PhD student producing a hanky (I didn't think people under 40 used them), and the supervisor giving us an impromptu impression of the Scarlett Pimpernel. The supervisor also pointed out that the importance of age just isn't coming through in my lit review - I spent all weekend and Monday working on fixing this up, but obviously to no avail.

And that awful person made some awful comments, which usually just makes me laugh, but today is not a good day. I can't deal with bullying when I'm already stressed out.

Thus, I have compiled a guide on crying in an inconspicuous manner in public/around people. It is as follows:

1. Don't sob or scrunch up your face. It will cause said face to go red and puffy, which will in turn alert those around you to your predicament (if the noise hasn't already).


2. Just let the tears flow, don't keep wiping your eyes - just dab lightly when you've run out of liquids to leak. Again, this avoids redness and wasting time waiting for it to settle down. 


3. Cold water will do wonders both for your feelings and your face.


4. When you are ready to emerge from the ladies' room, pretend to be blowing your nose, and if anyone asks, it's hay-fever - this will account for both red, runny eyes, a red nose, and general grumpiness/sad-looking face.


5. Following the incident, smile and laugh as much as possible, to avoid suspicion. Practise smiling in the ladies' room beforehand to get your face used to the motions.


Hope it helps! And know that at least I will always love you.


Peace and love,


S.

That dripping, bittersweet sadness.

There are times in your life when you feel sad. I have recently come to find that positive thinking does help with this. As does thinking about God. It's weird, I didn't think it would, but it gives you an uplifting feeling, when you think about how awesome you want to be and all the beauty in the world, and this calm, serene feeling descends over you. You realise that there is a bigger picture than just what you're worrying about now. Knowing that it's just another test or life experience makes it almost enjoyable, so you don't take things to heart too much.


I used to be incredibly happy sometimes, and wonder why it was that I felt so happy, and try to think of reasons as to why I shouldn't be so happy. I thought I was being realistic, but obviously I was just being depressing. Why not just embrace all of the joy and happiness you feel, for any/lack of any reason? That's not to say we can't just be sad, if that's what we feel like being. But why not be happy on as many occasions as possible?

The other day I was sitting out on the balcony with a two of the other Honour's girls. The third person, to whom I have referred in a couple of previous posts (the fascist) also joined us, but ignored me. We were talking about my hair (I wear a hijab, so they were curious) and said fascist piped up with a comment about the burqa and how scary it is, followed by a comment on how a couple of people have tried to commit robberies in them. The other girls had no idea how to respond, I just felt like laughing. This person is so incredibly rude, not to mention stupid.

I'm pretty sure more people have committed crimes with their faces obscured by stockings or hoodies or balaclavas or sunglasses. Are these all symbols of scariness as well? I don't look at a pair of women's tights and think 'Oh, no, crimes have been committed in these they should all be banned, and anyone wearing anything remotely resembling tights or stockings must be attacked'. Seriously, some people are SO stupid. 

We have decided that this person is going to provide solid entertainment throughout what would otherwise be a fairly stressful year. The other day there was a death at a railway crossing, and said person said "Oh, no, what an idiot, they've messed up all traffic!" 


WHAT. ON. EARTH. 


The subsequent attempts to justify this by saying that "It would be understandable if it was at a small countryside crossing with no boom-gates, etc" did nothing but make us laugh even further. You can only laugh in the face of such cold-hearted callousness. I am very pleased with myself, for not having said anything to this person on this occasion, although it would have been a great point to solidify this person's Nazi-like qualities. 


Still, the world is full of wonderful people and things. Like Betty Crocker ready-to-spread frosting. Yum. Also, I'd like to host 'Never Mind the Buzzcocks'. Noel Fielding is such an interesting character.

Peace and love,

S.

A Never Naught Song - By Robert Frost

There was never naught,
There was always thought.
But when noticed first
It was fairly burst
Into having weight.
It was in a state
Of atomic One.
Matter was begun -
And in fact complete,
One and yet discree
To conflict and pair.
Everything was there,
Every single thing
Waiting was to bring,
Clear from hydrogen
All the way to men.
It is all the tree
It will ever be,
Bole and Branch and root
Cunningly minute.
And this ist of all
Is so infra-small
As to blind our eyes
To its every guise
And so render nil
The whole Yggdrasill.
Out of coming-in
Into having been!
So the picture’s caught
Almost next to naught
But the force of thought.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BLOG. (Because I'm too cowardly to say it to their face. Plus they'd maul me.)

Sometimes I point out the flaws in our society, and people get really defensive, and I know it's because I'm Muslim and they think I'm attacking them, when in fact I'm just stating a truth.


For example, Australia is full of wonderful people and places, and I really do believe that multiculturalism works for the most part. But the parts that don't - people just like to ignore those bits, and get really defensive when you say "Well actually, there is still racism in the streets". Like they have to rush to make sure you know that that's just from a minority of people, and that you are welcome in this country - and in the process make you feel like an outsider.


Why do people always think I'm stupid enough to judge a whole population based on a few morons? I'm always going on about how Muslims are misjudged in this way, don't you think it would be a little hypocritical for me to do the same to others? I don't need people to tell me that 'most Australians are tolerant and welcoming' - I know  they are because believe it or not, I AM ONE OF THEM. 

There is no need to try and explain a culture to me when I know it inside out. Don't patronize me with your defensive 'I accept you and so do many others'. I'm not after your acceptance, I'm pointing out the hypocrisy because someone has to. Instead of jumping down my throat, may be you should jump down the throats of the people who come up with the propaganda bullsh*t. 

Most of my closest friends are anglos, and Christian/atheists at that. I don't have a problem with them, HENCE WHY I AM FRIENDS WITH THEM. When I point out that Australia is in fact not secular because Christian holidays are the only ones that are national public holidays, I don't need to be told that this is because most people identify themselves as Christian. The point I am clearly making is that we are obviously not as secular as some people like to think.

What is with people who are happy to listen to your views as long as they agree with theirs, but scratch like feral cats if you disagree? "Hi, I'm not racists because I laugh at everyone, but don't you dare laugh at me." A few weeks ago someone said that they wanted their kids to have anglo surnames so that they can have ethnic first names but won't be called un-Australian for it. What on earth??? Since when were anglos the only Australians??? And since when did a name change the way people judge you, once they've made up their mind about you? 


Peace and love,


S.

Conflict.

Sometimes I seek anonymity. At the same time, I don't value passiveness. I don't agree with everyone around me, but I don't want to stand out. I love walking around in crowded shopping centres where people won't stare at me because I'm Muslim.


As much as I like my own name, I wish I had a more ordinary name, so I could blend in, be an unknown, with no unwanted attention. The thought of my name coming up and EVERYONE knowing straight away that it's me - regardless of the situation - bothers me. Back in my youth I used to regularly visit Harry Potter forums online, and my user name was my first name. When you google my name, all of those posts come up. I don't have a problem with anything I've written, but I don't want it to be so easy to stalk me or to know me.

I guess I like to think I'm complicated and people don't understand - well, everyone feels like that. Everyone wants to feel special and important. But I don't want to stand out so much. The pressure of always having to be the person everyone thinks you are, the way people think everything you think and do is a reflection of the religious/cultural group to which you belong...It gets too much. I feel like a politician trying really hard to get peoples' votes. Kind of reminds me of Tony Blair/Tony Abbott, with the whole trying so hard to seem perfect but clearly not. Why can't I be a grump not have to worry about the whole Muslim population being judged by my demeanor? 

This took a very depressing turn. Soz. One last thing. Petty, immature passiveness is incredibly funny. The incident to which I referred in the last post hasn't blown over, not by a mile. The silent treatment, blocked on facebook, going around trying to recruit the other girls instead of taking responsibility and talking about it like an adult - it's all really hilarious :D. I thought I was passive-aggressive, but have now realised I am fully capable of expressing myself. Thank GOD.

Peace and love.

S.

Oh, no you did NOT...

Like many people before me, I sometimes say things that leave me wishing I could slow down time and retract the words before they reach anyone's ears. Sometimes, though, you need to say whatever it is.

Recently a couple of people in our department were discussing the right to plead insanity in criminal cases, and one of them was of the opinion that the whole notion of pleading insanity is invalid and should be abolished. Fair point, where exactly do you draw the line? Is everyone who commits atrocities insane, and therefore excusable? 


But then this person went on to say that people with mental illnesses and those prone to fits of rage should be excluded from society and locked up, not even allowed for a walk in the park. This immediately made me think of Nazi Germany, where people were locked up and used in horrific experiments just because they were ill, twins, of a certain ethnicity, basically just not 'normal'. Of course I pointed out to this person that what they were saying was beginning to sound like said Nazi Germany policies, to which the person in question snapped.

I should point out that this person is in fact Jewish and very defensive - which is fine, whatever. But I think they thought I was suggesting they were Nazis or something? Another point of interest would be that not long ago the issue of national identity came up and the conversation came around to being rejected as an Australian because of religion (I'm Muslim), and this person was like, 'Yeah but that's just for the minority of people, it's not like all Muslims are terrorists, 90% are normal, only a minority have anything wrong with them, like only 2% of Muslims.'

Oh. Snap. 

Anyway the point is this person was offended that I pointed out that their suggestions for dealing with ill people is reminiscent of Nazi policy and maybe they should be careful of what they say. And of course this person did the easiest thing and discussed their problem. Not. The whole thing seems a lot worse because I'm Muslim and this person is Jewish. I don't understand why I can't say something and be judged because of what I've said, not because I'm Muslim and I've said it. And which part of what I said was wrong? Is it wrong to disagree with someone because they've said something tactless?

Fact of the matter is, I am not equipped to deal with headstrong people, given that I'm very opinionated myself. A nicer person could have dealt with it better, but again, I'm not quite there yet. Wonder how long it'll take to blow over?

Peace and love,

S.

So are we talking about race or religion?

How exactly are Islam and democracy incompatible? The only way you can deal with oppression and ignorance is through education, not fear-mongering and threats on both sides. The Qur'an specifically states "made you into nations and tribes, that you may know each other" (Quran 49:13).

Kudos to Samah Hadid!! Why isn't her story getting more attention?

http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8225812

Is it because I'm ethnic?

Yes, yes it is.

Take, for example, issues of grammar or vocabulary in the English language. Anything I suggest is made redundant because I'm clearly not of anglo-celtic origin. Not that people every actually SAY as much. But you know when native English speakers think they know more than you because that's where they've always put the comma and it wouldn't make sense any other way? As lovely as these people are, I know the fact that English was the fourth language I learned (not that I remember most of language 2 or any at all of language 3) must mean I don't quite understand it.


It makes one want to bring in my IB scores and shove it in their face. Languages are my thing, and they should be ashamed of themselves for not knowing simple rules of grammar, not ignoring what I say just because I have a piece of cloth on my head. And the whole 'well MS Word spell-check is so unreliable, it picks up things that aren't wrong' thing? JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND DOESN'T MEAN IT'S WRONG.


Ugh, when they try to give advice on how to structure a sentence or the meaning of that one word you haven't come across before...Never mind that they're vocab is limited to the range of an 11 year old, or that they got through high school not knowing how to reference an article.


And then there are people who are like 'Oh, I don't care for this political correctness business, I wouldn't be offended if you said something like that to me' but then roar when you do. Let me hasten to point out that these people are not all anglo-celtic themselves, which should detract from the annoyance, but somehow doesn't. Probably because they are just very irritating and self-righteous in all of the wrong ways. In general I like to stay silent and not say anything at all, but sometimes the temptation to snap is too alluring. God give me patience, now that I'm out in the real world and don't have a choice as to whom I am around all day. 


Peace and love,


S.

One, two, WHALE!!

I don't really know what I want from life.

Well, I do, but there are so many things. Then again, I don't know what. Part of me just wants to be left alone so I can read the paper, but can you do this forever, without getting lonely or bored?


I spent a good portion of my single-digit years in tears due to boredom. Then I discovered books - like, PROPERLY discovered them, and that kept me happy for a while. I can't sit still long enough to read now, plus I get through books and then I'm left wondering what to do next. 


Being bored also depresses me. I stumble instead of bounce when I walk. I know it's not normal to bounce when you walk, but I can't help it when I'm happy. Today was not one of these days - not because anything happened, more that NOTHING happened and I'm bored and a bit lonely and heaps tired and massively BORED and a bit stressed. Having conclusively convinced everyone of my incapacity to function as an intelligent person, I don't really know what else to do with myself all day. Sitting around reading and summarising articles for hours on end is doing my head in.


POSITIVE THINKING, I have found, does help if you can get into the right frame of mind, but not if you just keep telling yourself to think positive but can't think at all, let alone about positive things.

Still, nothing to be done but to think happy thoughts. 

Peace and love,

S.

A day in the life of...

So I've been back at uni (Honours) for nearly a month, now. I'm not convinced I've made any great leaps and bounds, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. I have successfully proven to my supervisors and peers that I am a total idiot, so at least there's no pressure to perform well, now.

I have come up with a new Olympic sport. I call it Synchronised Sitting, and it is very much like synchronised diving, except you aim to sit on a chair/stool/futon/sofa/floor in time with your teammate(s). I think it will catch on. I was inspired whilst watching an episode of Mock the Week on youtube, whereby the camera showed the three members of one team getting back into their seats after a stand-up round. Quite the entertaining show, I must say. As are the Frank Skinner group on Absolute podcasts. I can only listen to these in bed, in case I burst out laughing. I'm not keen on convincing my workmates that I'm insane as well as slow.

I have decided that I need to be more proactive. Actually I've been thinking this for a while now, just haven't had the time to post it. It feels more real when it's written/typed, like it's a record of what has to happen now.

Finding something to wear every day has been a hassle, I must say. It's been okay so far, I guess because I don't have to get up really early or stay really late. But I know that in a few weeks time I'm going to be back at my routine involving a few sets of clothes that I just wear in a cyclical fashion. I hope you understand that by this I mean that I forget I have any other clothes apart from a couple of hoodies, two pairs of jeans, and runners. And a black scarf. Maybe red it I don't have time to iron the black ones.

I recently finished reading 'Lord Sunday' by Garth Nix, last in the series. Had a sort of sad poignant ending I didn't really like. It's a children's book, it needs to be HAPPY! It also ended a little to abruptly, not a lot of explaining. But still, Nix is an awesome writer.

I think I need a desk. Once I sit down on the floor, I really can't be bothered getting for anything. I'm not really sure as to how I should deal with this lethargy. It's almost like I'm tired of being alive. I am convinced I reached middle age when I was 14, at which point I had the ensuing mid-life crisis - I still haven't dealt with this existential crisis-like dilemma. This can't be good. And now I feel like I'm weary in my bones.

Ah, well. Tomorrow is a new day.

Peace and love,

S.

Study more, dream less.

If I could marry a tv show it would be 'Glee'.

If I could marry a band it would probably be Blink 182.

If I could marry a voice it would be Tom DeLong's.

If I could marry a person, it would be me.

If I could marry a time, it would be my youth.

If I could marry a book, it would be my unwritten autobiography.

If I could marry a feeling it would be happiness.

If I could marry a fruit it would be pomegranate.

If I could marry a smell it would be fresh rain.

If I could marry an activity it would be dreaming. No, sleeping. No, eating. No, being awesome.

I suffer from a disease called...

Boredom.

It's insane. I can't enjoy holidays or free time because I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not exactly sure how to function like a normal person. Books don't do it for me in the long run - I get restless and bored.

I can't just watch tv/movies without getting bored. I have to constantly be bombarded with stimuli.

HEADACHE, you say? Yeah, baby. Not even ibuprofen helps get rid of it.

Online games, baking, art, reorganising the bookshelf ... all lost on me, with the aid of carpal tunnel, pins and needles, general lethargy and BOREDOM.

Of course, there's also this thing with being unable to relax or just stay relaxed when I do get to that stage. ARGH.

Did ask the maternal if I could just take some sort of muscle relaxant, but she said they're addictive. Plus I'd always be afraid of losing control of all muscular components, i.e. bladder. Eurgh.

Five days until uni starts again. Wooh for Honours! Except I haven't started any research or reading AT ALL yet, and ok, the supervisor said that'd be okay too. But still. I bet I'm the only one who turns up with a carte blanche. And I'm pretty sure most of the others worked at their labs all summer, anyway.

Also, this no-carbs business is killing me. I NEED SOLID FOOD. NOW. It had better be worth it.

Anway.

Peace and love,

S.

Progress.

Either there is something wrong with me for noticing, or there's something wrong with everyone else for not noticing. And everyone else seems happy, so I'm thinking more and more that there's something wrong with me. Not really sure what to do about it.

The first few days of the new year have yielded a fair few inspired moments/profound thoughts. I was looking up universities in the UK, and yeah going over there has been on my list since I was like 11, when I heard my cousin wanted to go to Oxford and I started looking into it as well plus all of my favourite authors and shows were British, but it was always a far away thing, something not to worry about till I finished school. Then it was too late and I didn't have the marks. And I haven't had money in forever, as well, but it was never so urgent.

In the last few days, however, I have realised I will actually have to stand up and do something. Over the last few years I have experienced the convenience of just picking up the phone and calling someone, or emailing them, to find out about things. It seemed like such an effort, but doesn't seem so bad anymore. So this will help in my quest, I'm sure. I finally have a resume, and have been applying for jobs all summer, but it has been fruitless. Argh.

So, point being, it has CLICKED that I have to get a move on and not just dream. I am beginning to suspect that the detachedness has been somewhat aided by the various medications I've had to take. Propanolol, anyone?

Also, heard back from the Science office, have been enrolled in Honours, so no harm done. Woop woop.

Moreover, over the past few days a number of incidents have made me want to go ballistic and yell at the top of my lungs like a deranged Tarzan on speed. And I have, for the most part, resisted (except for the whole marital thingamejig with the maternal, where I sobbed hysterically). Self-control, woop woop.

Peace and love,

S.

Another year...

Today is my last day of being 20 years old. Two decades. That's AGES but I don't feel as old as I should. But I guess I do act a lot older, sometimes. In the close-to-middle-age kind of way.

Anyway. The year has been quite an eventful one. Last year of my degree. Finally started getting good marks. Pracs were awesome. Talked to lots of people about Honours. Finally moved closer to uni. The whole 'think positive' thing finally clicked. Got an Honours offer. Missed the enrollment date, so probably won't be able to do it in 2011, lol. The maternal wants me to marry the son of some family friend of hers (NO WAY IN THE KNOWN AND UNKNOWN UNIVERSE). Finally opened my tin bank which my uncle had bought for each of us back when I was 6. Didn't put anything into it for years, then in the last year or so put a lot of effort (i.e. change) into it. It yield at worthy $328, minus about $40 for all of the 'special' money (special edition coins, overseas money, 1 and 2 cent coins from here in Aus).

Made friends, lots touch with others, met people, stressed heaps, learned lots. Suppose that's really the only thing you can ask for in life, that you'll be busy and learn from it all.

I don't really celebrate birthdays, have never really thought of them as special. Age is just another thing you can't help, really. But now I've decided to use any excuse to celebrate life and hang out with awesome people, so I guess I can use birthdays as another chance to be extra-happy.

Like always, the year has flown by, so there's not much more I can really say, hey? But I survived and enjoyed (most of) it. Should get started on some baking now.

Peace and love,

-S.