A day in the life of...

So I've been back at uni (Honours) for nearly a month, now. I'm not convinced I've made any great leaps and bounds, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. I have successfully proven to my supervisors and peers that I am a total idiot, so at least there's no pressure to perform well, now.

I have come up with a new Olympic sport. I call it Synchronised Sitting, and it is very much like synchronised diving, except you aim to sit on a chair/stool/futon/sofa/floor in time with your teammate(s). I think it will catch on. I was inspired whilst watching an episode of Mock the Week on youtube, whereby the camera showed the three members of one team getting back into their seats after a stand-up round. Quite the entertaining show, I must say. As are the Frank Skinner group on Absolute podcasts. I can only listen to these in bed, in case I burst out laughing. I'm not keen on convincing my workmates that I'm insane as well as slow.

I have decided that I need to be more proactive. Actually I've been thinking this for a while now, just haven't had the time to post it. It feels more real when it's written/typed, like it's a record of what has to happen now.

Finding something to wear every day has been a hassle, I must say. It's been okay so far, I guess because I don't have to get up really early or stay really late. But I know that in a few weeks time I'm going to be back at my routine involving a few sets of clothes that I just wear in a cyclical fashion. I hope you understand that by this I mean that I forget I have any other clothes apart from a couple of hoodies, two pairs of jeans, and runners. And a black scarf. Maybe red it I don't have time to iron the black ones.

I recently finished reading 'Lord Sunday' by Garth Nix, last in the series. Had a sort of sad poignant ending I didn't really like. It's a children's book, it needs to be HAPPY! It also ended a little to abruptly, not a lot of explaining. But still, Nix is an awesome writer.

I think I need a desk. Once I sit down on the floor, I really can't be bothered getting for anything. I'm not really sure as to how I should deal with this lethargy. It's almost like I'm tired of being alive. I am convinced I reached middle age when I was 14, at which point I had the ensuing mid-life crisis - I still haven't dealt with this existential crisis-like dilemma. This can't be good. And now I feel like I'm weary in my bones.

Ah, well. Tomorrow is a new day.

Peace and love,

S.

Study more, dream less.

If I could marry a tv show it would be 'Glee'.

If I could marry a band it would probably be Blink 182.

If I could marry a voice it would be Tom DeLong's.

If I could marry a person, it would be me.

If I could marry a time, it would be my youth.

If I could marry a book, it would be my unwritten autobiography.

If I could marry a feeling it would be happiness.

If I could marry a fruit it would be pomegranate.

If I could marry a smell it would be fresh rain.

If I could marry an activity it would be dreaming. No, sleeping. No, eating. No, being awesome.

I suffer from a disease called...

Boredom.

It's insane. I can't enjoy holidays or free time because I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not exactly sure how to function like a normal person. Books don't do it for me in the long run - I get restless and bored.

I can't just watch tv/movies without getting bored. I have to constantly be bombarded with stimuli.

HEADACHE, you say? Yeah, baby. Not even ibuprofen helps get rid of it.

Online games, baking, art, reorganising the bookshelf ... all lost on me, with the aid of carpal tunnel, pins and needles, general lethargy and BOREDOM.

Of course, there's also this thing with being unable to relax or just stay relaxed when I do get to that stage. ARGH.

Did ask the maternal if I could just take some sort of muscle relaxant, but she said they're addictive. Plus I'd always be afraid of losing control of all muscular components, i.e. bladder. Eurgh.

Five days until uni starts again. Wooh for Honours! Except I haven't started any research or reading AT ALL yet, and ok, the supervisor said that'd be okay too. But still. I bet I'm the only one who turns up with a carte blanche. And I'm pretty sure most of the others worked at their labs all summer, anyway.

Also, this no-carbs business is killing me. I NEED SOLID FOOD. NOW. It had better be worth it.

Anway.

Peace and love,

S.

Progress.

Either there is something wrong with me for noticing, or there's something wrong with everyone else for not noticing. And everyone else seems happy, so I'm thinking more and more that there's something wrong with me. Not really sure what to do about it.

The first few days of the new year have yielded a fair few inspired moments/profound thoughts. I was looking up universities in the UK, and yeah going over there has been on my list since I was like 11, when I heard my cousin wanted to go to Oxford and I started looking into it as well plus all of my favourite authors and shows were British, but it was always a far away thing, something not to worry about till I finished school. Then it was too late and I didn't have the marks. And I haven't had money in forever, as well, but it was never so urgent.

In the last few days, however, I have realised I will actually have to stand up and do something. Over the last few years I have experienced the convenience of just picking up the phone and calling someone, or emailing them, to find out about things. It seemed like such an effort, but doesn't seem so bad anymore. So this will help in my quest, I'm sure. I finally have a resume, and have been applying for jobs all summer, but it has been fruitless. Argh.

So, point being, it has CLICKED that I have to get a move on and not just dream. I am beginning to suspect that the detachedness has been somewhat aided by the various medications I've had to take. Propanolol, anyone?

Also, heard back from the Science office, have been enrolled in Honours, so no harm done. Woop woop.

Moreover, over the past few days a number of incidents have made me want to go ballistic and yell at the top of my lungs like a deranged Tarzan on speed. And I have, for the most part, resisted (except for the whole marital thingamejig with the maternal, where I sobbed hysterically). Self-control, woop woop.

Peace and love,

S.

Another year...

Today is my last day of being 20 years old. Two decades. That's AGES but I don't feel as old as I should. But I guess I do act a lot older, sometimes. In the close-to-middle-age kind of way.

Anyway. The year has been quite an eventful one. Last year of my degree. Finally started getting good marks. Pracs were awesome. Talked to lots of people about Honours. Finally moved closer to uni. The whole 'think positive' thing finally clicked. Got an Honours offer. Missed the enrollment date, so probably won't be able to do it in 2011, lol. The maternal wants me to marry the son of some family friend of hers (NO WAY IN THE KNOWN AND UNKNOWN UNIVERSE). Finally opened my tin bank which my uncle had bought for each of us back when I was 6. Didn't put anything into it for years, then in the last year or so put a lot of effort (i.e. change) into it. It yield at worthy $328, minus about $40 for all of the 'special' money (special edition coins, overseas money, 1 and 2 cent coins from here in Aus).

Made friends, lots touch with others, met people, stressed heaps, learned lots. Suppose that's really the only thing you can ask for in life, that you'll be busy and learn from it all.

I don't really celebrate birthdays, have never really thought of them as special. Age is just another thing you can't help, really. But now I've decided to use any excuse to celebrate life and hang out with awesome people, so I guess I can use birthdays as another chance to be extra-happy.

Like always, the year has flown by, so there's not much more I can really say, hey? But I survived and enjoyed (most of) it. Should get started on some baking now.

Peace and love,

-S.

K is for Clever

I've had my furry little monster for so long I feel like it's exclusively mine, and anyone else who claims to have it pretentious and a fraud. Maybe because I struggled with it on my own, and they announce it publicly like it's the most incredible and devastating thing ever, that they have just a mild version of it. Maybe I don't want to be associated with these attention-seeking people. Maybe I don't want to share my ogre with anyone who I feel doesn't 'deserve' to be 'different'. That last one sounds odd. I mean I think it makes me feel a little special sometimes and I don't want to share this exclusive club with anyone else.

Also, what is with people who think it is impossible for anyone but them to come with a good idea or have a profound thought? Like they are the only ones permitted such achievements, and their ones are the only right ones?! Yes, I realised a truth about the world, fine you don't agree with it because it doesn't cast you in a pretty light/makes you realise you're a fraud and/or attention seeker/you're annoyed because you didn't come up with it first. GET OVER IT. And keep your rubbish to yourself, because I will not be you lapdog, and I will not put up with your rubbish.

And even more than that, people who say they're not into labels but then it's okay for them dish it out. And when they're like, 'Oh, I never judge, I'm not into judging or making judgments, but I'm right when I say this is wrong because I don't do it, that is wrong because I want to do it but can't, she's a something, he's a something else, I'll just classify all those people as that and boo-hoo I'm so misunderstood but note that I'm still right and judgement-free.'

And you know those people who tell you not to conform and to be original but the only way to do this is by doing everything they say, exactly the way they want? They really annoy me. It's okay for them to conform, because 'It's so hard, and not everyone can be as solid as you, you just don't know what it's like', which is code for 'I'm special, this makes me feel special, and you know what would make me feel even more special? If I tell you to make me feel special by trying to get you to worship me the way every one of those people who "peer pressure" me into conforming and doing all of those things do, but don't you dare try to get me do things your way, that is only for me to do to you'.

People. There are times when, I don't know, I wish I could get away from them all, move to the other end of the world and start afresh. But life doesn't work like that, I know.

Peace and love,

S.

Aspirations.

I would like to write a poem,

On all things great.

I would like to write an ode,

To the intricacies of fate.

Alas, I am no poet,

No great composer,

And though I dream all day

I know it's already over.

S.

I'm not eccentric...

...I'm just very bad at hiding all the weird things about me.

Okay, so I may be a little different, but that's because I realise that I try to please people and that I'm cowardly when it comes to expressing opinions that don't coincide with others, so I try to change that at every opportunity that I get.

That didn't make a lot of sense. What I mean is I have a people-pleasing complex, and I'm always seeking the approval of others. So when I realise that I have a chance to not do this, I take it.

Okay, that wasn't worded any better. Soz.

My third year of uni is over, and I still don't know what to do next. Sure, I have the grand dreams, but I don't know what the next step is in getting there. I'm thinking if I don't get into Honours (which is likely), I'd like to do an Arts degree, or Business/Commerce and Arts. The most successful people in the world tend to be ones who haven't finished uni, or even high school, but are successful because they have a brain for business and how the world works.

One of the reasons why I love science is because it tries to do what we all are trying to do with life - it tries to make sense of the seemingly chaotic universe, by figuring out pathways, giving things names, organising things into phyla and tables. And I think business does this, too. Well, okay actually everything you study is trying to organise things into a way that'll make it easier to understand, but science and business seem to extend to real life a bit more easily.

We'll see how it goes, in good time, I suppose. It's not easy waiting, though, is it?

Peace and love,

S.

More awesome stuff. It's so beautiful.

I can't sleep. So listen to this. It's pretty awesome.

I'm not sick...

...I am defective.

I can't control my own thoughts. My face isn't perfectly symmetrical. I'm under the average height for girls. Some times I have weird thoughts. I have trouble sleeping sometimes despite being tired and sleep-deprived. I feel the need to take naps because everything tires me out. I can't handle caffeine all that well. I'd be a rubbish hunter as I don't do stealth all that well. I would get bored with just gathering. On the plus side this would mean I would be leaning towards the lean side. I am a really weird mix of outgoing and introverted, making me unstable, I believe.

Transitions.

I've been talking to people about Honours all year (for which I am glad, even though things haven't been sorted out yet - at least I got a bit of practise talking to people about these things), and I have come to realise more and more that the people you work with are more important than the area in which you work.

At least, in terms of how much you enjoy your job on a day-to-day basis. I want to work with awesome people, in the hope that I will learn from them not just about the research, but everything that makes a person awesome. I know I can't be perfect, but I want to come close.

I used to think that I'd belong in Ravenclaw, because I really valued success and learning and I was a high achiever at the time. Lately though, I think more and more that I'd belong in Gryffindor. I think I value loyalty and people more than anything else. If you get a bad grade, you can get up and try again. But if a friend ditches you? It's awful, and you get all paranoid and mopey.

I have also noticed that Latvia and the USA come up on my stats for this blog. The US will inevitable come up, given the sheer number of people, and I blog about random things so just searching for a favourite author will ping off this site. But Latvia? That's a bit more usual. Unless the settings on someone's computer are for Latvia, or something.

I used to blog in high school, not really at the height of my teen-angst, which was about Year 9, but starting from Year 10. I used to get really emotional and carried away with what-ifs, it was all very dramatic. I hope I've mellowed out a bit now. At some point in my life I'd like to be taken seriously as a writer, and sounding like an immature brat or something will hinder these attempts.

Haha I sound like a wannabe-posh-something. Soz, amigos. It's just that my life is relatively uneventful, but I won't be able to make it in politics because I'm not a naturally likeable person and people would try to dig dirt and there are people who would dish it. I'm opinionated, I stand up for what I think is right, and it doesn't pacify people when I admit to a mistake. And because I'm a very awkward person, sometimes I forget to speak to set things straight, and I'm not charismatic so my faults aren't easily forgiven.

At least with writing...actually it's not that different from politics. Nothing is, really. You always have to make a good impression, defend your faults, flatter people when you need something from them (like employment).

I think part of my problem is that I want be great, and it's not something you can try to have. It's the same with popularity - people like you so much better when you are confident within yourself and you don't try to imitate or impress. Except I want greatness in the sense that I want to be perfect, I want to look in the mirror and see someone I like. But you can't try to be likeable or liked. It's just something that comes with becoming a better person, I guess. And that starts with forgiving faults in others and showing mercy to those who can't or won't help you. Not that this is easy. Who doesn't want to stand up to a bully, or payback someone who brings you down and gets under your skin? But you can't get people to learn through brute force or selling out in order to fit in with them. Because then you're just a wannabe, and you've established their hold over you.

I'm not trying to preach, I just want to organise my thoughts so I can start applying some of what I learn. And I'd like to chronicle what I learn, just so when I look back on my life I'll know it wasn't wasted.

Exams soon. Hope they go ok. Insha'allah they will.

Peace and love,

S.

Studying. Really.

Observe the procrastinator in her natural habitat. You will notice that she is fully prepared for any attack - all work related windows are up, notes are out - she has the experience of several seasons in the same area.

She wanders around a bit, but is mainly content with staring into outerspace. Or even at a blank computer screen.

Ah, yes, the pins and needles have come on. Great excuse to take a walk around the library, perhaps amuse herself with the snippets of other peoples' conversations about mechanics and whatnot.

But the pastime of choice, is, no doubt, reading the news. This alleviates the guilt that would otherwise be felt if playing, for example, bejeweled blitz on facebook, while also making her feel as if she is not procrastinating at all - politics are important in any career path. And indeed, they are.

But not as important as doing the work required.

I am the three awes (after a fashion).

1. I am awful - sometimes I have really bad thoughts - I don't like people and their flaws annoy me.

2. I am awkward - I don't know what to do with myself. My posture is awkward, something confident but totally not - basically confused. I walk into things, drop stuff, say things that don't make sense.

3. I am awesome - inspite of everything, I'm not so bad. At least I'm not as tactless as some, and I hate embarrassing people/making them feel awkward, regardless of how much/little I like them. Plus, I have some really cool ideas (sometimes).

For want of a better word, WhenandHow?

Life seemed so much more promising back in high school. I genuinely thought I had a chance at getting into Oxford/Cambridge/Edinburgh/etc.. I actually thought I'd find a way, that things would work out, that I'd make something of my life.

Now...I don't know.

I'm at the end of my Science degree. I've been talking to heaps of people from different labs, asking about honours and research and stuff. They all get really excited and then they find out my average is a measly 69-point-something. I have this semester to fix it a bit, but it's a little too late. It doesn't make a difference how much I've had to deal with, with the commuting and family and health stuff.

Pretty much feel like breaking down and crying every time I think about this stuff.

I know things will work out eventually, and yes I'm learning to be a nicer person in the process, but I feel so insecure about the future. I don't know what to do next. I like having solid plans, with a fairly solid back-up plan, and a dreamy secondary back-up plan. And now I have no idea. Do I apply for another course? Do I start applying for jobs in retail?

I don't know what I want out of life, except that I want my life to mean something. I want to learn everything there is to learn. I want to be able to figure things out. There's got to be more to life than what someone else thinks of you, either in a social or academic or professional context. Is success really measured by what someone with a fancy title thinks of you and your work?

I know I'll look back on this and think, you know what, I'm glad it happened because I learned heaps. I learned to be a bit nicer, to think a little more about the world around me, a little more patience. But right now? It's hard.

On a brighter note, I have started reading books by Alexander McCall Smith. The Corduroy Mansions books were ok, but the 'Number 1 Ladies' Detective Agency' series are something special. You should look into them.

Peace and love,

S.