I am new to the lab, and I'm also really clumsy (both in terms of personality and and actual actions). So you'd think anyone teaching me in the lab would be a little more forgiving, especially given how nice they are in general. But you know when people say little things - and it's not the things they say alone, it's also the tone they use - and it makes you feel like rubbish?
I keep forgetting that this person isn't that much older than me and therefore doesn't have the experience or whatever to baby me. But they're so nice! I can't help it if I'm not as smart as them! Anyway, this is just me being petty. I'm really glad I'm finally getting to do lab-work after two months of sitting at my laptop. I just wish that the little things people say didn't make me feel inadequate. For example, a certain program I need for the main part of my project doesn't run on my laptop. It's not like I haven't tried re-installing, rebooting etc. But the way this person said 'You need it to do the counting, you can't do anything without it' - the tone made me feel like it was my fault and I should I just give the whole thing up already.
The thing with some smart people is that they are so used to being praised and looked up to that when someone comes along and doesn't know all of this and just treats them like an equal, they can't really handle it. I don't mind being patronized every now and again, I love hearing people's stories and about their lives - but then it gets to the point where they're either just not interesting, or they think I'm going to sit there and worship them. This doesn't really have anything to do with anything or anyone. I think I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself because I don't have anyone to mollycoddle me. All of which is really strange given how I went on in a previous blog about not basing your happiness on anyone outside of yourself.
Peace and love,
S.
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