Something ad nauseum.

I had a dream I found two 4-leaf clovers. I have a lot of dreams. Don't really remember most of them.


I think I'm pretty happy, I like where I am in life, and I'm feeling positive about things. But being hungry/tired makes me grumpy so people think I'm being negative. And I don't have a back-up plan. And I keep on feeling like I'm stressed about something, but then I think about it and there's nothing actually bothering me. Therefore I am imagining this weird feeling. I have thus concluded I am slowly descending into insanity. Which is okay. It's just that weird stressed feeling that it isn't okay.

Quite a lot has happened around the world in the last few weeks. Weddings, killing the enemy...It's sort of weird how massive things are happening and it doesn't sink in. My life has been a little on the dull side, although I've finally started sort of working on my actual project for Honours. I get frustrated because I don't have a way of learning what I have to by myself. There's no protocol or anything to follow, I have to wait for the PhD student to teach me. He's lovely, but gets a little impatient when I don't remember things or get obvious things wrong. I don't really learn from that sort of thing. I need someone to tell me I'm doing well, so I can try harder to do even better. Although come to think of it, he probably doesn't mean anything in a negative way, I'm just overly sensitive (tired, hungry, a little worried about the future because I don't have a back-up plan, plus that weird stressed-out feeling).

LOL I started off with how happy I am at the moment and just descended into misery. See what I mean? I don't really have anything to be depressed about just yet (apart from my prospects, but still, it's ages till the end of the year), but I keep worrying about things. Might be missing my citalopram/propanolol. 

Today I spent just over 5 hours on Dotslide (microscope). It was good. Except time flies, and you can't take a break because you only have it for so many hours, and you're sitting there thinking, 'Why does everything look so fuzzy and why do I feel like crying?' and then you realise it's because you haven't eaten in forever, and you've been sitting in this dark room in a small cubicle for hours and hours without any interaction with another person. It's a bit depressing. I only really see people when I'm at uni, and if my whole day is spent in a cold dark room there's no one around to remind me that I'm human and have friends and whatever. I think I'm slowly becoming a little anti-social, without meaning to. After all that time at the microscope, when I'm around other people I sort of forget how to act or be or something. Again with the deterioration into madness. Ah well. 

Have you noticed how in life, the people who tell you not to worry and that there are so many options and paths you can take, etc are the really smart and successful ones who don't know what it's like to be on the other side? Easy for you to say to get a job as an RA at the end of the year. Do you realise how competitive that is? And it's because labs want people like you who are all smart and successful. Of course I know there are other ways of getting to where you want. I just also know that I am not likely to get there in any alternate reality. Why couldn't I have a really useful skill? Or any skill at all? So what if my career is in ruins, if I can go home and play sweet music on the piano? Or sing and make every word I say sound like golden honey?

Okay I can't really be bothered to continue with the whingeing. Not really in the right mood for thinking about depressing things. Point is I do wish I had a natural talent for something. Bedtime!


Peace and love,


S.