Given that I have not blogged in a while, and that I don't have anything productive to do at the moment (printer is sick), I will write down a conscious-stream-thingy.
The person involved in the Nazi-calling incident seems to have moved on from it. I am not being ignored, at least. A couple of weeks ago when our lit review was due everyone sort of pulled together and stressed together, and then splurged on Macca's afterwards. I think that may have been when the getting over it part started. It's been two weeks since then, and this person was quite civil today, joining in the conversation and all. I think I'm happy. After the Macca's binge I felt really guilty because even though I wasn't wrong in what I said, I could have phrased it better, and the subject is obviously a touchy one for this person. I should have been more forgiving on the whole. Most of the barbed attacks on their behalf were out of defensiveness, and it made me laugh, which is really all I could have done at the time. The week that I cried and got really upset over the whole thing wasn't really anything to do with this person - I was stressed and mopey because my lit review was crap. Anyway, none of this is interesting or profound, I'm just glad that things are getting a bit better.
I slept in this morning, burnt my scarf while trying to iron, didn't have time for breakfast, forgot my jacket and am now feeling incredibly abandoned because I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. But despite all of this, I don't feel like crying. It's weird how sometimes you just get on with life and you feel good. It's a pretty good feeling.
I am looking forward to the day I am financially independent. I want to stop making excuses for all of the things I don't do, all of the experiences and adventures I keep putting off. I want my dreams to be reality, and I want to make it happen now. I don't want to wait till I'm old and wracked with regret.
I caught up with a friend on Friday, and it was awesome. I felt so at peace, both within myself and with the world. Great friends - great people in general - are really hard to come by. I always feel like I have to think of everyone as being this awesome, but reality always crashes through and you realise that decent people are honest and don't pretend to be something different around different people. If you're going to let loose at every party you go to, don't sit next to me and tell me you're innocent and haven't done anything questionable in your life. You're giving all the veritably innocent people in the world a bad name. The point isn't that someone lets loose at a party, it's the lying about it afterwards. If you want to drink alcohol then fine, you can do whatever you like with your life. Just don't lie about it and then turn around and tell me not to conform.
I know I come across as a cold hard b*tch on the outside. I don't think I want to change that. I'm always looking for excuses for people, and I keep telling myself I can't be too quick to judge and that everyone has annoying little habits and all. Then a year later I'm ready to punch a hole in a wall and people label me as judgmental. I don't think they realise that being comfortable with expressing my opinions doesn't mean I tactless and purposely rude. Plus they think that they themselves are perfect. I am kind of tired of trying to look for the good in fairly rubbish people.
But I've learned that you can't let people bother you. Just laugh at their silliness, and don't let yourself get attached to idiots. Life goes on no matter what just happened, and that's a good thing. Life isn't awesome unless you think it is. Having money obviously helps you in this respect, I don't care what people say. The thing is that you need someone to share the money/things with to be properly happy. So I guess at the end of the day happiness is with the capacity to see good and love others. But it's still you. All of that sounds really contradictory. What I mean in that have what you need as well as the lovely stuff can make you happy. Having people you love in your life makes you feel properly good and happy on a long-term basis. But you can have both money and people you love and still be unhappy if you refuse to acknowledge all of the awesomeness in the world. So life can be awesome, but you have to recognise that it is so, as well.
Peace and love,
S.
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