Here is something I wrote on the 21st of July, 2011. Sounds more reasonable than I feel right now.

"Thus far in my Honours year, I have learned far more about politics than I have about science.

In the just over five months that I have been here, I have had the opportunity to observe people at each level of the food chain and the manner in which they communicate amongst themselves and with others of both higher and lower standing. Given that my supervisor is the Head of department, and my desk is away with all the other students, I have the perfect opportunity to see all of these interactions.

People are very good at covering up what they're really thinking. Sometimes it slips out in their tone or an escaped sigh, but they quickly cover it up and move on. You forget about the little slip up - until you see it happen with someone else, and you're the third party observer, and you think, "Yep, totally b*tching on the inside. As soon as this person leaves, they're going to b*tch on the outside as well." And you're right.

The scariest people are the ones who go really quite when they're angry, and are perfectly cheerful the next time you see them, even though there's no way they're over it. Of course, this is all part of professionalism - you have to remain as polite and friendly as you can at all times, and because we're all human, we have to let our guard down sometimes before it explodes out. But that doesn't detract from the infernal politics, the sheer meanness and the subtle lies to make themselves look good and simultaneously make you feel like rubbish. 

There's also a lot of obsequiousness, and looking down on people who are down the food chain, new, or just not a part of the same circle. As alluded to in a previous post, people only give the good news to others. No mention of immunos that didn't work, mistakes made, etc., even when there's a witness sitting next to them. Which is fair enough, everyone wants to look good in front of higher-uppers. But then they have the audacity to nit-pick at things in others, and expose all of their mistakes. It isn't very nice.

This place is by no means an awful one - there are a lot of awesome, happy people, and things run smoothly. But every now and again something little happens to remind you that politics is everywhere - and there's no escaping it, even in science. Why can't people mean what they say and say what they mean? Why can't people be open and honest about things, even if they're difficult to discuss? Of course you need diplomacy, but at what point does diplomacy blend into two-facedness? I guess part of it is that the same people in a fairly small space for most of the day - b*tching is bound to happen. It keeps people going, gives them something to talk about and distract them from the stresses of work. But then how to do you know you can trust someone? How can you tell that they won't stab you in the back, if their so good at lying (because high-grade diplomacy requires high-grade lying about what you think and feel)?

I think I am mostly depressed because I have worked on collecting this data all week, and it's rubbish. The Supervisor and both of the Other Ones don't think it's credible, and fair enough, they've been doing it for a lot longer than I have. But I'm doing exactly what they're telling me, and I don't know why my data is so different.   It's not like I don't spend ages agonizing over single cell - I spend all day straining my eyes trying to make sure everything is right, and they just make me feel like a moron."


Peace and love,


S.