More on Love, Happiness and Death.

Sometimes, I think marriage and relationships are for a certain sort of person, and I am not it. Some people like to be told that everything is going to be okay, and that they are wonderful. Of course that sort of thing is nice, but I'm not going to be unhappy without it. If I don't really believe something's going to be okay, someone else telling me so isn't going to reassure me. And I know I'm wonderful (jk, peeps, jk). 

I suppose this is somewhat confounded by the fact that the maternal regularly tells me I'm wonderful - so I guess you can't totally live without emotional/moral support from others. But you don't have to be in a relationship to get that sort of support. I think at the heart of it, I like to be far too independent. I want to be self-sufficient of and within myself, and that sort of attitude doesn't leave room for other people. 

Not that there's anything wrong with marriage and relationships - they are a beautiful example of human kindness and love. But is it bad that I don't see myself as being a part of something like that? Will it affect my happiness in the future? If you have unconditional love from your family and friends, do you really need it from anyone else? Am I missing out by not having this other source? I don't think so. Your partner can die at any moment, so there's no guarantee you'll be able to grow old together. 

And of course, there's no point in planning your life and happiness around something that might never happen.

Sometimes, I'm not at all fussed about dying, really. If I were to die now, I'd be dying on my quest for knowledge and perfection, and what better way is there to die? Apart from dying for someone you love or for the good of someone else - but that sort of ending is really bitter-sweet. 

I am by no means perfect - pretty far away, in fact. But I have a purpose and a goal, and dying before you reach your destination isn't bad - it's always the journey there that is most important (sorry about the cliché).

This post is a garbled argument with myself, I think. I'm really tired, the results section of my thesis is no nearer to completion, and I'm just really, really tired. 

Peace and love,

S.