My Book.

I have felt for quite some time that I should write down everything I know and think. I have been doing this, to some extent, in the various blogs and diaries I have had over the years. But I think it is now time to commit to a book. It will be a never-ending book, with a chapter coming out at a time. There will be no single point I'm trying to make - rather, it shall be a chronicle of my dynamic, ever-changing life, views and events. I may contradict myself or formulate very different views from chapter to chapter, and that's okay. 

A little while ago this awesome lady who is an active member of the community and also teaches at my uni, suggested I write a book entitled 'Lessons In Humility'. It seems to be a very fitting title. Back in high school another girl suggested I write a book called 'My Opinions'. This is also a very fitting name. I have been brainstorming and I think 'The Magnitude of My Awesomeness Knows No Bounds' is also befitting. Or I could use all three? I will also need chapter titles, although numbers would of course suffice. Suggestions welcome! 

That is all for now. Apart from this decision, I think life is pretty dandy. Ramadan Kareem to all of my fellow Muslims (and anyone else who would like to join in)! This month is going to be an awesome one. I can feel the panic creeping up (re: Honours, data, no time!), but for some reason I have felt very good over the last few days, Alhamdulillah. The cell counts are frustrating but sort of fun. Although I can feel the craziness creeping up on me. But that's okay.

Peace and love,

S.

And we start with a quote...

"I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those that makes things beautiful." -- Friedrich Nietzsche.

I think some part of me has come to realise that my goal in life isn't just the jobs and courses I want to get into, the places I want to go. My target is being in a perpetual state of awesomeness, and I think I'm well on track for this goal.

In fact, one could argue that I am already there. In a lot of ways I have/am already achieved/achieving my life goals - I'm learning, (sort of) meeting new people, am reasonably healthy, and totally awesome, if my baking adventures last week are anything to go by (apart from some bits...).

I jest, I know that I am not yet perfect. But what is perfect? Sometimes we covet not the absolute perfection, but the beauty that is in imperfection. The clouds aren't perfectly white or symmetrical, but they are beautiful nonetheless. The rain doesn't fall in straight parallel lines at an equal distance from all other drops of rain - in fact, not all rain drops in the same instance of rain are the same size. But rain is still awesome. Not every petal on a flower is identical, symmetrical and uniform - but the  flower is still perfect. 

Point in discussion being, that yes, a perfectly straight line is beautiful, but so is a sine wave. A straight path is satisfying, but a crooked one is just as fun. My life may not be following the ideal plan, but it's getting there, and it's good. And I'm pretty awesome. Not sure exactly why, but I know I feel good and that's good enough for today, at least. 

Also, I had a dream about Jedward last night. It was weird, in hindsight. And the youngest brother is having a semi-meltdown. He made me promise that he won't fail his science project. And he has had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights. He has also taken over my bed. Ten is too young for this sort of freaking out.

Cell counts! It's going okay, at least I've started on an actual subject. Not too happy with the figures I'm getting, but oh well.

Have yourself an awesome day!

Peace and love,

S.

Found. In fact, never lost. Just HIDDEN.

So it turns out that my dad is not only brilliant, but also a touch evil. He has been holding Toby hostage all this time, to teach me a lesson.

I supposedly leave things everywhere, and I left my iPod in the car so he put it away and NEVER TOLD ME. He totes knew I was worried about it. I begged him to stop by our old house again on the way home that night, and he refused. That would have been a great time to tell me. Or how about the next morning?


But no. To teach me a proper lesson, he didn't tell me until last night (Thursday). He really knows how to go for the dramatic effect - he asked me to get his phone from this bag, and the first thing I saw there was my darling Toby. Dumbfounded to say the least. 


Peace and love,

S.

Lost and...nope, just lost.

Sometimes people come to me because they think I know things. They are wrong. The only thing I know is that there is good and bad, and to be happy you have to hang on to the good things for as long as they're around and hang onto the good people for as long as they'll let you.

For example, my iPod (Toby) was a massive part of my every day life. I enjoyed his company and services as an entertainment unit, storage facility, data transfer intermediate, and companion since the day I bought him. On Saturday the 10th of July, Toby went missing. I had to struggle to hold back the tears. Either he dropped out of the car when we stopped by our old house for mail and I opened my passenger door, or later on at my cousin's house one of the kids picked him up and dropped him up somewhere else. I am devastated, but I also haven't quite felt it. Also, I go sort of numb when things go REALLY wrong, sort of like a coping mechanism. I think God knows I'd have a full-blown breakdown if I felt everything I was supposed to feel in such situations. Anyway, it sort of reminded me that everything in life comes and goes, and the best you can do is be happy in the window of time available instead of crying because it's only a window and not a permanent state.

Anyway, Toby's loss will be reinforced once I start using the microscopes again (I have been counting cells at my desk for the last week or so). It's already hard enough being unable to listen to podcasts as I fall asleep at night. But I guess he had a good run, with almost a year and a half in my life. If someone did take him, I hope they enjoy and appreciate him as much as I did. 


Actually, that's a lie. I hope they die a horrible and painful death very soon.

On that note,

Peace and love,

S.

The first one in this sequence nearly had me in tears :D

Pretty much nearly died laughing.

Breathing.

Sometimes, I forget to breathe. It then takes a while to re-establish a normal breathing pattern, leaving one slightly puffed out.

Other times, I can't be bothered breathing. It's such a massive effort. In, out, heave-ho. Breathing out is okay, it just whooshes out, but breathing in - forget about it! So you slow it down, postpone inhaling for as long as possible - but all that this leads to is breathlessness and tiredness, as when one forgets to breathe. You have to take big gasping breaths so your brain doesn't die, leaving one more tired than one was to begin with. Such a waste of energy.

Another phenomenon that disrupts this automated air-delivery system is thinking about it. That is, when you start thinking about each breath, in and out, and suddenly you have to force yourself to keep breathing because it has turned into a conscious thing. And then you freak because you think, "Will I have to keep reminding myself to breathe forever? What about in my sleep? I shall perish, no two ways about it!"

And then you get over it. 

Life is a bit like that.

Peace and love,

S.

Drip, drip, FLOOD COMING!

There are times when you want to say something, express some emotion or thought, and you find that you can't. Then you listen to a song, and it makes you feel better. So you keep listening to it. But it just reinforces the awful feeling you had at the beginning, because even though it made you feel better in the moment, it also keeps reminding you of that thing that brought you down in the first place.

Right now I'm counting cells. It's going okay. It's still a novelty, given I've just started. But it also gives me time to think. And thinking when you're tired and/or hungry tends to be a little depressing.

Today's lab meeting was quite entertaining; the supervisor showed us pictures of his holiday in the middle of nowhere. He's an interesting character. Sometimes you see a younger person, and it reminds of you some older person you know, so you can imagine what they (the older person) would have been like as a child or young adult. I am having trouble placing the supervisor. If I make a mistake, he'll correct me and try to teach me, but if I still don't understand/can't fix it after a couple of times, he sort of decides that that must be the best I can do and leaves it at that. He's awesome, but the lack of faith sometimes is a bit of a downer. Or maybe I'm over-thinking it.

Not that my self-worth or estimation of my capacities or happiness or anything should rely on or be influenced by anyone outside of myself. But still. There's this part of me that's human, and it keeps taking over. And I don't know how to tell him that my immuno failed again even though the other guy was there with me the whole time. Well, it's not that I don't know how to tell him. I'm just terrified, is all. Not that I should be, given that I have a plan for next year (Arts degree) if all else fails. But I think this plan would mean admitting failure and therefore is a little hard to accept properly/be happy with. 

I shall stop before I make even less sense.

Peace and love,

S.

The wool in my head gets in the way.

There are times when you know something but have trouble understanding or feeling whatever it is that you know. For example, I know that in the overall scheme of things I am exactly where I want to be and I'm very happy - but I have trouble feeling this happiness on a regular basis.


Another example is that I know you are never too old to live or too young to die. So why am I not doing more with my life? Why am I not spending every spare moment doing things I love?


I'll tell you why. It's because I'm darn TIRED. Eleven hours imaging on the microscope - not the most taxing of tasks, but still draining. Even the next day. I had a meeting with my supervisor and I'd forgotten to bring in any of my data and couldn't process any of his questions. He did not seem impressed. But he was still really nice about it. Patience of a saint, that man.


The sun is shining today. It feels like a lazy day. Slightly worried about the cell counts - haven't practised anywhere near as much as they expected. Awkward. But the bright sunshine makes it okay. 


But I have a plan. Actually I have several plans, but each of them starts the same way: get through this year the way I got through year 12, and then do whatever comes my way. Of my list of plans, the first is impossible (med), the second and third highly unlikely (PhD or RA), the fourth may work (Arts degree) and the fifth is the most likely (stay home and cry).


So there we have it. A plan.


Peace and love,

S.

Another truth.

In the six months that I have been 21 years old, I have learned quite a bit about myself, if not about the world in general. Which is okay. At least I'm learning something. 


Today, I learned another basic truth of life. If you want your supervisor, or people in general, to think well of you, don't disclose your failures to said parties. My immuno failed last week, of which my supervisor was informed yesterday morning. I'm pretty sure I know where I went wrong, but I made the same mistake again yesterday when I began an immuno on another set of tissues. In this morning's lab meeting, I felt the need to detail said retardedness on my behalf to the room full of mega-smart scientists. And they (the supervisor especially) just looked at me in the weirdest way. And then I had this epiphany. Don't mistake me, they were very nice about it, and their suggestions were really, really good. But I felt like an idiot. And then I realised there's no need to give people lists of your faults and mistakes. They'll find out in their own time, if ever.

This leads me to my second point in today's session. It doesn't bother me so much that the immuno didn't work - I'm happy to repeat it a hundred times till it works, if necessary. It's the fact that I'm not meeting anyone's expectations, and that it isn't working because of my own silly mistakes and not because there is an issue with the tissue or the protocol or some other unknown variable. 


But why do I care if they think I'm retarded? It doesn't change what I want, what I'm doing, or the fact that in science, as with life, things just like to go wrong. Other peoples' immunos don't work all the time - it's part of being in the lab. But I think the fact that I only have to master a just a handful of techniques (let's be honest, there are only three...) and I can't seem to make it work...Plus I don't know how to cut the tissue sections so I would have to wait for the RA to get back and ask her...I know it's not my fault I don't know how to cut sections - it's not like I've been taught - but I'd like to be self-sufficient to as great a degree as possible. I don't want my failures to inconvenience others. And as much as I'd like to think that I am my own person, at the end of the day I am paranoid, awkward, and eager to please others. Which is sad.

But not as sad or troublesome as other things. Like heartburn. Or working incredibly hard for years to get your PhD and taking care of your baby at the same time, and then six months before the end your family situation bubbles over, you get the wrong advice from people and suddenly you have two weeks to leave the country because the organisation that's supposed to support you has decided to cancel your visa, and you can't get credit for any of the work you've done to date so you can't graduate. See, now that is sad and troublesome.

On a slightly less depressing note, today I had my first can of V in several years. It is awesome. I'd totally forgotten how awesome it is. And it's pretty awesome.


Also, I'm starting to realise that instead of living inside your own head, stressing out or just making plan after plan, get out there deal with life as it is right now. You need those plans, but planning alone doesn't get you anywhere. Successful people didn't get there just by dreaming - they use every moment they have, try different things, and keep at it after every failure. People can make life harder, but if you don't get involved with these sort of people, and you keep your own thoughts, happiness and life on track, their grumpiness doesn't matter. So essentially detach yourself from that awful moment and focus on the bigger picture and work towards that instead. Hopefully this reasoning will get me through the rest of this year. If not, at least I had the chance to work in a lab for the time that I did.

Peace and love,

S.

Slightly embarrassed.

Every time I think I have self-sufficiency down pat, something really embarrassing happens to prove me wrong.

I just started an immuno in the lab. I needed the xylene, but of course, I couldn't open the bottle. I tried to save face by asking a girl nearby, but she didn't have any luck either. It took a lot of steeling my nerves to find a guy somewhere in the lab and ask him for help (no one from my group is here). So, so embarrassing. I felt like a little girl asking dad to open the jam jar. Except he wasn't my dad, and I'm not a little girl.

I may never live this one down.

But there is a lesson to be learned in this. As much as you'd like to think you can make it on your own, there are times when you need other people. And it's nice to have them there.

Peace and love,

S.

A little wisdom.

There are some lessons one learns the hard way. It would appear that all of the lessons I have learned have been the hard way. A selection of what I have learned is as follows:

#1 - You need enough sleep throughout your adolescent years to be able to grow. I used to stay up most of the night reading, the school, then reading again. As a result, I am now just over 5'1".

#2 - Not all people are as nice as they think or would like you to think. I often find myself too eager to please and think well of people, and after persevering with the friendship for up to as much as a year, I realise that they are awful. These people are essentially deluded. 

#3 - People who describe themselves as honest are really just full of it. They just want attention and an excuse for their awfulness. 

#4 - It is wrong to thing that if you want something for long enough or to a sufficient degree, you will get it. I have wanted to sprout a few inches for quite a long while, now. I am sceptical of any pending results. The same would apply to any delusions I may once have held regarding my career, acquiring a flawless Scottish accent, being able to sing, and being able to wish the ground into swallowing me whole.

#5 - The phrases 'birds of a feather flock together' and 'opposites attract' are not complementary. This is not necessarily a lesson to be learned, but it is an interesting observation. Are we friends because we're both awesome, or because I'm awesome and you're awful? Why would I want to be friends with an awful person? I'm awesome, so I can't be the awful one in the relationship. See what I mean?

#6 - An 'energizing breakfast' does not consist of cake and ice cream. While this will cause you  to fizz for some time, you will only end up feeling ill for the next three days.

#7 - People will often tell you to call on them should you need any help, but rarely mean this. Phrases such as 'I'm happy to answer any questions you may have', 'If you have any questions, just ask' and 'If you need help I'll be just over here/there' are the most common forms of this lie. They would like you to think that they are generous and understanding. But they are not. Of course, there are the rare occasions on which they genuinely don't have the time/capacity to help, but for the purposes of this rant we will ignore such situations.

#8 - Instructions on the packet of cake mix always give the wrong approximation for time in the oven. Similarly, recipes will always underestimate the preparation time. Don't be fooled by words such as 'easy', 'simple' and 'basic' in recipe titles. 

#9 - There is every chance in the universe that boredom will kill you. People often tell you to suck it up and get on with life, and that it won't kill you. They are wrong. I myself have come very close to dying of boredom on several occasions, both throughout my childhood and as an adult.

#10 - The saying 'aim for the sky, if you fail you'll at least find yourself surrounded by stars' is based on the false premise that a living being will firstly, be able to, and secondly, want to, be surrounded by stars. Stars are hot. And a long, long way away. You would be more likely to die before you were in the vicinity of a star, due to either the time it would take to get there or due to the intense heat radiating from it. The saying should be amended to 'aim for the sky, and be careful you don't fail because this will result in certain death'.


I hope you can benefit from these humble lessons. It is my great wish to write a book containing everything I know and have learned, but there's just so much of it I'm afraid the reader would be overwhelmed. Also, none of it is useful. 


Peace and love,


S.

Monday morning cynicism.

Why are people always telling me what to do? Often they think they are educating or liberating me, but really they are just P*SSING ME OFF.

Not that I'm in a bad mood, or anything (no irony). I'm actually quite happy. Being happy for no particular reason worries me a little, I'm not too sure as to why. Possibly because I'm so used to being worried? And because I kind of know something not-so-great will happen before too long. Or because I'm worried that I'm forgetting something? Because there's always something to worry about. But anyway, it's a pretty swell feeling.

In other news, I don't know what I'll be doing next year. The supervisor has dropped a few hints about who's going to be in the lab next year and who isn't, and I'm pretty much the only possible person who can leave, so....yeah...The studying psychiatry dream doesn't seem too likely, given I'd have to do med first. And I dreamed that I didn't get into any med programs at any of the universities in Australia. Dreams can be fun like that. 

If all else fails, I'll get a friend to get me a job at the restaurant where she works. I could wash dishes for a while, get some money, travel or whatever. And then decide what to do next. Wouldn't mind staying in uni forever, just learning EVERYTHING there is to learn. That'd be awesome. And then I'd understand research and stuff a little more, so I wouldn't constantly be google-ing things like diseases and antibodies and statistical analyses.

Happy news!! My blog views have ticked over 1000 (cumulative, since I started the blog, which may have been a few years ago, but still) in the last few weeks. I get quite a few views from the States, I don't think it's just per chance because if it were the viewing figures would be similar to Israel, Germany and Lithuania (search words, etc) - somewhere in the lower single digits. So dearest readers, HELLO!!! 

Also bonded with the American cousins over the weekend. It was AWESOME. The 8-year old - I was trying to explain to him that his brother is in middle school now and people get a bit grumpy around that time, and this adorable kid was like 'Oh, I'm already grumpy.' And asked for reasons, he responded with 'People are mean and they lie and push people around.' It was the cutest thing ever. Apart from that time my youngest brother, aged 9, wrapped his tissues in cling rap to take to school, so they wouldn't get dirty. It was a bizarrely brilliant moment. 

And then there was a discussion with the 14 year olds regarding how to survive a zombie apocalypse. That was a little intense. 

I'll get back to trying to look busy now. The other guy just showed me how to count glomerular cells with this software and that. He doesn't like it if I take notes while he's talking, but that just means I don't remember things. It easier to remember steps if you've written them down. And sometimes he treats me like a moron. For example, 7+8=15 DUH. And then when it comes to the hard stuff he just skims past it. Here's the verdict: he think I'm really thick, so he tries to dumb (the wrong) things down, but he doesn't understand that the things he thinks are simple are actually the slightly more complicated ones. Some brilliant people just don't understand that not everyone can be as smart as they are. 

Anyhooz.

Peace and love,

S.

Dream Dissection.

Sorry, I understand this might be getting old, but I had another one that I thought was ABSOLUTELY REAL.


It involved telling Joe Hildebrand (journalist), via twitter, that I'd seen him on the latest HIGNFY episode as one of the four in the 'Odd One Out' round, and that onions (I think) and goats were involved. And he retweeted it, and asked for the link to the episode, and my feed was flooded because I didn't check it straight away, and the dream may have ended when I finally sent the youtube links to him. 


Let's dissect this dream. Joe Hildebrand (whom I follow on twitter) is constantly retweeting, and generally tweets quite frequently. I fell asleep watching HIGNFY on my iPod. And I spend way too much time on the internet. 


Wow, not really that much to it, is there? Though this was a fairly ordinary dream, remarkable only because I really, really thought it was real. When I woke up I thought 'Yep, that's what happened'. 

Even more remarkable is how boring my blog is when I am happy. Because, really, how interested are you in reading about the reasons for someone's good mood, or the fact that they're in a good mood at all? Cynicism can be a lot funnier and more entertaining. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll have something to whinge about before long!

Peace and love,

S.

More dreams.

Just thought you'd all like to know what I've been dreaming about. Saturday was a cousin's birthday, used it as the perfect excuse to binge on cake. Am pretty sure this contributed to the many and odd dreams I had that night. This included one with my dad and I in the bathroom, him helping me shave my beard and them me panicking because I had hair on my neck. Then I dreamed that I posted that I'd dreamed this on facebook. 


I am having trouble deciding whether I'm going to be depressed this year and just not worry about the outcomes, or to try really, really hard. I know what I want, kind of, and I know what I'd like as a back-up, but neither of these is likely to happen. So I don't really have a plan or back-up plan. I think I'm more worried about the fact that I'm not worried. Or maybe I am worried, and this is how I'm channelling it? I don't really know.


Anyway, it's not important. The important thing is that my cousins from the US are here for a while, and I get to see them and IT IS AWESOME. If all else fails I will just have to focus on organising children's birthday parties. And travel the world. And farm pomegranates. May be waitressing? Haha, what a waste of a science degress that would be!


We got our lit review marks a few days ago, I thought I'd done quite well. But my supervisor didn't seem too enthused. I think he knew the markers were being really soft. Ah well, at least I can't disappoint him, now that he has learned not to expect anything great of me! The other guy has been trying to be nice to me and it weirds me out. 


Haha there's this guy here who is CONSTANTLY smoking and nearly always dresses like a gangsta (but no bling). A few weeks ago I saw him with an asthma puffer in one hand and a pack of cigarettes in the other. Silly boy. 

Anyhow, I've realised that my main problem is the fact that I get bored, easily and all the time. I don't do well at 'easy' things because I can't be bothered putting in the effort for something so small - because if I have to put effort in, it's going to be everything, or nothing. I don't necessarily do well at the harder things, but at least I'm happier.

So, again, I have nothing useful or profound to say. But that's okay, because I'm in a fairly good mood. I love my family and my friends. I'm pretty sure I'm the favourite grandchild as well as the favourite sister and cousin. Only thing left is to be the favourite aunt, but that's a while off. And then I can conquer the rest of the world with my awesomeness.


I would like to leave you with a little bit of awesomeness: 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b011k12c/Rhod_Gilbert_04_06_2011/


 (Rhod Gilbert Show, from BBC Radio Wales. Enjoy!)

Peace and love,

S.