I am the three awes (after a fashion).

1. I am awful - sometimes I have really bad thoughts - I don't like people and their flaws annoy me.

2. I am awkward - I don't know what to do with myself. My posture is awkward, something confident but totally not - basically confused. I walk into things, drop stuff, say things that don't make sense.

3. I am awesome - inspite of everything, I'm not so bad. At least I'm not as tactless as some, and I hate embarrassing people/making them feel awkward, regardless of how much/little I like them. Plus, I have some really cool ideas (sometimes).

For want of a better word, WhenandHow?

Life seemed so much more promising back in high school. I genuinely thought I had a chance at getting into Oxford/Cambridge/Edinburgh/etc.. I actually thought I'd find a way, that things would work out, that I'd make something of my life.

Now...I don't know.

I'm at the end of my Science degree. I've been talking to heaps of people from different labs, asking about honours and research and stuff. They all get really excited and then they find out my average is a measly 69-point-something. I have this semester to fix it a bit, but it's a little too late. It doesn't make a difference how much I've had to deal with, with the commuting and family and health stuff.

Pretty much feel like breaking down and crying every time I think about this stuff.

I know things will work out eventually, and yes I'm learning to be a nicer person in the process, but I feel so insecure about the future. I don't know what to do next. I like having solid plans, with a fairly solid back-up plan, and a dreamy secondary back-up plan. And now I have no idea. Do I apply for another course? Do I start applying for jobs in retail?

I don't know what I want out of life, except that I want my life to mean something. I want to learn everything there is to learn. I want to be able to figure things out. There's got to be more to life than what someone else thinks of you, either in a social or academic or professional context. Is success really measured by what someone with a fancy title thinks of you and your work?

I know I'll look back on this and think, you know what, I'm glad it happened because I learned heaps. I learned to be a bit nicer, to think a little more about the world around me, a little more patience. But right now? It's hard.

On a brighter note, I have started reading books by Alexander McCall Smith. The Corduroy Mansions books were ok, but the 'Number 1 Ladies' Detective Agency' series are something special. You should look into them.

Peace and love,

S.