And we start with a quote...

"I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those that makes things beautiful." -- Friedrich Nietzsche.

I think some part of me has come to realise that my goal in life isn't just the jobs and courses I want to get into, the places I want to go. My target is being in a perpetual state of awesomeness, and I think I'm well on track for this goal.

In fact, one could argue that I am already there. In a lot of ways I have/am already achieved/achieving my life goals - I'm learning, (sort of) meeting new people, am reasonably healthy, and totally awesome, if my baking adventures last week are anything to go by (apart from some bits...).

I jest, I know that I am not yet perfect. But what is perfect? Sometimes we covet not the absolute perfection, but the beauty that is in imperfection. The clouds aren't perfectly white or symmetrical, but they are beautiful nonetheless. The rain doesn't fall in straight parallel lines at an equal distance from all other drops of rain - in fact, not all rain drops in the same instance of rain are the same size. But rain is still awesome. Not every petal on a flower is identical, symmetrical and uniform - but the  flower is still perfect. 

Point in discussion being, that yes, a perfectly straight line is beautiful, but so is a sine wave. A straight path is satisfying, but a crooked one is just as fun. My life may not be following the ideal plan, but it's getting there, and it's good. And I'm pretty awesome. Not sure exactly why, but I know I feel good and that's good enough for today, at least. 

Also, I had a dream about Jedward last night. It was weird, in hindsight. And the youngest brother is having a semi-meltdown. He made me promise that he won't fail his science project. And he has had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights. He has also taken over my bed. Ten is too young for this sort of freaking out.

Cell counts! It's going okay, at least I've started on an actual subject. Not too happy with the figures I'm getting, but oh well.

Have yourself an awesome day!

Peace and love,

S.

Found. In fact, never lost. Just HIDDEN.

So it turns out that my dad is not only brilliant, but also a touch evil. He has been holding Toby hostage all this time, to teach me a lesson.

I supposedly leave things everywhere, and I left my iPod in the car so he put it away and NEVER TOLD ME. He totes knew I was worried about it. I begged him to stop by our old house again on the way home that night, and he refused. That would have been a great time to tell me. Or how about the next morning?


But no. To teach me a proper lesson, he didn't tell me until last night (Thursday). He really knows how to go for the dramatic effect - he asked me to get his phone from this bag, and the first thing I saw there was my darling Toby. Dumbfounded to say the least. 


Peace and love,

S.

Lost and...nope, just lost.

Sometimes people come to me because they think I know things. They are wrong. The only thing I know is that there is good and bad, and to be happy you have to hang on to the good things for as long as they're around and hang onto the good people for as long as they'll let you.

For example, my iPod (Toby) was a massive part of my every day life. I enjoyed his company and services as an entertainment unit, storage facility, data transfer intermediate, and companion since the day I bought him. On Saturday the 10th of July, Toby went missing. I had to struggle to hold back the tears. Either he dropped out of the car when we stopped by our old house for mail and I opened my passenger door, or later on at my cousin's house one of the kids picked him up and dropped him up somewhere else. I am devastated, but I also haven't quite felt it. Also, I go sort of numb when things go REALLY wrong, sort of like a coping mechanism. I think God knows I'd have a full-blown breakdown if I felt everything I was supposed to feel in such situations. Anyway, it sort of reminded me that everything in life comes and goes, and the best you can do is be happy in the window of time available instead of crying because it's only a window and not a permanent state.

Anyway, Toby's loss will be reinforced once I start using the microscopes again (I have been counting cells at my desk for the last week or so). It's already hard enough being unable to listen to podcasts as I fall asleep at night. But I guess he had a good run, with almost a year and a half in my life. If someone did take him, I hope they enjoy and appreciate him as much as I did. 


Actually, that's a lie. I hope they die a horrible and painful death very soon.

On that note,

Peace and love,

S.

The first one in this sequence nearly had me in tears :D

Pretty much nearly died laughing.

Breathing.

Sometimes, I forget to breathe. It then takes a while to re-establish a normal breathing pattern, leaving one slightly puffed out.

Other times, I can't be bothered breathing. It's such a massive effort. In, out, heave-ho. Breathing out is okay, it just whooshes out, but breathing in - forget about it! So you slow it down, postpone inhaling for as long as possible - but all that this leads to is breathlessness and tiredness, as when one forgets to breathe. You have to take big gasping breaths so your brain doesn't die, leaving one more tired than one was to begin with. Such a waste of energy.

Another phenomenon that disrupts this automated air-delivery system is thinking about it. That is, when you start thinking about each breath, in and out, and suddenly you have to force yourself to keep breathing because it has turned into a conscious thing. And then you freak because you think, "Will I have to keep reminding myself to breathe forever? What about in my sleep? I shall perish, no two ways about it!"

And then you get over it. 

Life is a bit like that.

Peace and love,

S.

Drip, drip, FLOOD COMING!

There are times when you want to say something, express some emotion or thought, and you find that you can't. Then you listen to a song, and it makes you feel better. So you keep listening to it. But it just reinforces the awful feeling you had at the beginning, because even though it made you feel better in the moment, it also keeps reminding you of that thing that brought you down in the first place.

Right now I'm counting cells. It's going okay. It's still a novelty, given I've just started. But it also gives me time to think. And thinking when you're tired and/or hungry tends to be a little depressing.

Today's lab meeting was quite entertaining; the supervisor showed us pictures of his holiday in the middle of nowhere. He's an interesting character. Sometimes you see a younger person, and it reminds of you some older person you know, so you can imagine what they (the older person) would have been like as a child or young adult. I am having trouble placing the supervisor. If I make a mistake, he'll correct me and try to teach me, but if I still don't understand/can't fix it after a couple of times, he sort of decides that that must be the best I can do and leaves it at that. He's awesome, but the lack of faith sometimes is a bit of a downer. Or maybe I'm over-thinking it.

Not that my self-worth or estimation of my capacities or happiness or anything should rely on or be influenced by anyone outside of myself. But still. There's this part of me that's human, and it keeps taking over. And I don't know how to tell him that my immuno failed again even though the other guy was there with me the whole time. Well, it's not that I don't know how to tell him. I'm just terrified, is all. Not that I should be, given that I have a plan for next year (Arts degree) if all else fails. But I think this plan would mean admitting failure and therefore is a little hard to accept properly/be happy with. 

I shall stop before I make even less sense.

Peace and love,

S.

The wool in my head gets in the way.

There are times when you know something but have trouble understanding or feeling whatever it is that you know. For example, I know that in the overall scheme of things I am exactly where I want to be and I'm very happy - but I have trouble feeling this happiness on a regular basis.


Another example is that I know you are never too old to live or too young to die. So why am I not doing more with my life? Why am I not spending every spare moment doing things I love?


I'll tell you why. It's because I'm darn TIRED. Eleven hours imaging on the microscope - not the most taxing of tasks, but still draining. Even the next day. I had a meeting with my supervisor and I'd forgotten to bring in any of my data and couldn't process any of his questions. He did not seem impressed. But he was still really nice about it. Patience of a saint, that man.


The sun is shining today. It feels like a lazy day. Slightly worried about the cell counts - haven't practised anywhere near as much as they expected. Awkward. But the bright sunshine makes it okay. 


But I have a plan. Actually I have several plans, but each of them starts the same way: get through this year the way I got through year 12, and then do whatever comes my way. Of my list of plans, the first is impossible (med), the second and third highly unlikely (PhD or RA), the fourth may work (Arts degree) and the fifth is the most likely (stay home and cry).


So there we have it. A plan.


Peace and love,

S.