A Conversation.

He said,
'I want to live in your world with you
The little boy in me
Wants to know the little girl in you
My heart wants to beat
With the rhythm in you
And my hands want to hold together
The best and the worst in you.'

I said,
'My world is in my head
And nowhere else
I have no comrade and no leader
I'm alive and yet
My pulse doesn't dance
And my fire and my rain never quite meet.'

He said,
'I want to be on your mind always
Like you are on mine
I want to be your playmate and your companion
And you can be mine
I want to listen to your breath
And for you to hear mine
And I want to warm by your heart
And you can calm by mine.'

I said,
'You're expecting too much of my thoughts
With their chaos and their order
How can you be friends with the friendless - 
What will become of this loner?
What happens when I want peace
And can't silence the drum?
What if the tidal waves never quell
And we're all tossed out to sea?'

And he said,
'I've seen your world
And I want to be your friend
I want to take the loner into my soul
And make it okay
I want to stand at your shoulder
And between and within each hurricane and firestorm
I want to say to you as we get older
That you live in my heart
And I by your side
That I hear you thoughts
And speak your language
That we are kindred spirits
Like two pearls from two oceans
That I can hold your vastness and give you mine
If you let me into your world.'

And I said,
'Okay, then.'


S.

The secret's out.

Words unspoken
Truths unsaid
Best kept so,
Perhaps,
Or maybe...
Just...
Too late -
They're out!

Take back every thought
Undo every verb
And unmake every noun
Unsee and unhear
But it's
Too late - 

Unspeak! Quick!
Unsay these things!
Too late - 
The atoms and waves
Have collided
And formed a new world
In the open.

The secret's out.


S.

Trust and other issues.

Over the past couple of years I have learned a lot about friendship, politics, loyalty, and most of all, about trust. I am passive, weak, naive and gullible, so of course my instincts are to trust anyone and everyone. Thankfully life has taught me some key lessons in this area. Except I'm afraid these lessons have turned me into a cynical disaggregate instead. I find myself second-guessing my relationships with people, the goodness I see in others, and ultimately, the goodness I myself should be showing.

The way you treat others is a massive reflection on how you think and the sort of person you are. When I told everyone that I would be doing Arts this year, a lot of people were really sceptical that this was the truth, and thought I was lying to cover up doing medicine or something. Yes, this is a reflection of how they think, that expecting others to lie just shows how they themselves would lie. But I think I'm turning into one of these people. In some ways, it is a step forward - I am starting to no longer take words at face value - but at the same time, I am losing something of myself, like, sort of innocence and good will. And if I'm secretly accusing people of being false, what does it say about me? Is it better to be naive and taken advantage of, or to be on par with the bigots and know their game?

Ultimately, if they're going to give me the evil eye or make my life harder or whatever, it is Allah's will. No burden is given without you having the strength to carry it. Every test and downfall and success and brightness in your life is an opportunity to learn, or to see for yourself how strong you are and where you need to improve. So that's not a problem.

But in insisting on being naive, am I making life harder for myself? And in anticipating people's greed and lies am I making my Hereafter harder for myself?

I have so many moments when I want to share something, some good in my life, or some thought, with someone else, only to remember that that person doesn't trust me, and lies to me - because really, if someone's lying to you about something, it really means that they don't trust you. And it's sad, knowing that the people who are closest to you think this, especially when you know you have never given them a reason to do so. 

People talk. It's what they do best, apart from judging. Everyone does it and if you say you don't you are lying to yourself. I'm going to give an example of how people use this knowledge and turn bad themselves, now. So in my family, all the aunts and uncles compete and show off and talk down about the achievements of others. When our ENTER scores came out, everyone wanted to know everything -and not in the genuinely curious way, but in this really sickeningly busy-body way. I, obviously, straight-out told everyone my marks - it was a miracle that I had passed, and I wasn't about to hide God's miracles. Other people weren't so keen on relating their marks/good news/success in something else/whatever, even though they were only making it harder for themselves by creating something for others to talk about and playing on their bus-body-ness. They kept going on about how other people talk even though they themselves talk just as much. I didn't realise the double-standards, as such, until very recently. You know when someone asks you for help and you do your utmost to help them and they go all coy and hide stuff and it's like um what. Why would you feel the need to lie to the one person who has kept every secret of yours and never lied to you about their own?

Anyway, after learning about this quality - in so many people it nearly makes me want to cry - I realised that those who are supposed to be closest to you will turn on you for no good reason. And I don't understand why. What it is that drives people to be so sh*tty? Like, I get it if you have to lie for a reason, but what is it with all of this? And why would you go on about how others have big mouths if yours is the biggest of all? Is it really that hard to see the truth? Why? I just don't get it. 

I mean, I understand accidentally doing stuff, or having reasons that might be hard for others to understand, but intentionally doing sh*t things, I just don't get it. And then going to these same people to whom you lie and whatever, and asking for their sympathy or friendship or help in something - it just beggars belief. I just don't get it. 

And this realisation of how awful people can be  - I don't like it, I wish I didn't know about it, and I really, really just don't get it. I don't know who trust and with what, and I don't understand what friendship and loyalty and family and brotherhood is anymore.

But one good thing has come of this: I read this  hadith or ayah from the Quran or something that says that Allah (swt) takes away everyone from the one who He wants to turn back to Him alone. And I think this is my sign. I feel alienated from the people around me because I've lost touch with my God. Good things happen when He is in my heart and on my mind, and it brings out the best in me and in others. I need to go back to my faith and thank God properly for all that is in my life.

Peace and love, 

S. 

Feelings and chains.

I blog because I need an outlet, a distraction, something to break up the monotony of life and to serve as a reminder of who I was and what I was doing at a certain point in time. 

I don't often have anything worthy of saying. I have realised that I tend to blog more when I am in a heightened state of emotions, mainly angry or stressed or sad. I guess I don't have much to say when I'm happy because how many times can you write 'I'm happy' before someone shoots you for being so peppy? I don't really know why I feel this peace and oneness and joy sometimes. I don't know what brings it on or how to make it stay, except that it is usually when I realise and remember how awesome God is, and that patience is peace and there are reasons and He has plans that are beyond my immediate comprehension. And it has always worked out. Every time I have found myself in a bad situation, and turned to God for peace, the situation has passed and been replaced by a lesson learned and new opportunity for growth and happiness.

Sometimes I feel old and weary to my bones. I feel my insides ossifying, and my skeleton crystalising and and stiffening every joint. My heart feels heavy with the weight of unrealised dreams. But then I catch myself. What am I doing, perpetuating my own misery? What am I sad about? What is wrong in my life, what would I exchange for something different? And in trying to see reality, a strange happiness takes me. And then I feel like my insides are made of glitter and my heart is a pounding boombox beating out the rhythm of happiness. And then I catch myself again. Why am I so happy? And so on and on.

Anyway. I have two essays to write by Wednesday.

Peace and love,

S.