Just over a week until Honours is over. Final seminar in two days, thesis defence in a week from then. And that's it. Thank God.
It does leave room for awkwardness, though. Do I RSVP to the Christmas dinner? What about the department's 50th anniversary celebrations? Do I need to come in ever again?
Asked the supervisor if I could use him as a referee for job applications. He agreed and asked what kind of jobs. Just the regular soul-destroying retail variety, dude. After this year I need to know that there is worse out there and that what I have isn't the bottom of the heap.
But it's okay. Soon, there will be a lot less to whinge about. I will still be in limbo, but I'll be free to learn things and meet people. I am not naive enough to think that I will meet many, if any, awesome people. This year has taken care of that. But I will at least meet some people who aren't as awful as these ones. And that will be a nice change.
Also, sometimes Arash's voice sounds so beautiful it hurts.
Peace and love,
S.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Here is something I wrote on the 21st of July, 2011. Sounds more reasonable than I feel right now.
"Thus far in my Honours year, I have learned far more about politics than I have about science.
In the just over five months that I have been here, I have had the opportunity to observe people at each level of the food chain and the manner in which they communicate amongst themselves and with others of both higher and lower standing. Given that my supervisor is the Head of department, and my desk is away with all the other students, I have the perfect opportunity to see all of these interactions.
People are very good at covering up what they're really thinking. Sometimes it slips out in their tone or an escaped sigh, but they quickly cover it up and move on. You forget about the little slip up - until you see it happen with someone else, and you're the third party observer, and you think, "Yep, totally b*tching on the inside. As soon as this person leaves, they're going to b*tch on the outside as well." And you're right.
There's also a lot of obsequiousness, and looking down on people who are down the food chain, new, or just not a part of the same circle. As alluded to in a previous post, people only give the good news to others. No mention of immunos that didn't work, mistakes made, etc., even when there's a witness sitting next to them. Which is fair enough, everyone wants to look good in front of higher-uppers. But then they have the audacity to nit-pick at things in others, and expose all of their mistakes. It isn't very nice.
This place is by no means an awful one - there are a lot of awesome, happy people, and things run smoothly. But every now and again something little happens to remind you that politics is everywhere - and there's no escaping it, even in science. Why can't people mean what they say and say what they mean? Why can't people be open and honest about things, even if they're difficult to discuss? Of course you need diplomacy, but at what point does diplomacy blend into two-facedness? I guess part of it is that the same people in a fairly small space for most of the day - b*tching is bound to happen. It keeps people going, gives them something to talk about and distract them from the stresses of work. But then how to do you know you can trust someone? How can you tell that they won't stab you in the back, if their so good at lying (because high-grade diplomacy requires high-grade lying about what you think and feel)?
I think I am mostly depressed because I have worked on collecting this data all week, and it's rubbish. The Supervisor and both of the Other Ones don't think it's credible, and fair enough, they've been doing it for a lot longer than I have. But I'm doing exactly what they're telling me, and I don't know why my data is so different. It's not like I don't spend ages agonizing over single cell - I spend all day straining my eyes trying to make sure everything is right, and they just make me feel like a moron."
Peace and love,
S.
In the just over five months that I have been here, I have had the opportunity to observe people at each level of the food chain and the manner in which they communicate amongst themselves and with others of both higher and lower standing. Given that my supervisor is the Head of department, and my desk is away with all the other students, I have the perfect opportunity to see all of these interactions.
People are very good at covering up what they're really thinking. Sometimes it slips out in their tone or an escaped sigh, but they quickly cover it up and move on. You forget about the little slip up - until you see it happen with someone else, and you're the third party observer, and you think, "Yep, totally b*tching on the inside. As soon as this person leaves, they're going to b*tch on the outside as well." And you're right.
The scariest people are the ones who go really quite when they're angry, and are perfectly cheerful the next time you see them, even though there's no way they're over it. Of course, this is all part of professionalism - you have to remain as polite and friendly as you can at all times, and because we're all human, we have to let our guard down sometimes before it explodes out. But that doesn't detract from the infernal politics, the sheer meanness and the subtle lies to make themselves look good and simultaneously make you feel like rubbish.
There's also a lot of obsequiousness, and looking down on people who are down the food chain, new, or just not a part of the same circle. As alluded to in a previous post, people only give the good news to others. No mention of immunos that didn't work, mistakes made, etc., even when there's a witness sitting next to them. Which is fair enough, everyone wants to look good in front of higher-uppers. But then they have the audacity to nit-pick at things in others, and expose all of their mistakes. It isn't very nice.
This place is by no means an awful one - there are a lot of awesome, happy people, and things run smoothly. But every now and again something little happens to remind you that politics is everywhere - and there's no escaping it, even in science. Why can't people mean what they say and say what they mean? Why can't people be open and honest about things, even if they're difficult to discuss? Of course you need diplomacy, but at what point does diplomacy blend into two-facedness? I guess part of it is that the same people in a fairly small space for most of the day - b*tching is bound to happen. It keeps people going, gives them something to talk about and distract them from the stresses of work. But then how to do you know you can trust someone? How can you tell that they won't stab you in the back, if their so good at lying (because high-grade diplomacy requires high-grade lying about what you think and feel)?
I think I am mostly depressed because I have worked on collecting this data all week, and it's rubbish. The Supervisor and both of the Other Ones don't think it's credible, and fair enough, they've been doing it for a lot longer than I have. But I'm doing exactly what they're telling me, and I don't know why my data is so different. It's not like I don't spend ages agonizing over single cell - I spend all day straining my eyes trying to make sure everything is right, and they just make me feel like a moron."
Peace and love,
S.
One ticket to the 'Intense Emotional Rollercoaster Ride of Intense Emotions', please.
Sometimes I remember random things that make me really, really angry.
One of these things is people who think that their grasp of the English language is better than mine just because English is the first and only language they speak. To these people, I would like to say the following: go back to your precious rock that has sheltered you from the world for so long, because the world needs to be sheltered from you and your moronic-ness.
Morons.
Another thing that angers me is insipid stupidity. There's not-knowing - which is fine, there are always going to be things that you don't know and that you might struggle to understand, like the exact definition of 'worldly' and why we say 'he SAYS' but 'they SAY' (the pluralisation of the word 'say' in the context of a single subject).
But then there is stupidity. If you have been significantly horrible on a number of occasions, as well as generally not nice on a daily basis, why would anyone want to be friends with you, least of all the person you have been so horrible to? Or if you are going to be sensitive about people pointing out that you sound harsh, why would you continue to list all these policies that you approve of when all of these policies were first introduced by Nazis?! Do you really not hear what you're saying? How can you go on about 'cleaning out the gene pool' and locking up people with mental illnesses, not to mention the constant xenophobia and blatant racism, and then get angry with someone tells you that maybe you're being a bit harsh?
Seriously.
OMG - the thing that makes me SUPER ANGRY - when people I don't like are in my personal space and they go as far as to touch me - I could SCREAM. I really, really don't like these people, and I don't want them anywhere near me, pretending to be all lovely and friendly, and when they take that extra step and touch my arm or something - pretty sure I wouldn't have a problem with killing them.
Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I'm so angry or upset and all of these intrusive thoughts keep piling on, and each new memory triggers recall of a whole other set of horrible memories. Swallowing your anger can be rewarding, of course, but sometimes it all rushes back, ten-fold stronger. The same goes for sucking it up and getting on with life when sad or upsetting things happen. My thesis went in on time - it wasn't good (at all) but it was done - I should be really happy right now, or at least not as stressed. But instead, I just alternate between wanting to knock down a wall with angry yelling and hysterical crying, like I've just lost my best friend. Well, in a way, I have lost my friend - I've lost a year of my life to misery and boredom. I should have let myself breakdown when I felt it coming on. Bottling up this sort of thing is not good. At least I'd have been able to get a doctor's certificate for an extension, cried myself out, slept for a couple of days, and then completed my thesis to perfection. But that would involve luck and me not being so in control of how I express things.
Ah well.
Peace and love,
S.
One of these things is people who think that their grasp of the English language is better than mine just because English is the first and only language they speak. To these people, I would like to say the following: go back to your precious rock that has sheltered you from the world for so long, because the world needs to be sheltered from you and your moronic-ness.
Morons.
Another thing that angers me is insipid stupidity. There's not-knowing - which is fine, there are always going to be things that you don't know and that you might struggle to understand, like the exact definition of 'worldly' and why we say 'he SAYS' but 'they SAY' (the pluralisation of the word 'say' in the context of a single subject).
But then there is stupidity. If you have been significantly horrible on a number of occasions, as well as generally not nice on a daily basis, why would anyone want to be friends with you, least of all the person you have been so horrible to? Or if you are going to be sensitive about people pointing out that you sound harsh, why would you continue to list all these policies that you approve of when all of these policies were first introduced by Nazis?! Do you really not hear what you're saying? How can you go on about 'cleaning out the gene pool' and locking up people with mental illnesses, not to mention the constant xenophobia and blatant racism, and then get angry with someone tells you that maybe you're being a bit harsh?
Seriously.
OMG - the thing that makes me SUPER ANGRY - when people I don't like are in my personal space and they go as far as to touch me - I could SCREAM. I really, really don't like these people, and I don't want them anywhere near me, pretending to be all lovely and friendly, and when they take that extra step and touch my arm or something - pretty sure I wouldn't have a problem with killing them.
Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I'm so angry or upset and all of these intrusive thoughts keep piling on, and each new memory triggers recall of a whole other set of horrible memories. Swallowing your anger can be rewarding, of course, but sometimes it all rushes back, ten-fold stronger. The same goes for sucking it up and getting on with life when sad or upsetting things happen. My thesis went in on time - it wasn't good (at all) but it was done - I should be really happy right now, or at least not as stressed. But instead, I just alternate between wanting to knock down a wall with angry yelling and hysterical crying, like I've just lost my best friend. Well, in a way, I have lost my friend - I've lost a year of my life to misery and boredom. I should have let myself breakdown when I felt it coming on. Bottling up this sort of thing is not good. At least I'd have been able to get a doctor's certificate for an extension, cried myself out, slept for a couple of days, and then completed my thesis to perfection. But that would involve luck and me not being so in control of how I express things.
Ah well.
Peace and love,
S.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Self-preservation.
Sometimes, you have to stop trying to find the good in someone and just accept that they are an awful person through and through. In the unlikely event that there is any morsel of good in them, it will not be enough to compensate for their awfulness.
Really, the thing you have to know in life is that most people are pretty cr*p. Not being evil is not the same as being good. People are passive, inconsiderate, and I understand that the self comes first, but how much does it cost to be polite? Common courtesies are not hard to express.
And I understand that not everyone is here to be my friend, but why can't people just do their job? If you can't do your job, just say so instead of pretending that you have done it and messing everything up. You find out a lot about people when you're lower down in the food chain.
So, the key to getting through it is to be as polite as possible to these horrible people, because nothing will annoy them more, and laugh at everything because that will also annoy them while also making you feel happy.
I cannot believe I have lasted the whole year here. It is always this pattern with me - put up with things and keep letting things pass and then a year later wonder why on earth I can't wait to get away.
I have realised that I, too, have been passive in this regard. There's patience - and then there's putting up with things because you don't want to cause a stir. And I've progressed to the latter. Sometimes you have to cause a stir. No one in life (excepting the few awesome heroes) will put you first, or even second or third. Altruism on your behalf is detrimental if you, as the source of the altruism, are being destroyed. How can you continue to give and spread goodness, if your soul has been destroyed and you see the world with a bitter eye?
With just over 24 hours till my thesis is due, I am feeling more than a little emotionally vulnerable. Lack of sleep over several months will do that to a girl. But no matter. Freedom beckons, and it's just on the other side of tomorrow. I know my thesis is pretty awful, but at least it is mostly done. And I know the year has been boring and miserable, but it'll be done soon, too. Writing up my acknowledgements the other day was pretty awkward. I guess sometimes you have to lie.
Anyway. I should have done things differently, they should have done things differently - it makes so difference now, except that at least I know better now.
Peace and love,
S.
Really, the thing you have to know in life is that most people are pretty cr*p. Not being evil is not the same as being good. People are passive, inconsiderate, and I understand that the self comes first, but how much does it cost to be polite? Common courtesies are not hard to express.
And I understand that not everyone is here to be my friend, but why can't people just do their job? If you can't do your job, just say so instead of pretending that you have done it and messing everything up. You find out a lot about people when you're lower down in the food chain.
So, the key to getting through it is to be as polite as possible to these horrible people, because nothing will annoy them more, and laugh at everything because that will also annoy them while also making you feel happy.
I cannot believe I have lasted the whole year here. It is always this pattern with me - put up with things and keep letting things pass and then a year later wonder why on earth I can't wait to get away.
I have realised that I, too, have been passive in this regard. There's patience - and then there's putting up with things because you don't want to cause a stir. And I've progressed to the latter. Sometimes you have to cause a stir. No one in life (excepting the few awesome heroes) will put you first, or even second or third. Altruism on your behalf is detrimental if you, as the source of the altruism, are being destroyed. How can you continue to give and spread goodness, if your soul has been destroyed and you see the world with a bitter eye?
With just over 24 hours till my thesis is due, I am feeling more than a little emotionally vulnerable. Lack of sleep over several months will do that to a girl. But no matter. Freedom beckons, and it's just on the other side of tomorrow. I know my thesis is pretty awful, but at least it is mostly done. And I know the year has been boring and miserable, but it'll be done soon, too. Writing up my acknowledgements the other day was pretty awkward. I guess sometimes you have to lie.
Anyway. I should have done things differently, they should have done things differently - it makes so difference now, except that at least I know better now.
Peace and love,
S.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Here is a prettyful image I took today.
A glomerulus, blue (DAPI)= nuclei, green (WT1)=podocytes, red (vWF)=endothelial cells. Nearly died of excitement when I found this. You're all very welcome.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Love again.
You'd think love is black and white - either you love someone, or you don't. I love quite a few people, but when I compare that to how much I love my brother, it just pales in significance. I don't know - maybe the love I feel for my brother is real, true love, and what I feel for everyone else on the list is a tolerance of the their flaws. Or maybe I've misjudged this whole love business?
I know people do both great and awful things for love. And what do you get at the end of it? The knowledge that the person you love is safe and happy. In terms of survival on the savanna, it doesn't really mean much. So did cavemen-early-human-types not have love? Is it something that has just evolved with humans, like opinions and post-it notes? Or is it an actual THING? But I suppose that's like asking whether happiness is an actual THING. Does it exist on its own? Balance and justice (which is really just a form of homeostasis and Newton's third law) definitely exist.
Wait, I don't know what I'm talking about any more. Gah.
Oh yeah, love. What is it exactly? Apart from the burning desire to put someone else's happiness before your own, I mean. But what about tough love? That doesn't necessarily make the person happy, but it ensures their safety and well-being. But wouldn't you want everyone to be happy and safe and educated and well? Because if everyone has those things, they wouldn't do bad things and in turn perpetuate any bad situations in life that may cause pain for those you love.
Anyway. All I know is that I love my brother to the point where it breaks my heart. It's a sort of pain - like when you see or hear something so beautiful you want to scream and cry. And if you're supposed to love everyone like you love your brother, I'm going to suggest that maybe I'm not cut out for it. The emotional intensity is way beyond my tea-spoon capacity.
Peace and love,
S.
Purgatory.
Purgatory has a door
And on it is my name
I hope to make it through there
Someday, past every cleansing flame
It'll be like rebirth
Like a bath in the purest lake
I'll lose every burden
The fire will burn away all the pain
And the only thing left
Will be the ashes of my shame
And I'll carry them around with me
To remind me of the warmth of those flames
S.
And on it is my name
I hope to make it through there
Someday, past every cleansing flame
It'll be like rebirth
Like a bath in the purest lake
I'll lose every burden
The fire will burn away all the pain
And the only thing left
Will be the ashes of my shame
And I'll carry them around with me
To remind me of the warmth of those flames
S.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
One step forward, two steps back.
Sometimes, you try to make things better, and they end up worse instead.
Earlier on in the year, there was an incident with someone else here in the department. This person made a very bold statement claiming all people with mental disorders should be locked up, and not allowed into society. I was so shocked, the first thing that slipped out was, "What, that sounds like something the Nazis would have done!!" This person subsequently SNAPPED. Their constant attacks and snide remarks have been a regular source of hilarity all year, though it has died down a bit recently.
I tried to apologise for offending them, even though I know I'm not wrong, and they tried to worm their way out and justify, argue, etc. again. I don't know why I felt the need to apologise. I have been thinking about it for a while - especially during Ramadan. You don't lose anything by showing kindness or respect to others, even if you have no need to show them any. And I don't want to end the year on any worse a note than it is already going to be. But all for nought, I guess.
So I may have stirred things up again, without meaning to.
Oh well. I've learned my lesson - don't give in to the niceness again!! Just kidding, peeps. Being nice doesn't cost you anything (apart from time, effort, sanity and personal well-being).
Peace and love,
S.
Earlier on in the year, there was an incident with someone else here in the department. This person made a very bold statement claiming all people with mental disorders should be locked up, and not allowed into society. I was so shocked, the first thing that slipped out was, "What, that sounds like something the Nazis would have done!!" This person subsequently SNAPPED. Their constant attacks and snide remarks have been a regular source of hilarity all year, though it has died down a bit recently.
I tried to apologise for offending them, even though I know I'm not wrong, and they tried to worm their way out and justify, argue, etc. again. I don't know why I felt the need to apologise. I have been thinking about it for a while - especially during Ramadan. You don't lose anything by showing kindness or respect to others, even if you have no need to show them any. And I don't want to end the year on any worse a note than it is already going to be. But all for nought, I guess.
So I may have stirred things up again, without meaning to.
Oh well. I've learned my lesson - don't give in to the niceness again!! Just kidding, peeps. Being nice doesn't cost you anything (apart from time, effort, sanity and personal well-being).
Peace and love,
S.
Monday, October 3, 2011
More on Love, Happiness and Death.
Sometimes, I think marriage and relationships are for a certain sort of person, and I am not it. Some people like to be told that everything is going to be okay, and that they are wonderful. Of course that sort of thing is nice, but I'm not going to be unhappy without it. If I don't really believe something's going to be okay, someone else telling me so isn't going to reassure me. And I know I'm wonderful (jk, peeps, jk).
I suppose this is somewhat confounded by the fact that the maternal regularly tells me I'm wonderful - so I guess you can't totally live without emotional/moral support from others. But you don't have to be in a relationship to get that sort of support. I think at the heart of it, I like to be far too independent. I want to be self-sufficient of and within myself, and that sort of attitude doesn't leave room for other people.
Not that there's anything wrong with marriage and relationships - they are a beautiful example of human kindness and love. But is it bad that I don't see myself as being a part of something like that? Will it affect my happiness in the future? If you have unconditional love from your family and friends, do you really need it from anyone else? Am I missing out by not having this other source? I don't think so. Your partner can die at any moment, so there's no guarantee you'll be able to grow old together.
And of course, there's no point in planning your life and happiness around something that might never happen.
Sometimes, I'm not at all fussed about dying, really. If I were to die now, I'd be dying on my quest for knowledge and perfection, and what better way is there to die? Apart from dying for someone you love or for the good of someone else - but that sort of ending is really bitter-sweet.
I am by no means perfect - pretty far away, in fact. But I have a purpose and a goal, and dying before you reach your destination isn't bad - it's always the journey there that is most important (sorry about the cliché).
This post is a garbled argument with myself, I think. I'm really tired, the results section of my thesis is no nearer to completion, and I'm just really, really tired.
Peace and love,
S.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Love and Happiness.
At then end of the day, everyone just wants to be happy, and to have someone to love and to be loved in return.
But when you think about it, there's not really much point in loving anyone. People either disappoint you, or they die. The only way you can ensure that you will not feel the ensuing misery is to prevent this disappointment or death from occurring. Failing that, you have to make sure you yourself die before it happens. And since you never know when someone else will disappoint you or die, you may as well commit suicide now. And that defeats the purpose - how can you have a happy life if you've killed yourself before you can have one?
So, of course, you should enjoy love and happiness for as long as it around. Just because it will end at some point in the future doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy it right now. But you know I'm right. And that's why you shouldn't base your whole self and happiness on other people. The only person you can be sure will never disappoint you or die is God. So at least there's one constant source of happiness in life. Not that it's easy to remember.
On a happier note, I have recently discovered two more awesome bands - Copeland, and The Format. Indie types, and way awesome. Third Eye Blind are also pretty cool.
Peace and love,
S.
But when you think about it, there's not really much point in loving anyone. People either disappoint you, or they die. The only way you can ensure that you will not feel the ensuing misery is to prevent this disappointment or death from occurring. Failing that, you have to make sure you yourself die before it happens. And since you never know when someone else will disappoint you or die, you may as well commit suicide now. And that defeats the purpose - how can you have a happy life if you've killed yourself before you can have one?
So, of course, you should enjoy love and happiness for as long as it around. Just because it will end at some point in the future doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy it right now. But you know I'm right. And that's why you shouldn't base your whole self and happiness on other people. The only person you can be sure will never disappoint you or die is God. So at least there's one constant source of happiness in life. Not that it's easy to remember.
On a happier note, I have recently discovered two more awesome bands - Copeland, and The Format. Indie types, and way awesome. Third Eye Blind are also pretty cool.
Peace and love,
S.
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