What to do, what to do...

An hour gone,
Another drifts on by...
I wanted more from my day,
I'm not going to lie.

Just a few more minutes,
Just a few more days...
Actually it's a few more months
But who's counting, anyway?

Must look busy,
Must find something to do...
Don't stare into space,
Stop thinking about shoes.

Woops, the boss just passed,
I think he thought
That I'd be doing something more
Than tying my fingers into knots.

What was I thinking?
I'm not quite sure...
But I definitely know
I can't sit at a desk ever again,
Anymore.


S.

Cows, grass and soup.

I know all dreams are weird, but I had a REALLY weird one.


It was actually an amalgamation of several dreams and scenarios, but the one I woke up with is as follows. 

There was a cow in a corner of my bedroom, akin to the foam promotional cow I have somewhere on my bookshelf. I had to milk it, which I did into a paper bag, and I did it with much proficiency given I have never milked anything but a bottle before. The paper bag kept drying up, and I had to keep adding water to make up any form of milky liquid.


Once I'd finished milking it I noticed the udder looked all deflated, like a balloon once the air had been let out of it. But this was normal in the dream. I realised the cow needed water, which I brought in a bowl. And then I remembered cows eat grass so I took pliers from the kitchen and recruited both of my sisters and we went out into the garden to get grass. The grass was incredibly short with tufts of longer grass here and there, and we had get down and cut it from the roots.

And then there was a stranger at the door.

Also, my bedroom was really messy. It made me feel a little sick. Sicker than drinking milk straight out of a cow from a paper bag. 

And there was something about terrorists at the airport, an evil-looking man who proclaimed innocence, everyone believed him, and then turned out to be the terrorist-kidnapper after all. I think he was Eastern European. And I was throwing soup around, or something. 


I'm killing time, waiting for the Dotslide to free up. Knew I should have booked it yesterday. 

Peace and love,

S.

Welcome back..

...citalopram. How was your time away?


I don't blog often enough when I'm happy, and for that I am sorry. I just forget, because I am so caught up with my good mood. And I also have trouble explaining why I feel so great.

I have recently discovered another awesome writer, columnist Joe Hildebrand. He's quite clever, and witty. I've also found a new favourite website for opinion pieces - thepunch.com.au - and rediscovered Short Stack (EEP!) and Merlin (random clips on youtube). So life is good. Not that it is these things on their own that make life good. But they certainly help.


I spend most of my time on the Dotslide (microscope), imaging and re-imaging slides. It can be frustrating, when it can't focus on the image even though the z-range is fine and turning the contrast down gives you a grainier image. And it's definitely lonely - you go for hours and hours without leaving your seat in the dark corner of an empty room. There's no time for breaks because you've booked the microscope, and you have so many slides to get through, and guy teaching you the stuff wants the IGVs done (need a code-name for him, will have to think of this later) and the Supervisor would like data asap (is this code-name good enough? Does it give the game away too easily?). It can get very, very lonely. When I'm back in company after like five hours alone I feel like I've forgotten how to talk or communicate in any way. One of the other girls pointed out that she doesn't think I'll EVER forget how to talk, and it made me LOL. Because she has a point :p.

Anyway,  despite these little draw-backs, the work is kind of satisfying. Seeing a problem with the image and knowing you can fix it, little things like knowing how to turn on the microscope and shut it down again properly without consulting anyone  - it's a good feeling. Very efficient-like. And self-sustained. 


The middle sister has been ill (hospital, surgery, can't walk, sit or lie down) and it sort of brings to attention that I have a lot with which to be satisfied. I can skip if I want to. Skipping is very uplifting. It makes you feel so young and carefree and it cuts down the time it takes to get from A to B. And carefree. You feel lighter when you skip. Did I mention carefree? I think Michael McIntyre has a comedy routine related to such - it's very funny. Michael McIntyre's laugh is adorably hilarious, plus he seems to have very supple, bouncy hair (but it's not curly). 


I have indulged in a few too many TimTams over the last couple of days. Naughty, naughty. But the world is supposed to end today - or at least, when it's today in New York or wherever that guy is - so it probably won't matter. I gather the Heavens will descend or something at 6pm New York time. How awkward for this guy and his followers if it doesn't?! Imagine having to go back to doing your grocery shopping and saying hello to your neighbours. And the rest of the world. Awkward.


It's been a good day, and I've been in a good mood, and I'm glad to have shared a bit of it with you even though I may not have conveyed it strongly enough. See you on the other side of the apocalypse!

Peace and love,

S.

Dum-di-dum-di-dum-dum...♫♪

You that feeling when someone says something INCREDIBLY sweet to you, and you get a little teary? Yeah.

At the end of the day, all anyone wants is to belong, and to be appreciated. To have just one person who believes in you, regardless of where are you, or what you haven't achieved, it's really uplifting. Knowing that one person in the whole wide world knows what's running through your head, either because they've been there or because they're just incredibly perceptive, and this same person thinks you're going to be okay - it's a really sweet feeling. It's like when the Head of department looks at your pathetic academic transcript and says they'd love to have you on their team. Or when the smartest person you know decides to sit next to you instead of all the other successful (but pretentious) b*tches. And I guess knowing that someone else has felt what you're feeling and has pulled themselves out and onwards gives you faith, that maybe you can do the same.

I never really understood the whole teenage-trying-to-find-who-I-am thing. I didn't really identify with it as a teenager, I was too concerned about all the crap in the world to look inside. But then again, I was more confident in who I was, I was doing well at school and even once that slipped away I knew that all I had to do is try and I'd be back up there. I want to go back to that. Back to having that much faith in myself (although it wasn't really faith, I just knew that I could do it). Still, going through it now makes me wonder if I'll ever get out of it? How can you definitively say that you are this one thing and not anything else? I'm really quiet, but then I'm really loud and outgoing. I'm not fussed about things, but then I'm fussed/angry/p*ssed off ALL the time. I bottle things up, but then I don't have a problem with expressing them either. So what am I? I can't be an extrovert and an introvert at the same time, not to the same degree, at least. 

Anyway, life takes time. And there's so much awesomeness to enjoy in the time it takes for things to get better. For example, JEDWARD!!!! I know they cop a lot of flack for being so....hyper? But they're awesome. They've got the right idea about life - do what you can with what you have, have all the fun you can (without hurting anyone) and ignore anyone who tries to put you down. Of course, it's easier for them because they can sing, plus they're TWINS so they'll always have the other person around. But still. Then there's Rémi Gaillard (French prankster). He is happy because he does what he loves. Plus he's super-gutsy! And French, LOL.

I'll just enjoy this good mood for as long as it lasts. Will probably something cynical to say tomorrow, never fear!

Peace and Love,

S.

Something ad nauseum.

I had a dream I found two 4-leaf clovers. I have a lot of dreams. Don't really remember most of them.


I think I'm pretty happy, I like where I am in life, and I'm feeling positive about things. But being hungry/tired makes me grumpy so people think I'm being negative. And I don't have a back-up plan. And I keep on feeling like I'm stressed about something, but then I think about it and there's nothing actually bothering me. Therefore I am imagining this weird feeling. I have thus concluded I am slowly descending into insanity. Which is okay. It's just that weird stressed feeling that it isn't okay.

Quite a lot has happened around the world in the last few weeks. Weddings, killing the enemy...It's sort of weird how massive things are happening and it doesn't sink in. My life has been a little on the dull side, although I've finally started sort of working on my actual project for Honours. I get frustrated because I don't have a way of learning what I have to by myself. There's no protocol or anything to follow, I have to wait for the PhD student to teach me. He's lovely, but gets a little impatient when I don't remember things or get obvious things wrong. I don't really learn from that sort of thing. I need someone to tell me I'm doing well, so I can try harder to do even better. Although come to think of it, he probably doesn't mean anything in a negative way, I'm just overly sensitive (tired, hungry, a little worried about the future because I don't have a back-up plan, plus that weird stressed-out feeling).

LOL I started off with how happy I am at the moment and just descended into misery. See what I mean? I don't really have anything to be depressed about just yet (apart from my prospects, but still, it's ages till the end of the year), but I keep worrying about things. Might be missing my citalopram/propanolol. 

Today I spent just over 5 hours on Dotslide (microscope). It was good. Except time flies, and you can't take a break because you only have it for so many hours, and you're sitting there thinking, 'Why does everything look so fuzzy and why do I feel like crying?' and then you realise it's because you haven't eaten in forever, and you've been sitting in this dark room in a small cubicle for hours and hours without any interaction with another person. It's a bit depressing. I only really see people when I'm at uni, and if my whole day is spent in a cold dark room there's no one around to remind me that I'm human and have friends and whatever. I think I'm slowly becoming a little anti-social, without meaning to. After all that time at the microscope, when I'm around other people I sort of forget how to act or be or something. Again with the deterioration into madness. Ah well. 

Have you noticed how in life, the people who tell you not to worry and that there are so many options and paths you can take, etc are the really smart and successful ones who don't know what it's like to be on the other side? Easy for you to say to get a job as an RA at the end of the year. Do you realise how competitive that is? And it's because labs want people like you who are all smart and successful. Of course I know there are other ways of getting to where you want. I just also know that I am not likely to get there in any alternate reality. Why couldn't I have a really useful skill? Or any skill at all? So what if my career is in ruins, if I can go home and play sweet music on the piano? Or sing and make every word I say sound like golden honey?

Okay I can't really be bothered to continue with the whingeing. Not really in the right mood for thinking about depressing things. Point is I do wish I had a natural talent for something. Bedtime!


Peace and love,


S.

Sorry, come again?

You know those times when you want to swear and yell at someone to let them know that you HAVE been listening, but they OVERLOAD you with information and YOU'RE NEW TO THE WHOLE THING and therefore maybe CAN'T ABSORB EVERYTHING ON THE VERY FIRST GO. If you are teaching someone you have to be prepared to REPEAT THINGS A FEW TIMES instead of making them feel like crap.

Honestly. Why are some smart people so blind/tactless/not very smart?


I'm not upset or anything. I swear. NOT.


Peace and love,


S.

Inspired!

I think I may have found a new direction in life. At least, it's something to keep me going for a little while, to make me feel like I have a goal to work towards. 


I really enjoy lab-work, and learning about diseases and disorders, and the physiological and genetic basis for psychiatric and personality disorders, and I'd love to work with kids, so may be I can be a child/adolescent psychiatrist? I know this doesn't give much opportunity for dissections and surgery, but I'll have to study med so maybe I'll get my fill there? Plus I can still work with brain sections/live animals in the lab, with stimulation projects and drug trials and stuff. I'd be able to see PEOPLE and still do lab stuff. I think it'll keep me motivated for at least a little while.

Getting into med isn't going to be easy. Oh well. I have the rest of the year to go. And then after med I'll need to do 5+ years of further training. So at least I'll know what comes next, unlike right now. 

I've been researching the little monster, and there's supposedly and association with increased ACC (anterior cingulate cortex) stimulation. And this area is associated with emotional awareness and error detection, reward-based learning, empathy and decision making. All of which is very plausible. There's also a purported link between higher ACC activity and left-wing political orientation vs lower ACC activity and right-wing sympathies. Very interesting. 

So, all in all, sort of a good day!

Peace and love,

S.

I wrote the Book of Pain.

A room with a desk, and not much more. A book sits on the desk. The title is faded and dull. The spine is creased and falling away. Sprawling letters on the inside cover, worn away with the years, barely legible. It hints at a name, a long forgotten person, a distant memory of a spirit. Does it start with an F or an S? Or maybe a J or a T. The story is printed in an uneven San Serif typescript. Each word echoes with the voice of thousands of sorrowful souls. The last page ends with a scream, a gut-wrenching cry from the heart. It wants to be read, to be cherished and bathed in the golden light of love. To be warmed by the hands of compassion, to be a part of a wholesome whole. But it stays alone, locked away in a room with a desk, and not much more.


S.

Feeling a little abandoned by the good folk.

I am new to the lab, and I'm also really clumsy (both in terms of personality and and actual actions). So you'd think anyone teaching me in the lab would be a little more forgiving, especially given how nice they are in general. But you know when people say little things - and it's not the things they say alone, it's also the tone they use - and it makes you feel like rubbish?

I keep forgetting that this person isn't that much older than me and therefore doesn't have the experience or whatever to baby me. But they're so nice! I can't help it if I'm not as smart as them! Anyway, this is just me being petty. I'm really glad I'm finally getting to do lab-work after two months of sitting at my laptop. I just wish that the little things people say didn't make me feel inadequate. For example, a certain program I need for the main part of my project doesn't run on my laptop. It's not like I haven't tried re-installing, rebooting etc. But the way this person said 'You need it to do the counting, you can't do anything without it' - the tone made me feel like it was my fault and I should I just give the whole thing up already.

The thing with some smart people is that they are so used to being praised and looked up to that when someone comes along and doesn't know all of this and just treats them like an equal, they can't really handle it. I don't mind being patronized every now and again, I love hearing people's stories and about their lives - but then it gets to the point where they're either just not interesting, or they think I'm going to sit there and worship them. This doesn't really have anything to do with anything or anyone. I think I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself because I don't have anyone to mollycoddle me. All of which is really strange given how I went on in a previous blog about not basing your happiness on anyone outside of yourself. 


Peace and love,


S.

Listen to me blather.

Given that I have not blogged in a while, and that I don't have anything productive to do at the moment (printer is sick), I will write down a conscious-stream-thingy.

The person involved in the Nazi-calling incident seems to have moved on from it. I am not being ignored, at least. A couple of weeks ago when our lit review was due everyone sort of pulled together and stressed together, and then splurged on Macca's afterwards. I think that may have been when the getting over it part started. It's been two weeks since then, and this person was quite civil today, joining in the conversation and all. I think I'm happy. After the Macca's binge I felt really guilty because even though I wasn't wrong in what I said, I could have phrased it better, and the subject is obviously a touchy one for this person. I should have been more forgiving on the whole. Most of the barbed attacks on their behalf were out of defensiveness, and it made me laugh, which is really all I could have done at the time. The week that I cried and got really upset over the whole thing wasn't really anything to do with this person - I was stressed and mopey because my lit review was crap. Anyway, none of this is interesting or profound, I'm just glad that things are getting a bit better.

I slept in this morning, burnt my scarf while trying to iron, didn't have time for breakfast, forgot my jacket and am now feeling incredibly abandoned because I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. But despite all of this, I don't feel like crying. It's weird how sometimes you just get on with life and you feel good. It's a pretty good feeling.


I am looking forward to the day I am financially independent. I want to stop making excuses for all of the things I don't do, all of the experiences and adventures I keep putting off. I want my dreams to be reality, and I want to make it happen now. I don't want to wait till I'm old and wracked with regret.


I caught up with a friend on Friday, and it was awesome. I felt so at peace, both within myself and with the world. Great friends - great people in general - are really hard to come by. I always feel like I have to think of everyone as being this awesome, but reality always crashes through and you realise that decent people are honest and don't pretend to be something different around different people. If you're going to let loose at every party you go to, don't sit next to me and tell me you're innocent and haven't done anything questionable in your life. You're giving all the veritably innocent people in the world a bad name. The point isn't that someone lets loose at a party, it's the lying about it afterwards. If  you want to drink alcohol then fine, you can do whatever you like with your life. Just don't lie about it and then turn around and tell me not to conform.


I know I come across as a cold hard b*tch on the outside. I don't think I want to change that. I'm always looking for excuses for people, and I keep telling myself I can't be too quick to judge and that everyone has annoying little habits and all. Then a year later I'm ready to punch a hole in a wall and people label me as judgmental. I don't think they realise that being comfortable with expressing my opinions doesn't mean I tactless and purposely rude. Plus they think that they themselves are perfect. I am kind of tired of trying to look for the good in fairly rubbish people. 


But I've learned that you can't let people bother you. Just laugh at their silliness, and don't let yourself get attached to idiots. Life goes on no matter what just happened, and that's a good thing. Life isn't awesome unless you think it is. Having money obviously helps you in this respect, I don't care what people say. The thing is that you need someone to share the money/things with to be properly happy. So I guess at the end of the day happiness is with the capacity to see good and love others. But it's still you. All of that sounds really contradictory. What I mean in that have what you need as well as the lovely stuff can make you happy. Having people you love in your life makes you feel properly good and happy on a long-term basis. But you can have both money and people you love and still be unhappy if you refuse to acknowledge all of the awesomeness in the world. So life can be awesome, but you have to recognise that it is so, as well. 

Peace and love,

S.