Honours. (Warning: Mopey)

So Honours is over. Totally and completely. Thank God.

Last I wrote here, I was only a couple of days away from my thesis defence. Needless to say it was disastrous. I'd asked The Other Guy for the cause of death and pathology databases pertaining to the subjects who donated the tissue I'd used all year. He refused to send either one to me, because of quote, 'ethical issues'.


They were my blergh subjects, I was part of the blergh team, and I was half a blergh hour away from my thesis defence. Did he think I was stupid enough to go and google the names, or something?


The actual defence was an ordeal as well. I'd asked the Supervisor about something, he didn't know the answer, the question obviously came up in the defence, I stumbled around a bit and finally gave the right answer. Afterwards, the Supervisor told me I'd done okay, I'd stumbled around a bit, but I'd done okay. No thanks to him.


At the end of the defence you leave the room for a few minutes and your supervisor talks to the panel about how you went throughout the year, and then the supervisor leaves and you get to do the same. I tried to tell them about all the crap I had put up with, particularly from The Other Guy, but I couldn't stop crying, and the guy running the thing kept trying to shut me up. Boo.


Marks came out a few weeks ago. I did okay; when I think of why I thought I wanted to do Honours to begin with, I'm fairly happy with the mark. But given the awfulness of the the year and the people it contained, the mark did not make up for it at all. I finally got the Supervisor a (meaningless) thank-you present (fountain pen). When I gave it to him he had the nerve to say that the microscopes breaking down might even have given me pity marks. B*TCH. I worked my derriere off, trying to keep things going. If I was going to be given pity marks, I should have well over 90.


I have horrible nightmares about Honours. They have died down a bit in the last week or so, but they were awful. But I think I might be getting over it. Karma will take care of everything.


And this leads me to reflect upon my year. It was great - in parts - but the project was incredibly dull, and the people I was around even more so. If one of them - either the project or the lab group - had been good, it would have been okay. But in this case, each seemed worse because of the other. It took most of my lab most of the year to make eye contact and say hello. The Halloween-themed lab bonding day at the RA's house was incredibly awkward. Thank God the postdocs had brought her little kids, because I had nothing to say to anyone, nor they to me. The other PhD students were really nice in the last two weeks, once my thesis had been handed in. They sat through a practise talk and gave good feedback. The Other Guy was as awful and manipulative as can be throughout the year. The Supervisor could have been worse, but the passiveness, and constantly telling me that I can never get full marks or get anything perfect really wasn't great.


When you are going into Honours, people tell you to choose the lab group, not the project, so I did. I knew at least half of the lab because they'd lectured or demonstrated in undergrad. The Supervisor was head of department so I thought there was no way he'd make the year a waste. Everyone spoke so well of them. And how wrong they all were. I should have known better, too. You always get this vibe on first meetings, and then ages later you ask yourself why you were such a persistent fool. Sometimes you just have to accept that people are awful, and stop trying to find the good in them. In the first month or so I was still excited and in denial, but reality has a way of punching through, and you realise that you should have run when you had the chance.


So basically, I spent the entire year being bored and miserable, and I learned nothing. Actually, I learned three things. These are as follows:

1. Microscopy (taking decent images of crap tissue)   
2. Stereology (glorified counting, in a manner thought suitable by the Supervisor)
3. That the world is full of truly awful people, and these are the people who get places in life. Basically, success requires being manipulative, obsequiousness, putting people down, treating people like rubbish if they're lower than you in the food chain, barefaced lies, and having the audacity to think you are better than someone else such that they should be happy with an outcome you consider far below you.

Of course, there were also some great times. I'm trying to remember them now, but nothing springs to mind. I'm sure I'll remember once the echoes of this miserable year have fallen silent. All in all, it was a character-building, soul-destroying type of year. 


I'm sure aggression and misery associated with this year will burst through for a while yet. While it's true that I'm getting over it, the fact that I have a Bachelor's degree with first class Honours and still can't get a job because I basically did no proper lab work this year is incredibly frustrating. Plus all of that awfulness. 


Anyway, I think this might be enough self-pitying and whinging for one post. 


Peace and love,


S.

Instant blood boiling.

I asked for the pathology database so I could check the causes of death for my subjects. He replies with it's not the pathology database, he has to find the actual database, and send him the subject codes. 


Here's an idea, how about you just send the database to me? Is it going to kill you if I look up the codes myself? 


God give me strength.

Trying to by pithy.

Trying to write a witty limerick
Something short and slick
I come up with words
But the ideas are absurd 
And the last rhyme won't click

Sometimes, things make me laugh.

"I seriously considered life without light in the bathroom. Could I manage? Yes, but what would that do to my self-esteem?"

L.M.A.O.

( http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/oct/30/david-mitchell-mary-portas-cameron )

Nearly there.

Just over a week until Honours is over. Final seminar in two days, thesis defence in a week from then. And that's it. Thank God.


It does leave room for awkwardness, though. Do I RSVP to the Christmas dinner? What about the department's 50th anniversary celebrations? Do I need to come in ever again? 


Asked the supervisor if I could use him as a referee for job applications. He agreed and asked what kind of jobs. Just the regular soul-destroying retail variety, dude. After this year I need to know that there is worse out there and that what I have isn't the bottom of the heap.


But it's okay. Soon, there will be a lot less to whinge about. I will still be in limbo, but I'll be free to learn things and meet people. I am not naive enough to think that I will meet many, if any, awesome people. This year has taken care of that. But I will at least meet some people who aren't as awful as these ones. And that will be a nice change.


Also, sometimes Arash's voice sounds so beautiful it hurts.

Peace and love,


S.

Here is something I wrote on the 21st of July, 2011. Sounds more reasonable than I feel right now.

"Thus far in my Honours year, I have learned far more about politics than I have about science.

In the just over five months that I have been here, I have had the opportunity to observe people at each level of the food chain and the manner in which they communicate amongst themselves and with others of both higher and lower standing. Given that my supervisor is the Head of department, and my desk is away with all the other students, I have the perfect opportunity to see all of these interactions.

People are very good at covering up what they're really thinking. Sometimes it slips out in their tone or an escaped sigh, but they quickly cover it up and move on. You forget about the little slip up - until you see it happen with someone else, and you're the third party observer, and you think, "Yep, totally b*tching on the inside. As soon as this person leaves, they're going to b*tch on the outside as well." And you're right.

The scariest people are the ones who go really quite when they're angry, and are perfectly cheerful the next time you see them, even though there's no way they're over it. Of course, this is all part of professionalism - you have to remain as polite and friendly as you can at all times, and because we're all human, we have to let our guard down sometimes before it explodes out. But that doesn't detract from the infernal politics, the sheer meanness and the subtle lies to make themselves look good and simultaneously make you feel like rubbish. 

There's also a lot of obsequiousness, and looking down on people who are down the food chain, new, or just not a part of the same circle. As alluded to in a previous post, people only give the good news to others. No mention of immunos that didn't work, mistakes made, etc., even when there's a witness sitting next to them. Which is fair enough, everyone wants to look good in front of higher-uppers. But then they have the audacity to nit-pick at things in others, and expose all of their mistakes. It isn't very nice.

This place is by no means an awful one - there are a lot of awesome, happy people, and things run smoothly. But every now and again something little happens to remind you that politics is everywhere - and there's no escaping it, even in science. Why can't people mean what they say and say what they mean? Why can't people be open and honest about things, even if they're difficult to discuss? Of course you need diplomacy, but at what point does diplomacy blend into two-facedness? I guess part of it is that the same people in a fairly small space for most of the day - b*tching is bound to happen. It keeps people going, gives them something to talk about and distract them from the stresses of work. But then how to do you know you can trust someone? How can you tell that they won't stab you in the back, if their so good at lying (because high-grade diplomacy requires high-grade lying about what you think and feel)?

I think I am mostly depressed because I have worked on collecting this data all week, and it's rubbish. The Supervisor and both of the Other Ones don't think it's credible, and fair enough, they've been doing it for a lot longer than I have. But I'm doing exactly what they're telling me, and I don't know why my data is so different.   It's not like I don't spend ages agonizing over single cell - I spend all day straining my eyes trying to make sure everything is right, and they just make me feel like a moron."


Peace and love,


S.

One ticket to the 'Intense Emotional Rollercoaster Ride of Intense Emotions', please.

Sometimes I remember random things that make me really, really angry. 

One of these things is people who think that their grasp of the English language is better than mine just because English is the first and only language they speak. To these people, I would like to say the following: go back to your precious rock that has sheltered you from the world for so long, because the world needs to be sheltered from you and your moronic-ness. 

Morons.

Another thing that angers me is insipid stupidity. There's not-knowing - which is fine, there are always going to be things that you don't know and that you might struggle to understand, like the exact definition of 'worldly' and why we say 'he SAYS' but 'they SAY' (the pluralisation of the word 'say' in the context of a single subject). 

But then there is stupidity. If you have been significantly horrible on a number of occasions, as well as generally not nice on a daily basis, why would anyone want to be friends with you, least of all the person you have been so horrible to? Or if you are going to be sensitive about people pointing out that you sound harsh, why would you continue to list all these policies that you approve of when all of these policies were first introduced by Nazis?! Do you really not hear what you're saying? How can you go on about 'cleaning out the gene pool' and locking up people with mental illnesses, not to mention the constant xenophobia and blatant racism, and then get angry with someone tells you that maybe you're being a bit harsh?

Seriously.

OMG - the thing that makes me SUPER ANGRY - when people I don't like are in my personal space and they go as far as to touch me - I could SCREAM. I really, really don't like these people, and I don't want them anywhere near me, pretending to be all lovely and friendly, and when they take that extra step and touch my arm or something - pretty sure I wouldn't have a problem with killing them.

Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I'm so angry or upset and all of these intrusive thoughts keep piling on, and each new memory triggers recall of a whole other set of horrible memories. Swallowing your anger can be rewarding, of course, but sometimes it all rushes back, ten-fold stronger. The same goes for sucking it up and getting on with life when sad or upsetting things happen. My thesis went in on time - it wasn't good (at all) but it was done - I should be really happy right now, or at least not as stressed. But instead, I just alternate between wanting to knock down a wall with angry yelling and hysterical crying, like I've just lost my best friend. Well, in a way, I have lost my friend - I've lost a year of my life to misery and boredom. I should have let myself breakdown when I felt it coming on. Bottling up this sort of thing is not good. At least I'd have been able to get a doctor's certificate for an extension, cried myself out, slept for a couple of days, and then completed my thesis to perfection. But that would involve luck and me not being so in control of how I express things. 


Ah well. 


Peace and love,


S.

Self-preservation.

Sometimes, you have to stop trying to find the good in someone and just accept that they are an awful person through and through. In the unlikely event that there is any morsel of good in them, it will not be enough to compensate for their awfulness.


Really, the thing you have to know in life is that most people are pretty cr*p. Not being evil is not the same as being good. People are passive, inconsiderate, and I understand that the self comes first, but how much does it cost to be polite? Common courtesies are not hard to express.


And I understand that not everyone is here to be my friend, but why can't people just do their job? If you can't do your job, just say so instead of pretending that you have done it and messing everything up. You find out a lot about people when you're lower down in the food chain. 


So, the key to getting through it is to be as polite as possible to these horrible people, because nothing will annoy them more, and laugh at everything because that will also annoy them while also making you feel happy. 


I cannot believe I have lasted the whole year here. It is always this pattern with me - put up with things and keep letting things pass and then a year later wonder why on earth I can't wait to get away. 


I have realised that I, too, have been passive in this regard. There's patience - and then there's putting up with things because you don't want to cause a stir. And I've progressed to the latter. Sometimes you have to cause a stir. No one in life (excepting the few awesome heroes) will put you first, or even second or third. Altruism on your behalf is detrimental if you, as the source of the altruism, are being destroyed. How can you continue to give and spread goodness, if your soul has been destroyed and you see the world with a bitter eye?


With just over 24 hours till my thesis is due, I am feeling more than a little emotionally vulnerable. Lack of sleep over several months will do that to a girl. But no matter. Freedom beckons, and it's just on the other side of tomorrow. I know my thesis is pretty awful, but at least it is mostly done. And I know the year has been boring and miserable, but it'll be done soon, too. Writing up my acknowledgements the other day was pretty awkward. I guess sometimes you have to lie.


Anyway. I should have done things differently, they should have done things differently - it makes so difference now, except that at least I know better now.

Peace and love,

S.

Here is a prettyful image I took today.

A glomerulus, blue (DAPI)= nuclei, green (WT1)=podocytes, red (vWF)=endothelial cells. Nearly died of excitement when I found this. You're all very welcome.

A pictorial representation of my Honours year. Should I include it at the end of my thesis?

Love again.

You'd think love is black and white - either you love someone, or you don't. I love quite a few people, but when I compare that to how much I love my brother, it just pales in significance. I don't know - maybe the love I feel for my brother is real, true love, and what I feel for everyone else on the list is a tolerance of the their flaws. Or maybe I've misjudged this whole love business?

I know people do both great and awful things for love. And what do you get at the end of it? The knowledge that the person you love is safe and happy. In terms of survival on the savanna, it doesn't really mean much. So did cavemen-early-human-types not have love? Is it something that has just evolved with humans, like opinions and post-it notes? Or is it an actual THING? But I suppose that's like asking whether happiness is an actual THING. Does it exist on its own? Balance and justice (which is really just a form of homeostasis and Newton's third law) definitely exist.

Wait, I don't know what I'm talking about any more. Gah. 

Oh yeah, love. What is it exactly? Apart from the burning desire to put someone else's happiness before your own, I mean. But what about tough love? That doesn't necessarily make the person happy, but it ensures their safety and well-being. But wouldn't you want everyone to be happy and safe and educated and well? Because if everyone has those things, they wouldn't do bad things and in turn perpetuate any bad situations in life that may cause pain for those you love. 

Anyway. All I know is that I love my brother to the point where it breaks my heart. It's a sort of pain - like when you see or hear something so beautiful you want to scream and cry. And if you're supposed to love everyone like you love your brother, I'm going to suggest that maybe I'm not cut out for it. The emotional intensity is way beyond my tea-spoon capacity.

Peace and love,

S.

Purgatory.

Purgatory has a door
And on it is my name
I hope to make it through there
Someday, past every cleansing flame
It'll be like rebirth
Like a bath in the purest lake
I'll lose every burden 
The fire will burn away all the pain
And the only thing left
Will be the ashes of my shame
And I'll carry them around with me
To remind me of the warmth of those flames

S.

One step forward, two steps back.

Sometimes, you try to make things better, and they end up worse instead.


Earlier on in the year, there was an incident with someone else here in the department. This person made a very bold statement claiming all people with mental disorders should be locked up, and not allowed into society. I was so shocked, the first thing that slipped out was, "What, that sounds like something the Nazis would have done!!" This person subsequently SNAPPED. Their constant attacks and snide remarks have been a regular source of hilarity all year, though it has died down a bit recently. 


I tried to apologise for offending them, even though I know I'm not wrong, and they tried to worm their way out and justify, argue, etc. again. I don't know why I felt the need to apologise. I have been thinking about it for a while - especially during Ramadan. You don't lose anything by showing kindness or respect to others, even if you have no need to show them any. And I don't want to end the year on any worse a note than it is already going to be. But all for nought, I guess.


So I may have stirred things up again, without meaning to.


Oh well. I've learned my lesson - don't give in to the niceness again!! Just kidding, peeps. Being nice doesn't cost you anything (apart from time, effort, sanity and personal well-being).

Peace and love,

S.

More on Love, Happiness and Death.

Sometimes, I think marriage and relationships are for a certain sort of person, and I am not it. Some people like to be told that everything is going to be okay, and that they are wonderful. Of course that sort of thing is nice, but I'm not going to be unhappy without it. If I don't really believe something's going to be okay, someone else telling me so isn't going to reassure me. And I know I'm wonderful (jk, peeps, jk). 

I suppose this is somewhat confounded by the fact that the maternal regularly tells me I'm wonderful - so I guess you can't totally live without emotional/moral support from others. But you don't have to be in a relationship to get that sort of support. I think at the heart of it, I like to be far too independent. I want to be self-sufficient of and within myself, and that sort of attitude doesn't leave room for other people. 

Not that there's anything wrong with marriage and relationships - they are a beautiful example of human kindness and love. But is it bad that I don't see myself as being a part of something like that? Will it affect my happiness in the future? If you have unconditional love from your family and friends, do you really need it from anyone else? Am I missing out by not having this other source? I don't think so. Your partner can die at any moment, so there's no guarantee you'll be able to grow old together. 

And of course, there's no point in planning your life and happiness around something that might never happen.

Sometimes, I'm not at all fussed about dying, really. If I were to die now, I'd be dying on my quest for knowledge and perfection, and what better way is there to die? Apart from dying for someone you love or for the good of someone else - but that sort of ending is really bitter-sweet. 

I am by no means perfect - pretty far away, in fact. But I have a purpose and a goal, and dying before you reach your destination isn't bad - it's always the journey there that is most important (sorry about the cliché).

This post is a garbled argument with myself, I think. I'm really tired, the results section of my thesis is no nearer to completion, and I'm just really, really tired. 

Peace and love,

S.

I've been listening to his sweet, sweet voice on repeat for the last few, ahem, days...

Love and Happiness.

At then end of the day, everyone just wants to be happy, and to have someone to love and to be loved in return. 

But when you think about it, there's not really much point in loving anyone. People either disappoint you, or they die. The only way you can ensure that you will not feel the ensuing misery is to prevent this disappointment or death from occurring. Failing that, you have to make sure you yourself die before it happens. And since you never know when someone else will disappoint you or die, you may as well commit suicide now. And that defeats the purpose - how can you have a happy life if you've killed yourself before you can have one?

So, of course, you should enjoy love and happiness for as long as it around. Just because it will end at some point in the future doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy it right now. But you know I'm right. And that's why you shouldn't base your whole self and happiness on other people. The only person you can be sure will never disappoint you or die is God. So at least there's one constant source of happiness in life. Not that it's easy to remember.

On a happier note, I have recently discovered two more awesome bands - Copeland, and The Format. Indie types, and way awesome. Third Eye Blind are also pretty cool.

Peace and love,


S.

Even more dreams.

This is another post about dreams, in case you want to stop reading straight away.

A while ago I had a dream that I asked one of the lab heads in the department for advice on how to pick a lab to work with. He said I should ask them, "What is your policy regarding idiots?" This was perfectly acceptable in the dream, and hilarious when I woke up. 

I can only conclude that I have a comedienne buried somewhere deep inside me.


You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of a dream, and you don't realise whatever it was that you were thinking about was a dream? Yesterday I dreamed that the way to turn off that loud buzzing sound was to stretch out my blue hair tie. The buzzing sound turned out to be my phone ringing, and I stretched out my hair tie in my half-asleep state. The buzzing wouldn't stop and then I realised I was awake. Hate to think of what I'd get up to if I sleep-walked. Like rolling around with a tiger under my bed. Or compulsively pulling out my own teeth. 

This leads to my second conclusion - that I am slightly out of touch with reality, but on the plus side have deep well of creativity somewhere in me, as well. 

Awesome. 


Also, sometimes I want to answer questions and then yell out, "COME AT ME BRO!" but I fear being ostracised.


Peace and love,

S. 

Caffeine and Crying.

Today, I was once again reminded of how emotionally vulnerable I am when sleep-deprived. I also experienced first-hand the up-lifting joy caffeine brings to any situation. I think the last few weeks have proven conclusively that so many people cannot be wrong - coffee is a wonderful drug.

In related news, I am running on about 3 hours of sleep, the wind is howling, I have made very little progress with my thesis, but I feel okay. Well, now that I've had my little cry in the ladies' room and subsequently loaded up on caffeine.

Hang on a moment - was it the caffeine, or the influx of post-crying adrenaline? How confusing. 

Anyway. Glee is back, Merlin is coming back soon, Mock the Week is back, 8 out of 10 Cats is back, Would I Lie to You is back - seriously, what more can I ask for? Two weeks to the day till thesis is due, and by God I'm going to get there HAPPY. HAPPY, I tell you, HAPPY.

Peace and love,

S.

Gracias, friends.

I am not a germaphobe. I don't have a problem with dirt. I just don't like bins - don't like touching them, breathing near them, going anywhere near them.

I don't understand people who can bring themselves to approach said bins on a regular basis, without any qualms. But I do appreciate these people. 

Sure, I can take out the bin if I really have to and there is no one else around and it's urgent. But that doesn't mean I'll be breathing while I do it, or taking my time. It is definitely not something I like to think about. And if there is any chance at all that someone else can deal with it, I will go to extreme lengths to avoid doing it myself.

The weird thing is, even I don't have a problem with a wrapper. Or even a pile of wrappers. But put all of these wrappers in a container and I can't go near it. Weird. 

So from the bottom of my heart, I'd like to thank all those people who take out the bins so that weaklings like myself don't have to. 

Peace and love,

S.

Tick tock...

Three weeks till the thesis is due.


I'm not sure how I'm feeling, except I've felt this before, and it might have been during year 12, where I did nothing, but at least I did nothing in relative peace.


My supervisor has been away for about a week now, and the other guy only comes in every second day for a bit, so I haven't been hassled too much. But when he gets back next week and sees I haven't achieved much...woops.


I don't know if there's any point in trying to do anything at this point. Why can't I just sit in the sun and read things I'm interested in, and spend time with my family?


Not that I have a problem with having to write up a thesis - it's that I have deal with people either feeling sorry for themselves or picking on me, plus the stress of counting down the days. And knowing that I'll be asked certain questions in the thesis defence - i.e. why didn't I start everything earlier, or why didn't I do anything apart from imaging and counting? - and the answer is because they were the supervisor's decisions, but that's not going reflect well at all. 


I'm sure everything will be fine. 


Except for the teeth. 


Peace and love,

S.

Dragons and Typewriters.

Of the most depressing realisations I have had, the one pertaining to the non-real nature of dragons is by far the worst.


Sure, there are komodo dragons (lizard-type things) and dragonflies (overrated, long, fly-cross-butterfly things). And I suppose you also count frill-necked lizards, and so on. But it's just not the same thing. 


It's not that I ever believed in dragons - it's more that once I found out about them and knew they were mythical, I just felt like crying. Even now, every now and again it hits - dragons don't really exist - and all of that raw emotion comes flooding back.


Anyway. 


I'm nearly at the end of Honours. Nothing is going right, just as it should be. I just thought that all of the things going wrong would be to do with the actual science, not the people or access to the microscope. Supervisor will not be happy with the latest development. And he's just gone to America for some conference. Yay.


I have decided that if I get a H1, I will get a typewriter for myself. When I was very little - about 5 or 6 - my grandparents had a typewriter that was kept at our house. I used to love typing up random stuff. I don't know where the typewriter disappeared to, but I do know I didn't appreciate it enough at the time. There's just something so timeless and beautiful about a typewriter. Computers are great, but the typewriter captures the pure essence of it all. 

In the event that I get a H2A, I will reward myself with a book. 


And if I fail, I will just need lots and lots of cake. 


Peace and love,


S.

Ode to the Square.

They ask me, "S.,
How can you bear
To be a square?"

And I'm like, "Dude,
When you're as awesome as me
There's nothing else you can be."

So they're like, "Well,
What's so great
About this shape?"


And I'm like, "Observe,
The sides are so straight
And so is each face."


Then they're like, "Oh,
I see the right angles - 
They might be more than I can handle!"


So I'm like, "What,
Is that all?
What about the four strong walls?"

And they're like, "Wow,
You're totally right - 
What a sight!"


And I'm like, "Look,
The smooth tessellation
It's beyond the imagination!"


So they're like, "S.,
I concur
The perfection of the square - 
It captures your awesomeness,
I see it all there!"


And I'm like, "Thanks,
I knew you'd see the light
Though it took you a while,
I'm glad you know I'm right."


S.

I should be emotionally exhausted. Oh, that's right, I AM.

Sometimes, you have to recognise that you're human, and just let yourself feel whatever you're supposed to be feeling. There are times when all of the emotions you have been pushing aside just come flooding back.

But in the interest of happiness and not sounding like the whinge that I seem to have become, I will share the positives with you.

Well, I say positive, I actually mean hilariously awkward.

Yesterday, there was a seminar for PhD and Honours students, regarding data presentation. The lecturer was pretty funny, and involved the audience in everything. He picked people out to answer questions based on what their appearance, eg. guy with the red hair, girl in the blue top, etc. He went all along our row, and stopped at the girl next to me. I knew something was going to come up (I wear the hijab). Sure enough, 10 minutes later he came out with "Girl in the hood". LMAO!! I couldn't stop laughing! The girls I was with were trying not to laugh, and the rest of lecture theatre were dead silent. It was ridiculously hilarious.

Today while trying to round a corner in the lab, I bumped into the emergency eye-wash basin and suddenly there was water everywhere. I don't think anyone else has managed to do this yet.

There's a church group singing and giving out free popcorn at uni this week. Yesterday I went by with a friend for some popcorn, and this lady tried to convert me in a really subtle way. She kept offering me a bible in English and Dari. Today I went by for more popcorn, with another friend, and the same lady slipped me a CD about something or the other. 


I do not like being preached to, especially by someone who doesn't seem to know enough about the religion - point in question: Protestants can divorce, but Catholics can't. Instead of saying that the bible says you can't get divorced, but that Henry VIII broke away from the Church and changed some rules, she just went on about adultery. In all my experience, my practising Christian friends are some of the nicest people I've ever met, and if I had any questions, I would much rather ask them. They have never pushed their views onto me. Why can't everyone just practise their own religion in peace, without having other people bother them? In this case, I was prepared to let her talk at me, because her group was providing me with delicious free popcorn. But on the whole, I'd rather not have ideas forced onto me.

I had 2-minute noodles for lunch today. As I tried to take my (super-hot) bowl out of the microwave using a tea-towel and both hands, it slipped out of my grip and emptied itself out all over the kitchenette floor. Not only is my left pinky burned and stinging, but I had an audience. A friend said it must be Jesus trying to give us a sign. I'm sceptical. 

Okay, so I'm not really feeling any less emotionally vulnerable, but I think I have been successfully distracted from the other problem that was plaguing me. Namely, that every time I tell myself that the other guy in the lab isn't so bad, he goes and does something worse. I have learnt, this year, that I'm proficient in dealing with people like him. But my thesis is due in less than 4 weeks, and I'm still collecting data, and I don't know what to do next, and I'm super-stressed. I do not want to see him or to hear his voice or ANYTHING. 

Let's end on a positive note - tomorrow I have another session on the 'scope at Peter Mac. This time I won't forget anything or be late, insha'Allah. And then I will have something awesome for lunch. And then I will go home to sleep. It will be awesome. I hope you have an awesome day, too.

Peace and love,


S.

LOL.

"Sometimes things go right and fairytales come true. Sometimes our dreams become reality, and sometimes we are given more than we had ever wished for. 

Sometimes such things happen."

~

Sometimes things go wrong so that something else can go right. And the thing that went wrong - it was worth it, for all of the things that happened afterwards.


Sometimes, all you can do is LOL. 


I had an almost 20-hour day yesterday. I stayed back at uni to work on my thesis, and finally crashed at about 3 am. I was asleep by 4 am, with the intention of getting up at 6 am in order to get to Peter Mac in time for my 10 am microscope session (our SP5's 405 laser is being fixed overseas). Of course none of this worked. I woke up in a panic at 9: 09 am, and realised it was light outside. The paternal drove me to the city (after a detour to uni, where I had to pick up the tissue sections and the 40x lens). I tried emailing the lady to let her know I'd be late, but nothing seemed to be working. It was raining, and we were stuck in traffic. Turned out I was about 20, 25 minutes late. The lady who was supposed to help me set up had just gone into a seminar, and wouldn't be back for a few hours, by which time my session would be over. I had to run around to find a payphone to call the paternal to come back and pick me up. He wasn't impressed. 


I'm really lucky I was thoroughly exhausted and slightly delirious from the lack of sleep, otherwise I would have been in full-on panic mode. I could feel my heart trying to beat faster and have a panic attack, but I was way too tired. Breaking the news to my supervisor was the biggest worry, at this point. Turns out I didn't need to, because the other guy had already done it for me (at least, I think it was him - he was the only other person I'd gotten around to telling). The thing with my supervisor is that he will never snap outwardly, or show his anger. It lulls you into a false sense of security. But I know he wasn't impressed - but at least he didn't make me cry! 


LOL. Really, that's all you can do at the end of all of that.


Of course I emailed the Peter Mac people, apologising profusely. The supervisor sent one too. They were really nice about the whole thing, luckily. 


So now I don't have any images to count, and therefore no data. I disappointed not just my supervisor, but my self. I used to be an hour early everywhere I went, I don't know what happened. I caused a whole lot of hassle for the paternal, as well as the people at Peter Mac kind enough to help me out.


But like I said, sometimes one thing doesn't work out so that something else will. If I had made it to the microscope session, I wouldn't have been back in time for today's departmental seminar, to which I was really looking forward. I really enjoyed the talk, and I find the subject of Fragile X syndrome absolutely fascinating, not least because I'm now worried I might have a permutation (I have a symptom - the anxiety issues). Of course I know I don't actually have it. I don't have the family history, and given that it's X-linked and how common it is, something should have come up. But still. It's fascinating. 


I also got to go home and sleep at about 2 pm. I saw my family - usually they are asleep when I leave in the morning, and asleep again when I come back in the early hours of the night. 


Plus I got to have a lunch that did not consist of 2-minute noodles. And it was great.


Peace and love,


S.

Significant milestone.

Welcome to my 100th post!


Unless I read back over previous posts and decide something doesn't show me in a good enough light :p.

I have been trying to think of something witty or significant to say, but life has taken care of it for me. It begins as follows.


The SP5 confocal microscope broke down a couple of weeks ago, and has had to be sent first to Adelaide, and then to the US. It won't be in action for a total of 3 weeks - just when I'm supposed to be at the peak of my data collection phase. I haven't broken down hysterically yet, though, which is a little strange. It's almost like I'm not bothered. We have been trying to find another SP5 and co-ordinate sessions at the one in the city. Finally managed to get on the 'scope yesterday, and realised they didn't have the right lens, so most of yesterday was spent pestering and begging the people who take care of the microscopes here. We now have a lens, but may not have a microscope on Thursday because the other guy didn't end up calling them yesterday. Woops.


Despite all of this apparent drama, I am feeling pretty good. I was listening to the Frank Skinner show podcast on Sunday night, when suddenly I heard words that seemed very familiar - they were reading MY email!!! Okay, so they pronounced my name HILARIOUSLY, and thought I was a man, but Emily Dean also said (I quote) "I like him". WIN. I have since tweeted Em, and she has replied! I made contact with awesome people on the other side of the world and I AM SO EXCITED. I don't think anything I achieve from here on out can top this. When I look back on my life this will definitely be one of my proudest moments. And Alun Cochrane made a very clever gag re: handy man and no job too small (because I count cell nuclei). Totes using it in my final seminar/thesis defence. "What was your highlight of the year?" - "Having my email read out on Frank Skinner's show and Alun's customised joke." WOOP!

Here is a link to the show: http://www.absoluteradio.co.uk/podcasts/Frank-Skinner-on-Absolute-Radio/2011-09-03/ . My bit comes in at about 37 minutes and 38 seconds.


Peace and love,

S.

What am I doing?

I'm not panicking. Not panicking.

I think I'm having a panic attack. Haven't had one in a while. The problem with anxiety disorders is that the symptoms decided to manifest themselves at the most inopportune moments. Like just before you open your mouth to speak at a seminar. Or just before an interview. Or in the middle of an exam. Or at night when you're trying to go to sleep. Or when you're trying to start your thesis write-up because you only have a week and a half till it needs to be done, after which you will be scrambling like a madwoman trying to finish results and counting. 


The microscope is out of action for about 2 weeks. The immuno on the latest sections will be faded by the time the microscope is fixed, and the alternate sections for this subject have already been used, so I'll have to do a whole other set of IGVs. Which is fine, because I'd be doing it now, if the microscope were working. But I'm having trouble starting my intro write-up, or my methods re-write. I had a nightmare re: confronting the other guy for being so awful and the ensuing drama. I understand that in the overall scheme of things, I'm not that old, I have plenty of time and opportunities ahead of me, and everything will be fine. But right now, I don't feel like I'm making any headway towards any of that. 

I keep telling myself I have a plan for next year - Masters of Reproductive Science, or Arts degree - but do I really? No. And it's freaking me out.Lucky I've been fasting for the past month, it leaves you too drained to get worked up about anything. 

Anyway. There is a whole wide world out there, and I want to experience it. I want to be learning something new every single day. I want to be GOOD at things. I want to avoid feeling bored/trapped/helpless/miserable at all costs. I guess at least I know what I want. Certainly gives me something to aspire towards. And I've learned, throughout the course of this year, that I'm very good at hiding misery and putting on a happy front, which is important when you're dealing with the world. 

I'm listening to "Iran, Iran" by Arash, and I LOVE it - the music, the voice, don't really get the words but those as well. Am also loving "Letters to God, pt. II" by Angels and Airwaves. His voice has this insane sort of beauty. If I could sing, I would do so at every opportunity. I'd sing instead of normal speech, and I would never shut up.

Peace and love,


S.

Frustration.

You know when you put something off for ages, and then you finally do it, and you think, "Why on earth did I put it off?! It was so easy, and I could have bee done ages ago!"?

Yeah, well I've been trying to get my methods draft done for ages now. I've been avoiding these two particular sections, and overall I've had a good day if I've typed up three sentences. Tomorrow is the absolute deadline for getting it to my supervisor, so I managed to finish it all off today, and I am now very annoyed with myself. It wasn't even that bad. Sure, it isn't perfectly written, but it's a start! I could have saved myself so much stress and headache, if I'd just DONE it!


I always have this problem, and I do this every single time. I stress at the thought of doing things, and I avoid doing anything about it apart from just stressing out even more. It's very frustrating. I over-think things, and just STRESS OUT for no good reason. 

Bah. 


We're in the last third of Ramadan now, and it's being going well (apart from this stress) Alhamdulillah. I just get really sleepy at around 3 pm. I bought an awesome 2-pieced giant cupcake mould today. I'm really excited to use it. I know it's essentially just a tall cake with a smaller diameter, but still. We had lovely sunshine today, so overall life isn't too bad. I'm coping with the supervisor and the other guy. Don't see much of them anyway. Have discovered the beauty of cufflinks - I want to start wearing shirts all the time, so I can wear them too. I don't care if cufflinks are usually only associated with men. You know you can get these awesome novelty flip-out ruler onces? So cool! It also struck me today that I really love my dad. 

Okay, I'm trying to get this amazing bag on ebay, and it's counting down the last hour. I might cry if someone else gets in at the last 30 seconds. Or even now. Wish me luck!

Peace and love,

S.

Leave Me to My Thoughts

Leave me to my thoughts,
Let me wander around in peace...
The grass is greener in the distance,
And I want to be free.

Let me go far, far away,
Let today be the last thought on my mind,
Unlock the shackles on my feet,
Let me leave this hell behind.


I've been to Hades,
I've been stuck here for too long.
I'm sick of the darkness,
And I'm tired of hearing the same sad songs.

I'll leave tomorrow,
Nothing can make me stay.
I'm going to walk on towards the sun,
And sit on the horizon of every day.


S.

I know you're secretly interested in my mundane existence.

I'm so tired I might cry.

The last few days have been okay. I helped out at the university Open Day. It was pretty fun. You meet all of these people that you'd never meet in your classes or your degree. It's all really interesting. And also makes you feel a little inadequate - you're all around the same age and they've achieved worlds more. They get head-hunted to help out with events, and they have contacts in all areas of the media and the arts and within the uni. I wish I could be more like them.

But then again, I'm quite happy being myself. On the whole, anyway. 

The day also reminded me of what it's like to work in retail. People can be impatient or annoyed, and you're at the receiving end even though it's not your fault. But most people are really nice and polite. Showing the tiniest bit of respect or friendliness really makes their day (and vice versa). 

I'm supposed to be counting cells right now (woop!) but am taking a quick break. I'm incredibly tired (long day, late night). In my sensitive state, I am even more aware of the little things in peoples' tone of voice or choice of words. Maybe I should be a behavioural analyst for politicians, or something? Would be a good use of my paranoia and hypersensitivity to social undercurrents. 

Back to counting!

Peace and love,

S.

My Book.

I have felt for quite some time that I should write down everything I know and think. I have been doing this, to some extent, in the various blogs and diaries I have had over the years. But I think it is now time to commit to a book. It will be a never-ending book, with a chapter coming out at a time. There will be no single point I'm trying to make - rather, it shall be a chronicle of my dynamic, ever-changing life, views and events. I may contradict myself or formulate very different views from chapter to chapter, and that's okay. 

A little while ago this awesome lady who is an active member of the community and also teaches at my uni, suggested I write a book entitled 'Lessons In Humility'. It seems to be a very fitting title. Back in high school another girl suggested I write a book called 'My Opinions'. This is also a very fitting name. I have been brainstorming and I think 'The Magnitude of My Awesomeness Knows No Bounds' is also befitting. Or I could use all three? I will also need chapter titles, although numbers would of course suffice. Suggestions welcome! 

That is all for now. Apart from this decision, I think life is pretty dandy. Ramadan Kareem to all of my fellow Muslims (and anyone else who would like to join in)! This month is going to be an awesome one. I can feel the panic creeping up (re: Honours, data, no time!), but for some reason I have felt very good over the last few days, Alhamdulillah. The cell counts are frustrating but sort of fun. Although I can feel the craziness creeping up on me. But that's okay.

Peace and love,

S.

And we start with a quote...

"I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those that makes things beautiful." -- Friedrich Nietzsche.

I think some part of me has come to realise that my goal in life isn't just the jobs and courses I want to get into, the places I want to go. My target is being in a perpetual state of awesomeness, and I think I'm well on track for this goal.

In fact, one could argue that I am already there. In a lot of ways I have/am already achieved/achieving my life goals - I'm learning, (sort of) meeting new people, am reasonably healthy, and totally awesome, if my baking adventures last week are anything to go by (apart from some bits...).

I jest, I know that I am not yet perfect. But what is perfect? Sometimes we covet not the absolute perfection, but the beauty that is in imperfection. The clouds aren't perfectly white or symmetrical, but they are beautiful nonetheless. The rain doesn't fall in straight parallel lines at an equal distance from all other drops of rain - in fact, not all rain drops in the same instance of rain are the same size. But rain is still awesome. Not every petal on a flower is identical, symmetrical and uniform - but the  flower is still perfect. 

Point in discussion being, that yes, a perfectly straight line is beautiful, but so is a sine wave. A straight path is satisfying, but a crooked one is just as fun. My life may not be following the ideal plan, but it's getting there, and it's good. And I'm pretty awesome. Not sure exactly why, but I know I feel good and that's good enough for today, at least. 

Also, I had a dream about Jedward last night. It was weird, in hindsight. And the youngest brother is having a semi-meltdown. He made me promise that he won't fail his science project. And he has had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights. He has also taken over my bed. Ten is too young for this sort of freaking out.

Cell counts! It's going okay, at least I've started on an actual subject. Not too happy with the figures I'm getting, but oh well.

Have yourself an awesome day!

Peace and love,

S.

Found. In fact, never lost. Just HIDDEN.

So it turns out that my dad is not only brilliant, but also a touch evil. He has been holding Toby hostage all this time, to teach me a lesson.

I supposedly leave things everywhere, and I left my iPod in the car so he put it away and NEVER TOLD ME. He totes knew I was worried about it. I begged him to stop by our old house again on the way home that night, and he refused. That would have been a great time to tell me. Or how about the next morning?


But no. To teach me a proper lesson, he didn't tell me until last night (Thursday). He really knows how to go for the dramatic effect - he asked me to get his phone from this bag, and the first thing I saw there was my darling Toby. Dumbfounded to say the least. 


Peace and love,

S.

Lost and...nope, just lost.

Sometimes people come to me because they think I know things. They are wrong. The only thing I know is that there is good and bad, and to be happy you have to hang on to the good things for as long as they're around and hang onto the good people for as long as they'll let you.

For example, my iPod (Toby) was a massive part of my every day life. I enjoyed his company and services as an entertainment unit, storage facility, data transfer intermediate, and companion since the day I bought him. On Saturday the 10th of July, Toby went missing. I had to struggle to hold back the tears. Either he dropped out of the car when we stopped by our old house for mail and I opened my passenger door, or later on at my cousin's house one of the kids picked him up and dropped him up somewhere else. I am devastated, but I also haven't quite felt it. Also, I go sort of numb when things go REALLY wrong, sort of like a coping mechanism. I think God knows I'd have a full-blown breakdown if I felt everything I was supposed to feel in such situations. Anyway, it sort of reminded me that everything in life comes and goes, and the best you can do is be happy in the window of time available instead of crying because it's only a window and not a permanent state.

Anyway, Toby's loss will be reinforced once I start using the microscopes again (I have been counting cells at my desk for the last week or so). It's already hard enough being unable to listen to podcasts as I fall asleep at night. But I guess he had a good run, with almost a year and a half in my life. If someone did take him, I hope they enjoy and appreciate him as much as I did. 


Actually, that's a lie. I hope they die a horrible and painful death very soon.

On that note,

Peace and love,

S.