What am I doing?

I'm not panicking. Not panicking.

I think I'm having a panic attack. Haven't had one in a while. The problem with anxiety disorders is that the symptoms decided to manifest themselves at the most inopportune moments. Like just before you open your mouth to speak at a seminar. Or just before an interview. Or in the middle of an exam. Or at night when you're trying to go to sleep. Or when you're trying to start your thesis write-up because you only have a week and a half till it needs to be done, after which you will be scrambling like a madwoman trying to finish results and counting. 


The microscope is out of action for about 2 weeks. The immuno on the latest sections will be faded by the time the microscope is fixed, and the alternate sections for this subject have already been used, so I'll have to do a whole other set of IGVs. Which is fine, because I'd be doing it now, if the microscope were working. But I'm having trouble starting my intro write-up, or my methods re-write. I had a nightmare re: confronting the other guy for being so awful and the ensuing drama. I understand that in the overall scheme of things, I'm not that old, I have plenty of time and opportunities ahead of me, and everything will be fine. But right now, I don't feel like I'm making any headway towards any of that. 

I keep telling myself I have a plan for next year - Masters of Reproductive Science, or Arts degree - but do I really? No. And it's freaking me out.Lucky I've been fasting for the past month, it leaves you too drained to get worked up about anything. 

Anyway. There is a whole wide world out there, and I want to experience it. I want to be learning something new every single day. I want to be GOOD at things. I want to avoid feeling bored/trapped/helpless/miserable at all costs. I guess at least I know what I want. Certainly gives me something to aspire towards. And I've learned, throughout the course of this year, that I'm very good at hiding misery and putting on a happy front, which is important when you're dealing with the world. 

I'm listening to "Iran, Iran" by Arash, and I LOVE it - the music, the voice, don't really get the words but those as well. Am also loving "Letters to God, pt. II" by Angels and Airwaves. His voice has this insane sort of beauty. If I could sing, I would do so at every opportunity. I'd sing instead of normal speech, and I would never shut up.

Peace and love,


S.

Frustration.

You know when you put something off for ages, and then you finally do it, and you think, "Why on earth did I put it off?! It was so easy, and I could have bee done ages ago!"?

Yeah, well I've been trying to get my methods draft done for ages now. I've been avoiding these two particular sections, and overall I've had a good day if I've typed up three sentences. Tomorrow is the absolute deadline for getting it to my supervisor, so I managed to finish it all off today, and I am now very annoyed with myself. It wasn't even that bad. Sure, it isn't perfectly written, but it's a start! I could have saved myself so much stress and headache, if I'd just DONE it!


I always have this problem, and I do this every single time. I stress at the thought of doing things, and I avoid doing anything about it apart from just stressing out even more. It's very frustrating. I over-think things, and just STRESS OUT for no good reason. 

Bah. 


We're in the last third of Ramadan now, and it's being going well (apart from this stress) Alhamdulillah. I just get really sleepy at around 3 pm. I bought an awesome 2-pieced giant cupcake mould today. I'm really excited to use it. I know it's essentially just a tall cake with a smaller diameter, but still. We had lovely sunshine today, so overall life isn't too bad. I'm coping with the supervisor and the other guy. Don't see much of them anyway. Have discovered the beauty of cufflinks - I want to start wearing shirts all the time, so I can wear them too. I don't care if cufflinks are usually only associated with men. You know you can get these awesome novelty flip-out ruler onces? So cool! It also struck me today that I really love my dad. 

Okay, I'm trying to get this amazing bag on ebay, and it's counting down the last hour. I might cry if someone else gets in at the last 30 seconds. Or even now. Wish me luck!

Peace and love,

S.

Leave Me to My Thoughts

Leave me to my thoughts,
Let me wander around in peace...
The grass is greener in the distance,
And I want to be free.

Let me go far, far away,
Let today be the last thought on my mind,
Unlock the shackles on my feet,
Let me leave this hell behind.


I've been to Hades,
I've been stuck here for too long.
I'm sick of the darkness,
And I'm tired of hearing the same sad songs.

I'll leave tomorrow,
Nothing can make me stay.
I'm going to walk on towards the sun,
And sit on the horizon of every day.


S.

I know you're secretly interested in my mundane existence.

I'm so tired I might cry.

The last few days have been okay. I helped out at the university Open Day. It was pretty fun. You meet all of these people that you'd never meet in your classes or your degree. It's all really interesting. And also makes you feel a little inadequate - you're all around the same age and they've achieved worlds more. They get head-hunted to help out with events, and they have contacts in all areas of the media and the arts and within the uni. I wish I could be more like them.

But then again, I'm quite happy being myself. On the whole, anyway. 

The day also reminded me of what it's like to work in retail. People can be impatient or annoyed, and you're at the receiving end even though it's not your fault. But most people are really nice and polite. Showing the tiniest bit of respect or friendliness really makes their day (and vice versa). 

I'm supposed to be counting cells right now (woop!) but am taking a quick break. I'm incredibly tired (long day, late night). In my sensitive state, I am even more aware of the little things in peoples' tone of voice or choice of words. Maybe I should be a behavioural analyst for politicians, or something? Would be a good use of my paranoia and hypersensitivity to social undercurrents. 

Back to counting!

Peace and love,

S.

My Book.

I have felt for quite some time that I should write down everything I know and think. I have been doing this, to some extent, in the various blogs and diaries I have had over the years. But I think it is now time to commit to a book. It will be a never-ending book, with a chapter coming out at a time. There will be no single point I'm trying to make - rather, it shall be a chronicle of my dynamic, ever-changing life, views and events. I may contradict myself or formulate very different views from chapter to chapter, and that's okay. 

A little while ago this awesome lady who is an active member of the community and also teaches at my uni, suggested I write a book entitled 'Lessons In Humility'. It seems to be a very fitting title. Back in high school another girl suggested I write a book called 'My Opinions'. This is also a very fitting name. I have been brainstorming and I think 'The Magnitude of My Awesomeness Knows No Bounds' is also befitting. Or I could use all three? I will also need chapter titles, although numbers would of course suffice. Suggestions welcome! 

That is all for now. Apart from this decision, I think life is pretty dandy. Ramadan Kareem to all of my fellow Muslims (and anyone else who would like to join in)! This month is going to be an awesome one. I can feel the panic creeping up (re: Honours, data, no time!), but for some reason I have felt very good over the last few days, Alhamdulillah. The cell counts are frustrating but sort of fun. Although I can feel the craziness creeping up on me. But that's okay.

Peace and love,

S.