I don't know why I panic about things. Everything that happens to you, and that you face, is an experience. Every experience is an opportunity to learn. Only an idiot passes up the opportunity to learn, and I'm no idiot - my ego is far to big to be satisfied with this.
After a year in Arts, I truly hope I have changed. It's a sad thing to let a day go by where something in you isn't affected or altered, let alone a year. Sometimes I am afraid to admit that I have changed - it's scary, knowing that you are not this solid block of things that are familiar and easy to recognise as 'self'. Moreover, the prospect of being patronised by people who think they know better - my God, these people make me twitch like a madman. Why do people have to put you down for learning something after they have already learned it? Does it make you a better person, for life to put you in a certain situation before someone else has the same chance?
On the whole, I hope I have changed for the better, a step closer to the perfection I see in my dreams and the light that brings me out of the dark places in my mind and in the world. I am becoming a little more mellow - but I'm worried I'll lose myself completely. But then again, I have always been mellow, and certain parts of your personality come out in certain situations. Thus far, the mellowness has been for me and me alone, so everyone who knows me thinks I'm suddenly a different person now that it's leaking out into reality.
The truth of it is, the older you get, the less you care about other people's opinions and expectations, unless they align with what you truly want. I don't care if people don't like how I dress, or how loud or opinionated or shallow or boring I am. I am glad it has only taken me 22 years to acknowledge this and that I know now that I am not afraid of who I am, and am proud to say that I am changing and will continue to do so. Other people - mainly your peers, who think they have the right to judge to you and that this judgement is the only reality allowed - mostly project their fears onto you. People who constantly feel the need to tell me not to conform are the ones who have conformed most of all and want to take me down with them as a comfort, a sign that they have some control over something. It's sad and it's true and sometimes, that's life.
Pace and love,
S.
