Significant milestone.

Welcome to my 100th post!


Unless I read back over previous posts and decide something doesn't show me in a good enough light :p.

I have been trying to think of something witty or significant to say, but life has taken care of it for me. It begins as follows.


The SP5 confocal microscope broke down a couple of weeks ago, and has had to be sent first to Adelaide, and then to the US. It won't be in action for a total of 3 weeks - just when I'm supposed to be at the peak of my data collection phase. I haven't broken down hysterically yet, though, which is a little strange. It's almost like I'm not bothered. We have been trying to find another SP5 and co-ordinate sessions at the one in the city. Finally managed to get on the 'scope yesterday, and realised they didn't have the right lens, so most of yesterday was spent pestering and begging the people who take care of the microscopes here. We now have a lens, but may not have a microscope on Thursday because the other guy didn't end up calling them yesterday. Woops.


Despite all of this apparent drama, I am feeling pretty good. I was listening to the Frank Skinner show podcast on Sunday night, when suddenly I heard words that seemed very familiar - they were reading MY email!!! Okay, so they pronounced my name HILARIOUSLY, and thought I was a man, but Emily Dean also said (I quote) "I like him". WIN. I have since tweeted Em, and she has replied! I made contact with awesome people on the other side of the world and I AM SO EXCITED. I don't think anything I achieve from here on out can top this. When I look back on my life this will definitely be one of my proudest moments. And Alun Cochrane made a very clever gag re: handy man and no job too small (because I count cell nuclei). Totes using it in my final seminar/thesis defence. "What was your highlight of the year?" - "Having my email read out on Frank Skinner's show and Alun's customised joke." WOOP!

Here is a link to the show: http://www.absoluteradio.co.uk/podcasts/Frank-Skinner-on-Absolute-Radio/2011-09-03/ . My bit comes in at about 37 minutes and 38 seconds.


Peace and love,

S.

What am I doing?

I'm not panicking. Not panicking.

I think I'm having a panic attack. Haven't had one in a while. The problem with anxiety disorders is that the symptoms decided to manifest themselves at the most inopportune moments. Like just before you open your mouth to speak at a seminar. Or just before an interview. Or in the middle of an exam. Or at night when you're trying to go to sleep. Or when you're trying to start your thesis write-up because you only have a week and a half till it needs to be done, after which you will be scrambling like a madwoman trying to finish results and counting. 


The microscope is out of action for about 2 weeks. The immuno on the latest sections will be faded by the time the microscope is fixed, and the alternate sections for this subject have already been used, so I'll have to do a whole other set of IGVs. Which is fine, because I'd be doing it now, if the microscope were working. But I'm having trouble starting my intro write-up, or my methods re-write. I had a nightmare re: confronting the other guy for being so awful and the ensuing drama. I understand that in the overall scheme of things, I'm not that old, I have plenty of time and opportunities ahead of me, and everything will be fine. But right now, I don't feel like I'm making any headway towards any of that. 

I keep telling myself I have a plan for next year - Masters of Reproductive Science, or Arts degree - but do I really? No. And it's freaking me out.Lucky I've been fasting for the past month, it leaves you too drained to get worked up about anything. 

Anyway. There is a whole wide world out there, and I want to experience it. I want to be learning something new every single day. I want to be GOOD at things. I want to avoid feeling bored/trapped/helpless/miserable at all costs. I guess at least I know what I want. Certainly gives me something to aspire towards. And I've learned, throughout the course of this year, that I'm very good at hiding misery and putting on a happy front, which is important when you're dealing with the world. 

I'm listening to "Iran, Iran" by Arash, and I LOVE it - the music, the voice, don't really get the words but those as well. Am also loving "Letters to God, pt. II" by Angels and Airwaves. His voice has this insane sort of beauty. If I could sing, I would do so at every opportunity. I'd sing instead of normal speech, and I would never shut up.

Peace and love,


S.

Frustration.

You know when you put something off for ages, and then you finally do it, and you think, "Why on earth did I put it off?! It was so easy, and I could have bee done ages ago!"?

Yeah, well I've been trying to get my methods draft done for ages now. I've been avoiding these two particular sections, and overall I've had a good day if I've typed up three sentences. Tomorrow is the absolute deadline for getting it to my supervisor, so I managed to finish it all off today, and I am now very annoyed with myself. It wasn't even that bad. Sure, it isn't perfectly written, but it's a start! I could have saved myself so much stress and headache, if I'd just DONE it!


I always have this problem, and I do this every single time. I stress at the thought of doing things, and I avoid doing anything about it apart from just stressing out even more. It's very frustrating. I over-think things, and just STRESS OUT for no good reason. 

Bah. 


We're in the last third of Ramadan now, and it's being going well (apart from this stress) Alhamdulillah. I just get really sleepy at around 3 pm. I bought an awesome 2-pieced giant cupcake mould today. I'm really excited to use it. I know it's essentially just a tall cake with a smaller diameter, but still. We had lovely sunshine today, so overall life isn't too bad. I'm coping with the supervisor and the other guy. Don't see much of them anyway. Have discovered the beauty of cufflinks - I want to start wearing shirts all the time, so I can wear them too. I don't care if cufflinks are usually only associated with men. You know you can get these awesome novelty flip-out ruler onces? So cool! It also struck me today that I really love my dad. 

Okay, I'm trying to get this amazing bag on ebay, and it's counting down the last hour. I might cry if someone else gets in at the last 30 seconds. Or even now. Wish me luck!

Peace and love,

S.

Leave Me to My Thoughts

Leave me to my thoughts,
Let me wander around in peace...
The grass is greener in the distance,
And I want to be free.

Let me go far, far away,
Let today be the last thought on my mind,
Unlock the shackles on my feet,
Let me leave this hell behind.


I've been to Hades,
I've been stuck here for too long.
I'm sick of the darkness,
And I'm tired of hearing the same sad songs.

I'll leave tomorrow,
Nothing can make me stay.
I'm going to walk on towards the sun,
And sit on the horizon of every day.


S.

I know you're secretly interested in my mundane existence.

I'm so tired I might cry.

The last few days have been okay. I helped out at the university Open Day. It was pretty fun. You meet all of these people that you'd never meet in your classes or your degree. It's all really interesting. And also makes you feel a little inadequate - you're all around the same age and they've achieved worlds more. They get head-hunted to help out with events, and they have contacts in all areas of the media and the arts and within the uni. I wish I could be more like them.

But then again, I'm quite happy being myself. On the whole, anyway. 

The day also reminded me of what it's like to work in retail. People can be impatient or annoyed, and you're at the receiving end even though it's not your fault. But most people are really nice and polite. Showing the tiniest bit of respect or friendliness really makes their day (and vice versa). 

I'm supposed to be counting cells right now (woop!) but am taking a quick break. I'm incredibly tired (long day, late night). In my sensitive state, I am even more aware of the little things in peoples' tone of voice or choice of words. Maybe I should be a behavioural analyst for politicians, or something? Would be a good use of my paranoia and hypersensitivity to social undercurrents. 

Back to counting!

Peace and love,

S.

My Book.

I have felt for quite some time that I should write down everything I know and think. I have been doing this, to some extent, in the various blogs and diaries I have had over the years. But I think it is now time to commit to a book. It will be a never-ending book, with a chapter coming out at a time. There will be no single point I'm trying to make - rather, it shall be a chronicle of my dynamic, ever-changing life, views and events. I may contradict myself or formulate very different views from chapter to chapter, and that's okay. 

A little while ago this awesome lady who is an active member of the community and also teaches at my uni, suggested I write a book entitled 'Lessons In Humility'. It seems to be a very fitting title. Back in high school another girl suggested I write a book called 'My Opinions'. This is also a very fitting name. I have been brainstorming and I think 'The Magnitude of My Awesomeness Knows No Bounds' is also befitting. Or I could use all three? I will also need chapter titles, although numbers would of course suffice. Suggestions welcome! 

That is all for now. Apart from this decision, I think life is pretty dandy. Ramadan Kareem to all of my fellow Muslims (and anyone else who would like to join in)! This month is going to be an awesome one. I can feel the panic creeping up (re: Honours, data, no time!), but for some reason I have felt very good over the last few days, Alhamdulillah. The cell counts are frustrating but sort of fun. Although I can feel the craziness creeping up on me. But that's okay.

Peace and love,

S.

And we start with a quote...

"I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those that makes things beautiful." -- Friedrich Nietzsche.

I think some part of me has come to realise that my goal in life isn't just the jobs and courses I want to get into, the places I want to go. My target is being in a perpetual state of awesomeness, and I think I'm well on track for this goal.

In fact, one could argue that I am already there. In a lot of ways I have/am already achieved/achieving my life goals - I'm learning, (sort of) meeting new people, am reasonably healthy, and totally awesome, if my baking adventures last week are anything to go by (apart from some bits...).

I jest, I know that I am not yet perfect. But what is perfect? Sometimes we covet not the absolute perfection, but the beauty that is in imperfection. The clouds aren't perfectly white or symmetrical, but they are beautiful nonetheless. The rain doesn't fall in straight parallel lines at an equal distance from all other drops of rain - in fact, not all rain drops in the same instance of rain are the same size. But rain is still awesome. Not every petal on a flower is identical, symmetrical and uniform - but the  flower is still perfect. 

Point in discussion being, that yes, a perfectly straight line is beautiful, but so is a sine wave. A straight path is satisfying, but a crooked one is just as fun. My life may not be following the ideal plan, but it's getting there, and it's good. And I'm pretty awesome. Not sure exactly why, but I know I feel good and that's good enough for today, at least. 

Also, I had a dream about Jedward last night. It was weird, in hindsight. And the youngest brother is having a semi-meltdown. He made me promise that he won't fail his science project. And he has had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights. He has also taken over my bed. Ten is too young for this sort of freaking out.

Cell counts! It's going okay, at least I've started on an actual subject. Not too happy with the figures I'm getting, but oh well.

Have yourself an awesome day!

Peace and love,

S.

Found. In fact, never lost. Just HIDDEN.

So it turns out that my dad is not only brilliant, but also a touch evil. He has been holding Toby hostage all this time, to teach me a lesson.

I supposedly leave things everywhere, and I left my iPod in the car so he put it away and NEVER TOLD ME. He totes knew I was worried about it. I begged him to stop by our old house again on the way home that night, and he refused. That would have been a great time to tell me. Or how about the next morning?


But no. To teach me a proper lesson, he didn't tell me until last night (Thursday). He really knows how to go for the dramatic effect - he asked me to get his phone from this bag, and the first thing I saw there was my darling Toby. Dumbfounded to say the least. 


Peace and love,

S.

Lost and...nope, just lost.

Sometimes people come to me because they think I know things. They are wrong. The only thing I know is that there is good and bad, and to be happy you have to hang on to the good things for as long as they're around and hang onto the good people for as long as they'll let you.

For example, my iPod (Toby) was a massive part of my every day life. I enjoyed his company and services as an entertainment unit, storage facility, data transfer intermediate, and companion since the day I bought him. On Saturday the 10th of July, Toby went missing. I had to struggle to hold back the tears. Either he dropped out of the car when we stopped by our old house for mail and I opened my passenger door, or later on at my cousin's house one of the kids picked him up and dropped him up somewhere else. I am devastated, but I also haven't quite felt it. Also, I go sort of numb when things go REALLY wrong, sort of like a coping mechanism. I think God knows I'd have a full-blown breakdown if I felt everything I was supposed to feel in such situations. Anyway, it sort of reminded me that everything in life comes and goes, and the best you can do is be happy in the window of time available instead of crying because it's only a window and not a permanent state.

Anyway, Toby's loss will be reinforced once I start using the microscopes again (I have been counting cells at my desk for the last week or so). It's already hard enough being unable to listen to podcasts as I fall asleep at night. But I guess he had a good run, with almost a year and a half in my life. If someone did take him, I hope they enjoy and appreciate him as much as I did. 


Actually, that's a lie. I hope they die a horrible and painful death very soon.

On that note,

Peace and love,

S.

The first one in this sequence nearly had me in tears :D

Pretty much nearly died laughing.

Breathing.

Sometimes, I forget to breathe. It then takes a while to re-establish a normal breathing pattern, leaving one slightly puffed out.

Other times, I can't be bothered breathing. It's such a massive effort. In, out, heave-ho. Breathing out is okay, it just whooshes out, but breathing in - forget about it! So you slow it down, postpone inhaling for as long as possible - but all that this leads to is breathlessness and tiredness, as when one forgets to breathe. You have to take big gasping breaths so your brain doesn't die, leaving one more tired than one was to begin with. Such a waste of energy.

Another phenomenon that disrupts this automated air-delivery system is thinking about it. That is, when you start thinking about each breath, in and out, and suddenly you have to force yourself to keep breathing because it has turned into a conscious thing. And then you freak because you think, "Will I have to keep reminding myself to breathe forever? What about in my sleep? I shall perish, no two ways about it!"

And then you get over it. 

Life is a bit like that.

Peace and love,

S.

Drip, drip, FLOOD COMING!

There are times when you want to say something, express some emotion or thought, and you find that you can't. Then you listen to a song, and it makes you feel better. So you keep listening to it. But it just reinforces the awful feeling you had at the beginning, because even though it made you feel better in the moment, it also keeps reminding you of that thing that brought you down in the first place.

Right now I'm counting cells. It's going okay. It's still a novelty, given I've just started. But it also gives me time to think. And thinking when you're tired and/or hungry tends to be a little depressing.

Today's lab meeting was quite entertaining; the supervisor showed us pictures of his holiday in the middle of nowhere. He's an interesting character. Sometimes you see a younger person, and it reminds of you some older person you know, so you can imagine what they (the older person) would have been like as a child or young adult. I am having trouble placing the supervisor. If I make a mistake, he'll correct me and try to teach me, but if I still don't understand/can't fix it after a couple of times, he sort of decides that that must be the best I can do and leaves it at that. He's awesome, but the lack of faith sometimes is a bit of a downer. Or maybe I'm over-thinking it.

Not that my self-worth or estimation of my capacities or happiness or anything should rely on or be influenced by anyone outside of myself. But still. There's this part of me that's human, and it keeps taking over. And I don't know how to tell him that my immuno failed again even though the other guy was there with me the whole time. Well, it's not that I don't know how to tell him. I'm just terrified, is all. Not that I should be, given that I have a plan for next year (Arts degree) if all else fails. But I think this plan would mean admitting failure and therefore is a little hard to accept properly/be happy with. 

I shall stop before I make even less sense.

Peace and love,

S.

The wool in my head gets in the way.

There are times when you know something but have trouble understanding or feeling whatever it is that you know. For example, I know that in the overall scheme of things I am exactly where I want to be and I'm very happy - but I have trouble feeling this happiness on a regular basis.


Another example is that I know you are never too old to live or too young to die. So why am I not doing more with my life? Why am I not spending every spare moment doing things I love?


I'll tell you why. It's because I'm darn TIRED. Eleven hours imaging on the microscope - not the most taxing of tasks, but still draining. Even the next day. I had a meeting with my supervisor and I'd forgotten to bring in any of my data and couldn't process any of his questions. He did not seem impressed. But he was still really nice about it. Patience of a saint, that man.


The sun is shining today. It feels like a lazy day. Slightly worried about the cell counts - haven't practised anywhere near as much as they expected. Awkward. But the bright sunshine makes it okay. 


But I have a plan. Actually I have several plans, but each of them starts the same way: get through this year the way I got through year 12, and then do whatever comes my way. Of my list of plans, the first is impossible (med), the second and third highly unlikely (PhD or RA), the fourth may work (Arts degree) and the fifth is the most likely (stay home and cry).


So there we have it. A plan.


Peace and love,

S.

Another truth.

In the six months that I have been 21 years old, I have learned quite a bit about myself, if not about the world in general. Which is okay. At least I'm learning something. 


Today, I learned another basic truth of life. If you want your supervisor, or people in general, to think well of you, don't disclose your failures to said parties. My immuno failed last week, of which my supervisor was informed yesterday morning. I'm pretty sure I know where I went wrong, but I made the same mistake again yesterday when I began an immuno on another set of tissues. In this morning's lab meeting, I felt the need to detail said retardedness on my behalf to the room full of mega-smart scientists. And they (the supervisor especially) just looked at me in the weirdest way. And then I had this epiphany. Don't mistake me, they were very nice about it, and their suggestions were really, really good. But I felt like an idiot. And then I realised there's no need to give people lists of your faults and mistakes. They'll find out in their own time, if ever.

This leads me to my second point in today's session. It doesn't bother me so much that the immuno didn't work - I'm happy to repeat it a hundred times till it works, if necessary. It's the fact that I'm not meeting anyone's expectations, and that it isn't working because of my own silly mistakes and not because there is an issue with the tissue or the protocol or some other unknown variable. 


But why do I care if they think I'm retarded? It doesn't change what I want, what I'm doing, or the fact that in science, as with life, things just like to go wrong. Other peoples' immunos don't work all the time - it's part of being in the lab. But I think the fact that I only have to master a just a handful of techniques (let's be honest, there are only three...) and I can't seem to make it work...Plus I don't know how to cut the tissue sections so I would have to wait for the RA to get back and ask her...I know it's not my fault I don't know how to cut sections - it's not like I've been taught - but I'd like to be self-sufficient to as great a degree as possible. I don't want my failures to inconvenience others. And as much as I'd like to think that I am my own person, at the end of the day I am paranoid, awkward, and eager to please others. Which is sad.

But not as sad or troublesome as other things. Like heartburn. Or working incredibly hard for years to get your PhD and taking care of your baby at the same time, and then six months before the end your family situation bubbles over, you get the wrong advice from people and suddenly you have two weeks to leave the country because the organisation that's supposed to support you has decided to cancel your visa, and you can't get credit for any of the work you've done to date so you can't graduate. See, now that is sad and troublesome.

On a slightly less depressing note, today I had my first can of V in several years. It is awesome. I'd totally forgotten how awesome it is. And it's pretty awesome.


Also, I'm starting to realise that instead of living inside your own head, stressing out or just making plan after plan, get out there deal with life as it is right now. You need those plans, but planning alone doesn't get you anywhere. Successful people didn't get there just by dreaming - they use every moment they have, try different things, and keep at it after every failure. People can make life harder, but if you don't get involved with these sort of people, and you keep your own thoughts, happiness and life on track, their grumpiness doesn't matter. So essentially detach yourself from that awful moment and focus on the bigger picture and work towards that instead. Hopefully this reasoning will get me through the rest of this year. If not, at least I had the chance to work in a lab for the time that I did.

Peace and love,

S.